A
female
age
51-59,
*learlyhurt
writes:Need advice please..sorry it's a bit long but l prefer to explain fully..... my husband and l have been married 14 years this year, back in 2007 he had an emotional affair with a woman who was supposed to be my best friend..(all 3 of us worked together at the same company,so did her late husband)it lasted for about 3 weeks...then l told her husband about the affair because both my husband and the other woman kept promising me it was over..but 3 times l found out it was'nt!..her husband moved them to a different country, that was in 2008..but not far enough in my opinon!...in 2012 my son had an accident and around the same time so did her husband,unfortunately her husband died from his engerys....a mutual friend of ours gave this other woman my husbands phone number because she claimed to be worried about my son( he was in a coma),she then started calling and messaging my husband again regularly..this stopped for about a month as my husband went away for a month,in July 2013 she started to call and message my husband again,but at the same time she was also making contact with me making out as though she was still my friend and was sorry for what she done 7 years ago...the phone calls and messages to my husband turned in to flirting!,she would call or message him up to 16 times a day!!! then she came over to our country on 3 different occasions (that l know of) and my husband would make a plan to go meet her in another town (as he travels alot with his work)they slept together everytime she came over..(3 times that l know of).she has been buying him gifts and sending him money including a cellphone and line!!etc...and then my husband broke things off with her in December 2012 saying he wanted to work on our marriage..he asked her to leave him alone,but she did'nt she kept trying to call and leaving him messages.in Feburary 2013 on valentines day,my husband told me out of the blue,he wanted out of our relationship!!!!,saying that he did'nt love me as much as he should,and that he was very confused and frustrated by the way he felt,and he asked me not to ask him to expain his feelings as he could'nt because he was just as confused about them.He move out of the famiy home,on 1st march and refuses to try and work on things with me..he has asked me 3 times for a divorce but has not acted on it yet,and l have told him l do not want to divorce him,as l beleive that things can workout for us ..if that woman just left us alone for good!!!!.all he has taken is some of his clothes,all his other belongings are still at home....he comes over and spends the day here at home and has dinner with the family (most weekends) and during the week he visits and stays till late,and sometimes has dinner too..he has not settled in one place to stay,he is moving from one place to the next nearly every week,we get on well when he does visit until we start to talk about our relationship.....l still love him very very much and beleive things can and will workout if only this woman would leave him alone...she has told him that she will move back to our country to be with him,( some of my family and friends doubt that she will move)altohough she has her grown son living with her that's possibly not going to want to move back here,as well as her parents...so now my questions are: should l go ahead and give him his divorce (as much as l don't want to) or will he come back to me?,will she give up her life in her country to move back to our country?...please advise l miss him so very much!!!
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female
reader, MaryB  +, writes (17 May 2013):
I absolutely understand how you must feel..I have been through very similar minus the marriage & geographical distance between ex & mistress. As much as it may hurt to hear this, this guy is just using you to pass the time while his mistress gets her act together. I realize you love him & are still married to him but, you are giving him way to much power to control your life & your future. Stop letting him call the shots..he doesn't deserve it. Here you are giving him dinners, companionship so he isn't alone while he waits on her & most of all, one big ego stroke. Kick him to the curb for good & move on with your life.
I know you are banking on the fact that she may never come over here but, what is to prevent him from going to her or moving on to someone else if it doesn't work out with them. Lets say you do end up back together down the road...ask yourself-will you ever be able to fully trust him again & can you put what he has done to you behind you & not throw it back at him everytime you might have a little argument. I know from experience it is a very hard thing to do. After the first time my ex cheated on me I loved him so much I hung in there with him thinking I would die if I didn't get him back. I was the dutiful ex allowing him to walk in & out whenever he pleased, thinking he would see me as the better choice..see how wonderful & forgiving I was. I did get him back eventually & things were going along smoothly for the better part of 3 yrs. & then it happened again! He once again left me for someone else. This time I was blindsided...never saw it coming even though, deep inside I could never fully trust him & was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was afraid to argue with him even if I disagreed about something for fear it would drive him away again. I was in denial the whole time betting on potential & even after all that he walked anyways. Sad waste of good yrs..don't allow that to happen to you. Let him go, get your house in order, give yourself time to heal & then someone who loves & cherishes you & only you will come your way. Take care!
A
female
reader, Clearlyhurt +, writes (31 March 2013):
Clearlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all the advice received so far....l would just like to clear the confusion..he is not living with this other woman...she still lives in another country about 600 -700kms away...they keep in contact via cellphones...thanks again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): I agree with the two post and can a little of my own story to yours.. I've been with my husband for 25 years, he chased me when I was 14 teen and him 18teen . In out late twenties he got quite restless though and had a female colleague making eyes at him stroking his ego .. Anyways he went out one night on a works night out and even though they didn't do anything he came home and told me he wanted to leave.. I was upset of course at first then I got very angry and I told him fine. And I got my stuff and headed to my mothers, yes I loved him but hell no. Was I being walked all over.. He came around the next day, saying he couldn't work the washing machine I said why you telling me, go get such such to work it for you.. I'm going out.. On a date asked he.. Yep said I. I had met a guy in the butchers, well he was the butcher son haha he noticed my ring was of and asked me out and yep I was going.. Should have seen his face. Quite a picture, and I breezed out the door while he looked stunned talking to my mother.. I don't know what my mother said however when I got back, he was still there looking pensive .. And we worked things out and we are still a very loving together couple even after 24 years..But you cannot let him walk over you.. Make the changes suggested once he see you standing on your own two feet.. It may give him the jolt he needs .. Be strong chin up.. You can make this work for you.. You may find that you don't need him as much as you think.. That's the chance he takes when he plays with your feelings .. Take care. C
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2013):
 She hasn't badgered him to stay with her. He's decided that all on his own.
He has to take part in saving the marriage, he is not. He knows you will be there for him no matter what.
Maybe it's time to shake his certainty that you will never ever stop loving him. Maybe it's time to take back some of your own power and start to put YOURSELF first for a change.
I would take steps to ensure that your needs are protected legally. I would stop having him over for dinner and I would change the locks on the door and have his belongings removed from the premises.
Perhaps once he understands that you are NOT his doormat he will take steps to salvage the relationship, but as it stands, you tolerate all his nonsense.
Definitely hire an attorney to take protect your interests and those of the children.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 March 2013):
 There are two very important things in your submittal....
The first is this: "he has asked me 3 times for a divorce but has not acted on it yet,and l have told him l do not want to divorce him,as l beleive that things can workout for us...",
...and the second is: "...l still love him very very much and beleive things can and will workout if only this woman would leave him alone..."
First: Let him have the divorce. He's enamored of her... and you ain't gonna get anywhere with him....
Second: Regardless HOW MUCH you love him... and HOW MUCH this woman "leaves him alone".... he is OUT OF LOVE with you..... and needs/wants to get on with his life, WITHOUT YOU. Bring your life-needs in to concert with his.... divorce his sorry a$$... and get on with "the rest" of your life. This DOG needn't be part of that...
Good luck...
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