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41-50,
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writes: I have been stewing with this problem for a while and it just won't go away.I am married with two children and in most respects happy, apart from one thing, the physical side of the relationship. I don't just mean sex, I mean kissing, cuddling, touching etc. We have discussed this umpteen times before and she says she is tired etc but that doesn't mean she can't show me any affection.Whatever I say doesn't seem to make any difference, the problem won't go away. She does suffer from a condition which I won't go into detail which makes sex harder but again it doesn't mean she can't show affection in other ways.I really don't know where to go from here. I don't want to spoil what we have as a family but I do need more. Any advice would be appreciated
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): If your wife has difficulty having sex due to loss of libido from early menopause, medication, hormonal-imbalance; or painful sex from vaginal-dryness. She may be hesitant to get you all heated-up by being too affectionate. You are a man, it is unlikely you'll settle for just cuddling. If you don't get sex, you'll want more than just foreplay!
For people unable to express affection; it is usually rooted in trauma, or their upbringing. Your marriage may have more problems than you are willing to accept. You may be in denial to some degree. There could be things she may be internalizing; because you feel uncomfortable discussing them. Intentionally or unintentionally, you may have repeatedly dismissed her feelings; when she has tried to bring them up. You may not value her opinions. Which is pretty often the case with a lot of husbands. Neglect comes back to bite you in the ass. In your own mind, you may think you're a great husband. If you've never been told that, consider the opposite opinion.
Affection is more emotional than sexual. If she is not naturally an affectionate person, she will have to be coached or prodded. You can still give her hugs, kiss her on the neck, stroke her arms and back. Gently play with her hair. You can hold her hand. Kiss her before leaving for work, and when you get home. Place her head on your shoulder. These things can be initiated by either of you, and the other will follow-through. You may need to review past arguments, things you have said, your style of humor, and even your hygiene. Bad breath or body odor is a complete turnoff, even for simple affection!
Dear sir, it is likely your wife may have had some rough-times emotionally that she never shared with you.
Maybe she has even tried. If you never apologize for your mistakes; people grow very resentful and distant.
She simply may be holding a grudge, and keeping it all to herself. She may be aware of things you may think are hidden from her. Just your dirty little secret.
Sometimes it's things you say and do, that you're totally unaware of. She may even notice that you watch or ogle at other women too much for her taste. You may have changed your ways over the years; but let me tell you, women never forget!!! If you were a real tool who has only mellowed with age; she hasn't forgotten how she used to be treated, or how your behavior effected her emotionally over time. She may have rummaged through your personal-effects or records one-day, and found-out something shocking about you.
These suggestions that I've offered; are not intended to make you paranoid or poison your spirit. They are only intended to make you think.
She may have just reached that point in the marriage she just doesn't care. She is beyond feeling affectionate toward you, and she has finally found the courage to openly display her indifference toward you.
This is where you may need a doctor, marriage-counseling, or a therapist; to get to the bottom of things. If there isn't an open-line of communication, and she prefers internalizing her feelings over sharing them with you. It may take a professional, or some form of mediation to find the reason.
You simply can't negotiate the exchange of feelings like you negotiate a contract. You can't really talk her into being affectionate; although you can express your feelings and hope for some empathy or emotional-feedback. You can try some sweet-talk, taking her out on romantic dates and vacations. Or just plain listening when she's talking to you. So many men have taught themselves to ignore their spouses and girlfriends (or boyfriends) when they are talking. They just nod in agreement, not hearing a solitary word. Sometimes sitting with a stone-faced blank stare. At the end of the day, she sums up all of your weaknesses, mistakes, and shortcomings. Shamefully, they may add-up to zero. She just ain't got that lovin' feeling.
You've talked about it, now you need to both get to a doctor or therapist; to see if there may be some medical or psychological-issues getting in the way that she isn't forthcoming about. Why you can't go into it makes no sense. We don't know you, and we don't know her. You can be totally candid here. That is, if you want advice based on reasoning. Otherwise; we can make you feel good with saying nice words. There is no reason to hide anything but your identity.
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