A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OK, here is my problem. I need help. I was married at 18 to my high school sweetheart. She has had many serious emotional problems. She had an affair on me (with a 53 year old, and they lived in OUR house while I was gone) when we were first married (I was working outside the U.S. for a half year, and it started then.) I came back and she moved out and in with him. It ended quickly after that, and we went to mucho counseling and we got back together (she was preggers -didn't know whose the baby was, I saw her on the side. He said he wasn't going to raise the child, so I did what I thought was "right." -Never have known whose she is, but she looks a lot like me...) Anyway, 12 decent years go by, and eight more kids come along, life is good. The I travel away for new employment and she starts sewing her oats after all those years (she said "pressure" of living like a single mom, yadda yadda yadda. She lied time and again, I find out, but after much counseling again and yet another stay in the mental hospital for her (she's been there so often she's got her own room now, I think.), I stay in the marriage so all the kids will have both parents. I want to be a good man, but it is so hard to feel loved. OK, then she has a third affair (these last 2 affairs were 1 night stands -type things w/ her co-workers. She had the jobs all of 5 months) I say "no way anymore, I'm outta here... But I give her a year to get herself in order (more mental hospital for her, more crap, etc. More counseling for us, tons of tears and sorries from her... etc. I feel totally dejected and used. The feelings don't go away, so I have a 2-night stand to see what's with all the "need" and I absolutely hated it, I hated myself, felt stupid and like slime, and I vowed to myself that this is not what I wanted for my own life. But I feel guilty and I really really try to be a very good husband, because I figure even if I did it to "get back at her" or whatever the reason, I'm still guilty of what she did and I have no right to complain. Okay, so I stay and try to be a great husband. 6 months later I find out she has had a long term (3 month) affair w/ a married man, she says she loves him, but not as much as she loves me, and that she has "left him" and we must now work through this again, and I have to "save" her from herself and "fix" her. I say "absolutely no way, this time, I'm through." I love all our kids, but this is just too much" (16 years marriage doesn't make me ancient, I can move on, I'm strong.) And the children (though they don't know all the stuff, -surely it has affected them.)I want to leave her, so I tell her (to make her want to leave me) that I had an affair 6 mos ago -I told her to try to get her to want to divorce me (easier than suing for divorce.) Instead she said we were just the same, two peas in a pod, and that since I did the same, I can't divorce her, because I'm no better than her. I said I would leave anyway and sue her for divorce if necc. I really have so longed for a good, pure marriage and we have just so much baggage now. She said with all seriousness that if I ever tried to leave her that she would tell the police I raped her and charge me w/ spousal rape, or that she would lie about me at my job, to get me fired or worse. She said she'd hit herself and then say that beat her (she would, too. She can be quite vindictive when she's crazy.) I then have tried to tape her saying these things. She just says "you heard what I told you. get over the past or you'll just see what comes your wayalso, she has a GED and I have a Masters degree, she hasn't worked since the 2nd or 3rd affairs. She's afraid of being broke as well.The sad thing is, she is actually a pretty good mom. She takes pride in 1 thing in her life, her children. She always says that's the only thing she has done right in her life. -And I don't make enough to take care of 9 kids, 2 homes (since she doesn't work, she'd get alimony for sure.) And she'd fight me for the kids because I work such long hours. And the lawyer said that it doesn't matter if she's been in the looney-bin, as long as she's been a fit mother (even tho a terible wife.)What do I do that is honorable. What's sad is I still love this viscious and calloused woman (I know I'm an idiot.) I don't feel loved, I want to give my kids as stable home as possible. We never fight in front of them or anything. I would almost rather be dead, but my kids need me. She said stay w/ her for 12 more years untill they are all grown. I don't want to have any affairs (I really want to be honorable -and yes I did fail to be...I felt so dejected. I have no excuses, but I don't want to be miserable.) I hate the state of my marriage, and feel trapped by my circumstance. But like a sap I feel for her, too. It's like loving a rabid dog that's always biting you.Am I doomed to lead a life (or even 12 more years) of quiet desperation? I get so horribly depressed.Do I even have any decent options? I'm afraid if I leave her, she'll get the kids and I will lose the great times I do have with them, let alone getting charged or having something terrible happen to me. And they are very good, very innocent kids (I mean that. It's incredible they are ours, they're so much better than us.)Sorry it's tooooo long. What are my options? What do I do?
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, depressed, divorce, got back together, married man, move on, moved out, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Your wife is screwed up and I say screw her (sounds like a lotta people already did!:-P) but seriously, spousal rape? Have you never watched CSI before? Innocent until proven guilty and she'll have one hell of a time proving you guilty of spousal rape. More likely, they'll find put she's just a sick freak and cart her off to the mental home permanently. Divorce her ass, get custody of the kids. She hasn't worked in so long, there's no way in hell she'll be able to provide a life for the kids so you'll win custody, no problem. In short, she's screwed (in the good sense this time!)
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (13 February 2007):
 "Feed the dog, offer it toys and attention while wearing gloves...make sure it has a fluffy blanket....then the second the last pup is weened, let it do what rabid dogs do....and once it wanders off....lock that door and buy a really big Cat."
-Beentheredonethat, this is hilarious. I almost died laughing. Wow.
Alright, well - onto India's advice. Let me tell you right now, YOU are not the one at fault. Perhaps, for marrying her in the first place, but not for having an affair. I feel for you. I wouldn't even call it an "affair", really. And you seem like a very honorable man - you have stuck by your wife while most men wouldn't. I don't think I would've!
However, there are so many women out there looking for a man like you. Even with all nine of your kids! (Haven't you seen Yours, Mine, Ours?) Now, the question is HOW do you leave her?
To be perfectly honest, I don't know. I think there's got to be someone you can talk to - such as a Pastor (or Priest, or Rabbi), therapist, lawyer, counselor. Have you talked to the people that have worked with her at the mental hospital? Have you told them about her vicious, vindictive tendencies, such as the threats she makes to you, etc.?
I don't know if you ought to stay with her or not. Even though she's a fairly good mother to the kids, I think they'd be better off without such a two-faced maternal influence in their lives. That's just my opinion. Now, if it's impossible to leave her, then follow 'beentheredonethat's advice and stick with her until the last kid is out of the house.
This is quite the situation. I think you should try talking to a professional about the issue. Especially her doctors at the mental hospital!
Good luck. All the good thoughts I've got are out to you and your nine kids...
xxIndia
...............................
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Boy you have got yourself quite a mess. Yet you still worry about honor. Then you will have to stay, because honorably you can't win a fight with someone who will use the system as a battering ram for you. See...at some point you should have said to yourself...I wonder if she is passing this Crazy on to the children.....maybe we should have a few less in such a short time span if you are also dealing with all this drama.
Now I Know you love every one of them and can't imagine life without them.....My concern is simply numbers. You can't run and hide with a basketball team....even if she is locked up for a bit.
Just consider your sentence 12 years....
For the next 12 years reassure her, accept her, support your kids....be as kind as possible.( but don't let her hurt you anymore....she does it for power....she wants attention and sympathy. Give her sympathy, kindness and attention lavishly without investing in her games) For yourself.....Even if you don't want to have an affair, find some friend who you can gain emotional support from. Find just one Alli who can be there for you to keep you sane. Enjoy every moment of your kids....giving up 12 years of your life is a small price to pay for their well being.....only what a year and a quarter per child?
Then when they are all gone....you have honorably fulfilled you obligations and you can choose to leave her in a way that gives her NO opportunity to fake crime.
See there are tons of shelters out there set up to protect and Hide women and kids......Not much out there for a man and his kids....the system is far from perfect and terribly unfair in many cases. So you must work within the constraints of the universe....and in my opinion every child is a guaranteed 18 years of her claws in you....your down to 12....Don't have number 10 or you zero back to 18.
Live for your children.....smile for your children and keep that clock ticking for your own freedom.
In other words,
Feed the dog, offer it toys and attention while wearing gloves...make sure it has a fluffy blanket....then the second the last pup is weened, let it do what rabid dogs do....and once it wanders off....lock that door and buy a really big Cat.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 February 2007):
 I think you must be wearing blinders, she can't possible be a great mom if she spends so much time in a loony-bin. And your lawyer is full of crap that CAN get you custody of the children. Quit feeling sorry for her, she's thoroughly enjoying herself sleeping around and don't think the kids aren't wise to that either. Get another lawyer and start your separation immediately time's a wasting. Your second chance for happiness is right around the corner, get moving.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): Wow, OK I almost never think anyone should leave their spouse, but you definately should. She does not want help, she does not want to change and she has no remorse. You are not like her at all, in fact, you are her opposite. Just because you made a mistake does not make you a bad person. Nor would one such mistake make her a bad person, if she regretted it. You say she is a good mom. I have to tell you she is not. Do you really think the kids are that blind to her? Do you really think she is emotionally unstable and it only affects you? Consult a different attorney before you leave her. If you are a Christian, go to your pastor and talk to him first. You need some sort of counseling too because this all has affected your self-respect as well as your judgment.
...............................
|
