A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Basically, I have been talking to this guy for 4 months now everyday. We met over an app and I asked if there was anything else I could talk to him on, he asked to add me on facebook and he added me on snapchat. Without a beat, we text everyday; he texts me even at busy times, literally 10 minutes before an exam or straight after soccer training. He flirts with me sometimes and other times we joke around and have a laugh, but we rarely talk about serious stuff like about our day or what were doing. Sometimes he will bring up something but I guess I don't elaborate further so goes back to joking. He had said to me the other day, and I don't know if he was joking or not but he said "I don't need a reward, your happiness is my happiness ;)" and there have been afew occasions where he has hinted at that we have something special between us.He lives a good 9-10 hours away from me so I'm not really sure how much further it can go behinds calling or facetiming? I'm visiting his city in October and was going to casually bring it up and maybe he might say something about meeting up?I don't know what his intentions are, I enjoy a flirt with him every now and again but in the past he has taken things very seriously and use to talk about "us" a lot. Now he doesn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cindycares Thank you for responding back! Means alot! And I can agree with you; I do emotionally invest too much which could explain his current behavioural patterns right now. I realise I might force him to put in emotionally by asking personal questions or delving deeper into his personal life. Naturally, I am a curious person so maybe that area isnt the way to go. I had told him my phone was having technical issues and apologised if I couldnt upkeep the message streak we have on snapchat and he said to me to not worry about it. Not really being concerned about my phone. I also bought up other things about my day and he glazed over them abit. He does talk about his day from time to time but thats as far as it goes. I push him to talk more about himself but he backs away with a joke.I think you are right. Nothing can come of this, even it something was it wasnt meant to be one sided. He use to take interest in my personal life but not anymore. Our lives should be seperate and stick to only chatting for fun.Thank you for opening my eyes :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2017):
 I guess it's all relative :)....I suppose that in our fast times of instant ( and ever changing ) connection, instant sex, instant everything,... 4 months may sound like a long time , particularly at your age :). To me, it does not sound like a long time, and , most of all, such duration does not have necessarily to identify with depth of feelings. It just means that if something is pleasant from a recreational point of view, and it does not cost you any special effort ,... you just keep doing it. I have been patronizing the same coffee shop for way more than 4 months, and I do enjoy going there- that does not mean that I developped any special attachment to the owners or the baristas or the other clients . If another coffee shop opens in the area, or simply if one morning I wake up with a hunker for something new,- I could change venue in a heartbeat.
Ok, maybe this example is a little brutal, and, as I said before, this guy obviously must find you attractive / entertaining etc. to keep up your text exchange. But from this to wonder if he really really cares... eeeeh. I'll tell you a secret, if he REALLY really cares then he is a bit dumb, or easily infatuated , or a total dreamer. How can you REALLY care about a voice on the phone, a few phrases on a PC screen ? How can somebody nurture strong feelings, in ONLY 4 months, for a person who lives 10 hours away , whom he has never met and probably will never meet ?
I think you are on the verge of developping a huge crush- or you have developped it already , for your long distance friend. There's nothing wrong with that, - as long as it stays something that you can enjoy as it is, in the here and now. Something that maybe brightens your days a bit- without though becoming hurtful or getting you stuck in some idle fantasy .
Keep it real, OP- and real is what you can see and touch and observe IRL frequently and consistently and in a variety of real life situations over a relevant amount of time.
You have sort of given your heart , I guess, to this unknown guy at the other end of the world- but, the fact is that you don't know him, and as perfect for you as he is in texts , he might be all another thing in person.
How do you know that he has not got an atrocious fungal infection and the stinkiest feet in the history of humanity ? :) How would you know if he is mean and uncaring to his parents, or rude and disrespectful to servers or people who work for him ? And so on and so forth.
Now , maybe some reader will pipe up with : Not true ! I am in Usa, my bf was in China, we got married and we are very happy !
I don't say that it can't ever happen. Same as, against all negative odds, there always is the one who wins the lottery or hits the millionaire jackpot. Still, in general, it is not advisable to stop living your life , and to stop considering other possible sources of income and gratification, in the hope that some day you'll win the lottery. Plus, if we apply this to romantic matters, you have the possibility to beat the odds and win the jackpot , only if BOTH are very determined , very sanguine about making it work, equally passionate about building a relationship.
In your case, from what you write, you seem more emotionally invested than he is, more interested. And to woo, and win over, somebody that lives 10 hours away AND is a bit lukewarm... good luck, OP; it sounds like it would be a totally uphill battle, .. are you sure you want to expend the energy ?..
P.S. : said that, if you are visiting his town, I confirm there's nothing wrong in telling him " hey I am going to be in X place from such day to such day. Fancy meeting up for a coffee ? " - because, after all, it is what you would do for any pen pal,or long distance friend. Otherwise, since you cannot meet normally because of the distance- if you don't even meet exceptionally when there's no distance, then what's the point of keeping in touch ? , it would be all vapid fluff !
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cindycares Thanks for the insightful response! My friends always see him popping up on my phone every 10 minutes so they get me worked up and they get excited for me but I tell them it's casual. It got to me and was wondering why his been talking to me for so long. Most online interactions I have with people last a few weeks, this guy has been talking to me for 4 months ?!I don't know if he genuinely cares about me, but now I must treat him like a way to waste time. I personally don't like keeping around people who I have to interact with unless I'm bored and randomly start talking to them. I don't want to hurt his feelings and show him I use him as a boredom killer, but I'd like to know what he thinks about me, and as I said, genuinely cares about me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 June 2017):
His intentions are to kill time , have a pleasant passtime, and enjoy a mild flirtation that makes him feel adventurous, appreciated and like he's got game... without the actual hassle and responsibilities and complications of having a real relationship with a person IRL. It's ,like, a hobby. So very common these days ,under so many different guises and shapes, from sex to romance to friendships...
People CAN be a hassle, IRL. You get things out of them, entertainment or companionship or support, etc.- but then you've got to give back. They want things from you. Time, and effort, and spending money, and being punctual, and keeping promises and engagements... Ah so much easier and breezier ,and more fun, to text/ e-mail/ or even skype without ever having to get REAL.
Don't read too much in your exchanges, don't look for any deep meanings or double meanings. I am not saying that he does not like you, or that he does not find you cute / sexy nice / fun etc.- I guess he does, otherwise he would alreday have gotten tired of this texting game. But trying to work out " intentions " or plans or " where do we go from here " from this carefree - and meaning-free - chitchat... no, try not doing it. I am pretty sure you'd be disappointed. Not that I blame him,though- you live 9-10 hours apart ... whaaat ? There would be such a little chance anyway for things to work out, with such a distance, unless you/ he are filthy rich and with tons of time on your hands to visit each other decently often and keep the flame alive, and this even if you were madly in love with each other !, imagine as things stand now, that 's more a vague " like ",than a deep, serious feeling !.
I know that this not what you wanted to hear but, really, OP, sometimes we MUST let logic and common sense prevail over heart and hormons. 10 hours away !, again, maybe you do not realize how hard it would be to make it work, at your age, even if you both WANTED with all your heart to make it work. The solution is... to take a leaf off his book, and keep talking to him if you enjoy this " passtime ", but do not get too involved or attached. But if you feel uncapable of NOT getting attached - perhaps you should just stop being in touch before you are into this too deep ....
Regardless, like somebody else said, if in a while you are visiting his countrty, there's nothing wrong to ask him if he wants to meet up for lunch or coffee, - SAME as you would ask, I guess, any pen pal abroad,once you get to be in his city/town. In fact, it would be even strange going to be in his town- without evening mentioning it to him !
Just , play it by hear- do not start ordering your wedding gown if he does want to meet up- and do not feel devastated if he does not. At the end of the day, you may have loaded this text exchange with expectations- yet he is still just a perfect stranger that you met only recently through an app. A friendly acquaintance that can help you too kill some time ? Sure. The man of your destiny, your one and only shot at true love ?... No way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 June 2017):
 I agree, it's more the FUN of it, the fantasy than a precursor for a relationship.
I think a LOT of people LIKE to have people to talk to over tech - texting, IM'ing, PM'ing, Skype, whatnot. It doesn't have to MEAN anything deeper.
Maybe when you get closer to October you can bring it up (meeting in person) and go out for a lunch or coffee - like you would a friend.
But let's be realistic for a moment. If you two tried to take it further would you be able to see each other in person and REALLY get to know one another? Because you can get to know someone over tech but ONLY superficially. In person is a whole other "ballgame". So many STICK to a platonic back and forth like friends.
And honestly, OP - WORDS are cheap. A guy (or girl) can say things that sound DEEP without leaving the shallow end. It sounds good, it feels good but might not mean more than the letters in alphabet soup. So try not to read MORE into "cutesy phrases".
If you want to have a relationship DEFINITELY look closer to home.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 June 2017):
 Sound's like this won't ever materialise to anything more than talking online.
Some people enjoy having someone to chat and flirt with but knowing there's such a distance between them that they don't have to commit to meeting up.
Let's be realistic, is this ever going to go anywhere? Surely you can find a guy closer to home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): He lives too far away for it to be anything much more than Snapchat-buddies. You can make friends with dozens of people at a time, and distance makes no difference. You can exchange pictures and stories; or just talk anytime.
You're a nice young lady who needs more than just romance on an iPad. I remind my own nieces all the time.
Don't attach feelings to people you've never met. If they never make any effort to meet in-person; consider that the connection you have is strictly friends online. Over a device, is about as far as it goes.
Please learn to control your feelings for people based on more than good chats, emojis, and sweet-talk. You're really beginning to like him, I know!
More has to be offered to let you know, not guess, what a guy's real intentions or feelings are. If he never comes right-out and says he is interested in getting to know you; and eventually would like to meet you. How will you ever know where things can go? When you've been interacting strictly between devices for a long-time. For all you know, he could have a girlfriend he never mentioned.
Be sure to ask! If you don't ask, he may never tell!
I know he's in-touch a lot (almost nonstop); but messaging gets to be habit-forming. Especially when you meet someone very nice and attractive. Yet, he hasn't closed that 9-hour gap; or said anything about wanting you as a long-distance girlfriend. So cool your jets just for the moment. Only he knows what his intentions are, and my guess is he may never be able to meet you.
LDR's are the thing for some people; but so boring and frustrating. Your face is fixated on a screen all hours of the day; and your friends and family rarely see your eyes, or have your attention. You become a screen-drone. You walk into traffic with your head down, reading his never-ending messages.
Just a bunch of messages, pics, or videos of someone you never get to hug, kiss, or hold hands with.
At your age, I think you need more face-time and interaction to learn more about real dating and understanding more about male personalities. Not only what's produced and edited with some online character who may be nicer online than he is in real-life. And possibly hiding the fact he has a girl.
If you can survive on sweet-talk, goofy videos, and screen-images. Go for it.
I think he realizes the distance might be a little costly for someone his age (most likely a student;) so he stopped leading you on with flirting. Or, his girlfriend is monitoring his social media contact with other girls!
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