A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together six months. Everything seems good between us and he's always expressing how much he loves me, wants to stay together for ever and how I'm beautiful in his eyes etc. One of the few issues we have, though I've only sightly mentioned it to him, is I'm concerned with his Facebook. He keeps his friends list private but some of the few mutual friends we have are pretty much all chicks who post provocative photos all day long. He also adds these girls to his snap chat. When he scrolls down his news feed around me, it's always loaded with female selfies and strip club ads etc. And it is starting to bug my confidence in myself as his partner. The little boy that I did mention to him caused him to get defensive and call me irrational so I dropped it to get opinions on here. What are basic expectations people in relationships have in regards to social media? Me and him have both spent a great deal of time single and I think the single habits should be considered but he seems to think such stuff is a form of controlling him. I don't see myself as an insecure person and sometimes watch porn etc with him but the use of local girls as eye candy all the time makes me feel like I'm in constant competition with filtered selfies. How should I handle such a situation most effectively?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2017): Simple rule here , would he be ok with you doing the same with guys pics?
Most men have a huge double standard with this type of thing because they assume that women should be ok with objectification . Men simply havnt grown up in a world where they are objectified intensely from puberty onwards and they have zero compassion for women's experience of what this is like so talk tends to not get us far .
The only way to usually make them understand is to comparing them with equalivalents . Where women are made to compete constantly on looks , men are made to compete mildly on on emotional support .
How about getting some male friends to open up to and share your problems with . Talk to them about how your bf is so busy admiring other women you feel a little insecure , perhaps they could post a nice comment on YOUR figure or appearance on your Facebook to lift your mood .
See how bf likes that competition . I honestly believe that's the only way most men even begin to understand what it's like for women . They just will not listen .
The other option if you couldn't be bothered with all this is just to leave him to his girlie pics and walk ,
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 September 2017):
 It depends who these girls are. Maybe they are his friends from past in which case he probably knows of them much longer than he has been in relationship with you. He does not control what they post but if he does not hang around with them then they do not matter to you. They are just some legacy friends on a Facebook roster. Every couple changes their friends over time but your relationship is so young that it is unlikely that he will drop them.
On the other hand, if there are some girls whom he gawks at and has no clue who they are... well, that would be problematic in which case I'd ask him to stop gawking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2017): If you're not okay with it then you should not have to put up with it. If he knows how much it bothers you he should respect your feelings enough to stop this. In a committed relationship I don't think too many women would like this behavior. It seems juvenile and disrespectful to me.
You may have to make some hard decisions. Do you want to keep dating someone who does this? The likelihood of him stopping because it bothers you seems pretty slim. He's already said you're being controlling and irrational. Imho you are being neither.
Honeypie is right. He's doing a shitty thing to you and if you stay you'll just have to suck it up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2017):
 Are the girls he has added real life FRIENDS or just chicks on Facebook?
If they are Real Life Friends I don't see what being in a relationship has to do with anything. It's not like he can control how "naughty" their pictures are.
If they are JUST random girls he has added because they POST naughty pictures then I don't find it appropriate at all for a guy who has a GF. Because why would he need to add them? And to snap-chat too?
Of course, he got defensive. He wants to do what HE wants to do. Instead of telling him how it made you feel maybe you should ask him how he would FEEL if you added a bunch of guys who posted near-naked pictures. Make him use his noodle.
My guess is he WON'T drop them for you. And then you have to either STICK by your standard of not being with a guy who does shit like this (because it IS a shitty move) or if you can suck it up.
I don't think it's being insecure per se to not want your BF to act like a single dude and ogling other girls IN FRONT of you (even if it is online). For me, I'd lose a bit of respect for him and trust in him.
YOU have to decide DO I want to date a guy who does this or is this a deal breaker. and then you act accordingly.
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