A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanks in advance for reading.I'm having trouble dating and trusting men after a very difficult year that I'm slowly getting through and coming to terms with.This year I've had to deal with sudden job changes, dates going wrong and being treated badly, ghosted by all the guys I really liked and dated. Death of an extended family member, an abortion and the death of my beloved dog.I have dealt/dealing with all of this, but I've recently met a guy I like quite a lot, I met him at a friend's party. Not on a website, which hasn't happened in a long time. I initiated a lot of the contact etc.and I was the one who made the move.Anyways we've been on a few dates and it seems to be going well, my problem is that, his contact is very bad, he does reply to my messages but it's very sporadic and he often will stop messaging me in the middle of a conversation with no sign off etc.Basically I'm wondering if it's too soon to mention that I'd prefer more contact and for him to initiate more of the meeting up, I've been talking to him for 2-3 months now.He knows about some of the stuff I've been through and I know a small amount about him, however our mutual friend informed me that he is a recovering alcoholic, which I can understand, must be difficult and has it's challenges, however, I suffer from depression and am taking medication long term. We have not told each other explicitly about these things yet, but I feel that it's the type of relationship that will go there, hopefully eventually.I've had so much hurt this year, from various things, I thought I met someone really special who promised to keep in contact with me when he went back home etc. and let me down badly, knowing how devastated I was when my dog was dying. Broke all of his promises and broke contact when I needed him most, of course now I know that he was taking utter BS but when my dog was dying, my guard was down.I'm just finding it very difficult to trust people after what I've been through. I'm generally quite straight forward, I generally ask people straight out what they want and if we both want different things, then I don't lead that person on.I have more respect for people who just want sex but who are upfront about it, than those who lead you to believe it's not about sex, but then when you do, it was just about sex.I just don't want to invest my time when I'm uncertain, I really like this new guy a lot, we seem to have a lot in common and there's a mutual spark, but I'm just not sure if I'm going to come across as too pushy/clingy/needy by telling him I want to see more of him and possibly one or two more texts from him, he was better in the beginning, texting me a lot more, but that has died down, the last time we met, I suggested that he possibly wasn't really interested in me and just entertaining me, which he said he likes me a lot. I think he's being honest.I know we're both a bit guarded and we both have our reasons which I hope we will get to discuss.But do I ask him or is it too soon, I'd like to give this a chance but I'm guarded also.We have kissed and had some fumbles but we haven't had sex yet, and I'm happy about this.Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): I meant to say don't go looking for co-sufferers. Sometimes you feel you might get more empathy or understanding from people if you're more candid. You feel they might be more at ease if they know you have problems. Everyone has problems; that's a given. Some people have way too many!
It's best to be honest and open; but they have to earn or deserve that kind of trust first.
I wish you the best, my dear!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to read,the advice is greatly appreciated, thanks so much.
I've decided to calm down and just let things flow, try not to get too bothered over contact/etc. and what happens, happens, I'll deal with it as it comes.
It's difficult at times, trying to let go of certain doubts and fears, but life is so short, I'm putting more energy into building my fitness and trying not to worry so much, of course it's not always possible to be calm and collected but I am trying and am all the better for it! I would encourage anyone to do the same, focus on themselves and try not to control so much!
Once again, much thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to read,the advice is greatly appreciated, thanks so much.
I've decided to calm down and just let things flow, try not to get too bothered over contact/etc. and what happens, happens, I'll deal with it as it comes.
It's difficult at times, trying to let go of certain doubts and fears, but life is so short, I'm putting more energy into building my fitness and trying not to worry so much, of course it's not always possible to be calm and collected but I am trying and am all the better for it! I would encourage anyone to do the same, focus on themselves and try not to control so much!
Once again, much thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2017): You are being a little needy, because you've been through a lot. He's a recovering-alcoholic; and he really can't be around too many triggers or people handling too many personal-issues. It could drive him to drink. Dwelling on their problems and sorrows is the last thing an alcoholic needs!
He is being friendly and wants to be casual. If you don't get a lot of feedback or contact; it's because he's not that into you. He likes you, but may have minimal romantic interest. He has his own demons to deal with.
I think you really need to work on your problems before you get too serious about dating. I also think you should slowly reveal very personal matters regarding your mental-health and bouts with depression. You tell-all before you know whether the guy really wants to pursue a romantic-connection or simply a friendly one.
Remember, you were the pursuer!
You're giving men warnings that you may have some problems; and most guys don't want to deal with them. I'm not saying you should hide it; but slowly gain more trust and familiarity before opening-up about such personal-information.
Don't go looking for co-suffers. The idiom "misery loves company" shouldn't apply to the dating process. No one wants to sit and listen to your problems and insecurities all night. Nor do people want to sit and listen to how others have mistreated you. That is saying "I'm damaged and riddled with issues." People who are prime dating-material should have their acts together, carry minimum to no baggage, and want to put their best foot forward. You should be over your problems, not in the midst of recovery.
Keep conversation light and jovial; and you might get more contact. If you've unloaded all your problems and issues; because you know he's got a few, you will scare him off.
All he needs is someone to depress him, burden him with their sorrows, and send him spiraling into a state of relapse. Maintaining sobriety is a very tough and lonely struggle. He fights everyday of his life.
He is probably on a step-program; and he is counseled against starting new relationships too soon. He is warned against being with people who may over-challenge him emotionally or psychologically. He may only add to your problems. He may be trying to tell you something.
Stop trying so hard to reach him. I think you need to work on yourself and let some of your recent emotional-setbacks have time to heal and subside. If you're gloomy and guarded; that isn't being a great date at all. Maybe you're over-sharing.
Maybe he doesn't want to be someone you can be totally open with; or maintain regular contact. Maybe he just wants to date, chat, and have some fun occasionally.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (15 September 2017):
I sympathize w/you 100%, but I advise not saying anything and seeing what he does. I have been in that position quite a few times and I wish I had been patient in watching the guy's actions vs their words. I have learned that you don't need to talk to someone about treating you well, if they do care, that treatment comes naturally to them. I dated a guy long distance. His communication wasn't great (took hours to answer, would stop in the middle of the convo, etc). He went on and on about how much he liked me, wanted to be w/me and everything. The communication got worse, forgotten vid calls and sometimes an entire day w/out a single text. The 1st time I talked to him about that, he improved for a couple weeks. It all fell apart because his behavior didn't improve. If he doesn't make an effort, he isn't interested. When I started dating again, I could tell when a guy was interested. I have been w/my bf a short while and other then when my anxiety gets the best of me, I never have to question how interested he is. He texts me, calls me when he says he will. Be patient and see how he acts. Do not ask him if he is interested because the guy will say anything not to have conflict (doesn't matter if they were interested or not, the guys always said they were when I asked).
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