A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Need help guys...VERY confused right now!So Iv been in a relationship for a year now. Knew this guy all along, but we were never really friends, although i know he used to like me a lot. I left town for higher studies,got back, we got in touch and now we'r together. This guy is really sweet to me...almost perfect. The only problem with him was, whenever I asked him about his past (and i know he was in a relationship which didn't end well), he just clamped up. He absolutely didn't want to talk about it, not even mention it. Honestly, I found that a little weird, because Iv had a couple of awful relationships as well, but I'm over them...and while talking about them is not my favorite thing, I dont mind it if someone asks me about all that.Yesterday I asked him something about his ex, and he just flared up. I wanted to get him to talk and open up, because I dont mind his past...Iv had mine too.When I asked him why he's so bitter about it still, he said..."i still cant believe she could do this to me. How could I let someone take so much advantage of me"...and stuff like that.I was taken aback...because this is what one normally says right after a break-up....not something that a person says after 3 years of breaking up!! Apparently he still cant believe how much she "used" him and then just left him. (I know...nobody can ever use you, unless you allow them to). Anyway, when i tried talking to him about it, all these pent up emotions just came tumbling out, which he had never discussed with anyone. He says he hates the girl, but the "way she manipulated him" hurt him a lot. Seems to me, he is still not over that break-up, yet he loves me!!How is that even possible??? What am i supposed to do in this situation?? If we had had this talk before we got into the relationship and were still in the "friends" phase, it would have been ok. But I dont think that as his girlfriend now, its in anyway normal to help him get over his ex!!What should I do??I dont want to be the consolation prize and I certainly dont want such a messed up person. Do you think its normal for a person to behave like this? What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys...really liked what both of you said. I was being too pushy and breathing down his neck since yesterday, trying to get him to talk. But i guess i should be patient,try to get him to stop being so bitter and gradually help him out of the mess.
Thanks again...you've been of immense help!! Thanks!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): I will try to answer you from your bf point of view...
Since I also was recently used, cheated and eventually dumped... I know it's recently and not 3 years, but knowing myself, I will hurt about what happened for many years...
May be your bf didn't get a proper chance to talk about what happened then with anyone, holding all this anger inside himself all this time...
Please, don't be judgmental to him, but try to be supportive and understanding (this is what I would expect from my gf). I am sure not too long from now you will completely occupy his mind and he will not be so upset about his past (of course he will always remember it, but something as not very significant).
So in summary: patient, understanding and support will do the work I think. Hope it helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Hi there!
Some men repress their emotions because of the stress of having to deal with them. Ive rec'd counseling for mine (However, in my instance it was a very very extreme thought/emotion I repressed). Im a man not proud of my past, no man prob is, esp with women. I myself like to focus on the future and when we look back we get pissed cause we were immature and whatever. When I look to the future, I feel happy and damn optimistic. Your BF may also feel this way and doesnt like to focus on the past or even talk about it as hes learned from it and moved on...but doesnt like to speak about it because the emotion involved. Its healthy for him to get his thoughts out, but not in an angry manner, as when such an emotion is expressed the reasoning behind the past comes out emotional and not logical. Ive learned to look back and remove the emotion and just apply logic, but I was only able to do that thru counseling. Depending on what he went thru and how he feels, Id highly recommend that to him as it was very very productive for me and in return my future relationships (I hope for only one more:) ) will not suffer.
Kind Regards
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