A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I keep having this problem where I lose friends because of breaking up with/losing interest/not being interested in the first place. I guess my problem is two-fold. I could be friends with a group of people (mixed genders), we get along fine, we all hang out and all is good. Sometimes, I'll end up with just-a-crush on a guy friend and the next thing I know, we're flirting. It's non-sexual touching, I don't dress sexually and outside of compliments (that's a good look for you/love the shoes/oh come on, you are not ugly), I don't comment on appearance. It's more silly-giddy flirting and I'm more likely to gently cuff someone on the shoulder or whack them in the bicep when I'm just being silly. Just like they'd bat my ponytail or pull my hood over my head. Mostly, it's just laughing or being random like running around the sprinklers down town spontaneously.While that part is fun, it usually gets ruined because a) friends are pushing and pushing and pushing for us to "just admit you're going out and get it over with" b) the guy likes me and is genuinely hurt when I tell him I"m not looking for that or c) it just becomes assumed we're dating (like they don't ask) and then ... all that fun, flirty stuff ends. I know I don't need a boyfriend now because as soon as it's established that we're going out, I lose my crush. Part of it is because I miss my friends: we would have mutual friends/acquaintances and then when I try to break up with him (no reason other than not interested/didn't mean to give that impression/didn't intend on being in a relationship with him) the friends want to dump ME. Even if they knew me longer.When friends break up and I'm still friends with the person they dumped (provided there was no abuse or cheating), then I'M the bad friend for not being "loyal". But where's the loyalty with me? They still want to be friends with the guy and I'm the bad person if I flirt with someone in front of them. But ... then when do I do it? I do that with someone outside the group, friends want to invite him in and the cycle repeats itself ... or, I end up dating him even though I didn't want to. Most people don't even ask if I want a relationship, they assume.So I mean, it's "flirting" but very low-key and more just acting silly with someone. This doesn't happen with my other female friends, so it shouldn't be taken the wrong way. This has been happening in various groups since HS and I'm sick of losing friends all the time! I'm always the one who has to leave, start over with new friends, new groups (I've had to leave student groups bc they made it so uncomfortable with shunning me and being catty). NO ONE will tell me what I'm doing different or wrong and they tell me I have to "figure it out". Well, I haven't figured it out yet. Also, I get told by many guys that I'm "just trying to play them" and some have gotten so furious about me doing that that I've felt vaguely threatened even though I really wasn't at all.The main reason I don't to date those guys is because I don't want to date anyone - I figured that out with my first HS boyfriend but no one will let me stay single. When I asked a friend (laughing, to keep it light) why she couldn't stand to see people single, she said, "I can't stand to see YOU single. You're a sweet, good person, and you deserve a good guy. You're bad a choosing guys for yourself and we don't want someone unworthy to steal you" But then she ended up hating me later and telling me I should have won an academy award for my acting skills.I knew I didn't want a boyfriend after my first one because I had ZERO interest in even making out and I still really don't. I mean, I do have a sex drive, but it's not directed at people at all. Hard to explain, it's not at inanimate objects or animals or anything either. I do like to cuddle, but it seems that's reserved for relationships and usually, just like the flirting and acting silly and talking for hours part ... the cuddling comes WAY less often and it's pretty much just sex or sexual stuff after awhile. And I'm told that's because I limit our time together too much! Also, being in a relationship means I don't have the freedom to flirt or else I"m "cheating" and it means I miss my time to myself and my friends.I'm not flirting to lead anyone on, it's just an unplanned, spontaneous flirting thing and I get "stuck" on a person for awhile and then it fades. What is going on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2015):
 Yes OP, I think you have answered your own question. You are attempting at a more mature age to live that budding female sexuality and sensuality that you were forbidden to express when you were 14 or so.
Actually, with all the 13 , and 12 ! y.o. girls who apparently are sexually active nowadays ( urgh ! horrible ! ) I guess things may have changed- but until not that long ago, a young girl would test the waters of her female " power " of seduction just in the way you describe : SAFE. Sort of answering to the call of nature ( do not be mistaken, all that playfighting that teens engage in , is nothing else than a safe , symbolic representation of intercourse ) but making sure that the boys know it's an " you can look but not touch ". Or, you can touch, but not touch THERE yet. Ergo, all the flirting and giggling and cute moves you indulge in now.
But your friend are grown men and women , OP- they will either misunderstand what you really want ,i.e. to live experiences that you have been denied at the right time, - or they will be baffled and slightly annoyed, like in " what's wrong with her ?! ".
Life goes in stages, and , although some people retain a playful spirit until the day they die- which is good, never take yourself too seriously,- this playfulness will come out by and by in different forms than the ones you are using now.
It is sad and lamentable ,maybe, that you were forced to skip a stage of your growth , OP, but, it is what it is . Once I read , about people with Mommy issues :" You can't drink at 50 the breast milk you never got as an infant " and alas it's very true .Perhaps, might as well not even trying.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): I think I understand the problem. I mean, if I can't see myself talking to a male relative the way I do some guys, then I shouldn't do it. I wouldn't talk to women that way (flirting, I mean). I really, truly, am trying to make it clear it's non-sexual but I think Cindycares is right that I'm coming off too feminine which means I can't come across as joking around. I also think the first poster was right that maybe I'm trying too hard and that I'm trying to be something I'm not. I didn't realize that being cute and silly was so immature, but I don't see my parents or solidly married couples doing that so I guess that initial stage ends soon.I think I also talk to my guy friends like I do female friends (confiding) and I seek out an inappropriate emotional intimacy with male friends although I don't mean to. I just basically want friends I can be silly with but it's hard: if you're single, everyone's on the dating/sleeping with stage. If you're married/coupled you only want couples or you want to couple up your single friends.That's really sad, considering I missed out on that fun stuff when I was younger. I was very over-protected/over-restricted and I think that added to it. READ: I was home-schooled, home-churched, and we all worked on our property as much as possible. I was not to socialize outside of people from bible classes or home-school get-togethers and I was not to have opposite-gender friends. I did anyway, but I was not allowed to. NO friends were allowed in our bedrooms and we were not to be in there unless we were sleeping or changing our clothes. Bathroom time was to take no longer than 5 minutes or else you were fair game. I never even listened to Christian Rock until bible college because it was forbidden. If you've ever been to a Bible College, you'd understand that that is 10x more restricted than most homes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 May 2015):
To annoy people you act, well, annoying :)? and not age- appropriate.
The silly/giddy/aw shucks / running around hydrants thing is cute when you are 16, - 10 years later is only CUTESY, and eye-roll inducing - YOU have fun, but the other people, certainly somewhat less. It is also , consciously or not, a way to draw attention on yourself and be in the spotlight, - as opposed as to be one of a bunch of friends all having fun together , and joining in a ( hopefully ) rational conversation - so your friends will reasonably think that, if you are trying so hard, it's because you want something more , in a sexual/romantic way than just " being silly " in such a solipsistic, sleeve -pulling way. Ditto for the guys. Most women will flirt to signal a romantic/ sexual interest, therefore the guys will assume that if you do act in a certain way it's because you want a bf or a lover. What else should they think ? If you think about it, the best way to keep at arm's length ,in a non-offensive way, someone like, say, a colleague which you esteem but find totally unattractive, a dear friend whom you only have brotherly feelings for, is to stay scrupulously away from any personal comment or compliment, and to watch your body language keeping it relaxed but without any suggestion of intimacy.
Wait : in only apparent contraddiction with what I just said, there are people, in fact entire CULTURES ( come to Italy and you'll see what I mean ) who flirt all the time, as natural as they breathe , and it does not mean anything in particular. But- let's say it's a natural ability, that not everybody owns, and it's done at a more sophisticated level. Difficult, impossible in fact, to explain it in written- but let's say it's done in a way that it's clear that even the most risque' , sauciest banter is a battle of WITS- it's about showing spirit and brilliance and brain , much more than showing the need to impress or to get noticed. As instead a CONSTANT prancing around shaking your ponytail would do would signal- even if that's not your intention .
Of which, allow me, I doubt a little. I think that if you JUST wanted to vent some juvenile high spirits and have a lark with the guys- maybe you'd be acting like" one of the boys " , openly be clowning around , or being a tomboy, heavy pats on the back and all.
It sounds instead that you are using a very FEMALE (maybe caricaturally so ) body language, - because you want the kind of attention a FEMALE would enjoy : kissies and cuddles and hugs and compliments. With no intention, though, of ever reciprocating, ever taking it any further, ever GIVING gratification in exchange for what you receive- which is rather self centered , even a tad narcissistic- and it is this that puts people off, regardless of future developments , matchmaking efforts and divided loyalties.
Conclusion : I am afraid you can't have it both ways . If you do not master the difficult art of flirting as an INTELLECTUAL exercise , through which making clear to everybody that you are making EVERYBODY feel good aboud themselves , yourself AND them- you just have to tune it down and change verbal/ body language. If you exclude wanting a relationship or a fling or any further degree of intimacy, - then do not act in a way that suggest the opposite. Even if it's fun for you. It's not all about your fun ! Some people have fun going around pulling dogs' tails- it does not necessarily mean it is a good idea.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 May 2015):
I have interacted with a few girls like you in the past. Girls like you are not tied to anything and often go-with-the-flow, including the flirting. In the past, those ladies spoke as if their life has been planned in stages..."now I dont want to be tied down and in 3 years I will find someone"...."in 2 years of dating I will marry the guy or re-establish my options". They will not budge their life's "stages".
Ladies like this often held no responsibility for their actions when things escalated either between their lady friends or guy friends. Your words contradict itself. You aren't flirting to lead anyone because it is unplanned...but it can't really be unplanned if this is all you do/want to do when you meet someone cute. You get a certain high off flirting and having people come and go out of your life because that is what you have taught yourself.
Reality is that, people do make mistakes and people argue and have misunderstands with each other. Their differences sort itself out one way or another which creates or breaks the bond. Someone like you would quicker bail on the whole situation. This makes your life's intentions questionable. You flirt, but you don't want to have the responsibility of choosing someone. You say you are loyal but you jump groups. Your lady friends aren't forcing you to be single, you are choosing to stick around when they get cheated on etc. But you don't have to stick around. They are out there making choices whether good or bad but you are just waiting, and going with the flow. Eventually, your cute attitude shows a severe lack of loyalty within any group so eventually those ladies will just not trust you.
Perhaps not all guys flirt with the intention of a relationship but feelings can happen and people aren't in control of their hearts. You can't expect guys to stick around when they are shot down. People are looking for partners, it is to be expected. If you don't want a partner then don't flirt. Not everyone is into the initial high of a crush. Most people have out grown that stage by now. There are better feelings to experience.
Im sure if a guy talked about how he just loves hanging out with his friends who are couples as well as his single friends, and just want to chill all the time...he would seem very weird to any girl and almost childish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): My guess is that you are lonely and that you like the attention. (I do NOT mean that in the attention-whore way because you probably are a nice person). The problem is, while you honestly don't think you're being overtly sexual, you ARE sending out "interested" vibes. Some girls (like many of your female friends) can get away with it and it seems you can't. I have a friend similar to you and the best I can come up with it to say that it sounds like you're trying to be something you're not. My friend wants to be the fun-loving, flirty girl but it just isn't in her nature. There's just something about her personality that screams instant, "Girlfriend material". I tend to give off the "one of the guys" vibe even when I dress girly - it's just obvious that I can't pull off the cutesy thing for some reason.Also, when a girl needs/wants nothing but attention and she's trying as hard as you are (sounds like you're trying too hard), she comes across as a) desperate b) in need of "taming" or c) like she's messing with people's feelings. I think your crush fades as soon as you're dating someone because the rush of the silly/fun/flirting thing is over with. Relationships work in phases (even same-gender friendship ones). The "initial" part of flirting/talking for hours DOES end because that's what you do when you're LOOKING for someone. It's fun for the person being persued but not so much the one doing the persuing. It's nerve-wracking because rejection can come any time and who wants to do all that work only to have them lose interest or for someone else to step in and snap her up?I think that it would help you to go on a "man fast" where you don't talk to men at all unless you have to. Then, just be polite and try to be standoffish. I'm thinking other girls think you're flirting with their boyfriends too. If you find yourself getting giggly or silly, that's your cue to back it off some. Best yet, you can focus on being friends with WOMEN by joining groups that are mostly/all women and finding common interests. That would help you develop who YOU are and to make friends. To see how those other women react around men.I hope I helped you.PS From the sounds of it, you either have a very low sex drive, you're hormones aren't developed yet, or maybe you're asexual. That's another route to take, when you're ready. There are asexual dating sites out there so maybe that will help.
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