A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and we have our whole future planned out. sometimes this makes me happy, other times I think about it and get scared. I got wind of him proposing to me once and freaked and split up with him (not very nice I know.) Im so confused :-s.First let me explain afew emotions I am/have been goin through.1) I never want sex anymore-the times we do do it I give in because I dont want him to miss out and get it elsewhere....2) When he tries to kiss me I pull away.I thought maybe I had issues with claustraphobia-untill one night whilst on a break I spent a night with someone else (just kisses and cuddles) at which point I knew that that was not the case.3) If i am very busy or have lots of social plans I am not bothered about seein him. he says he misses me-but i never miss him-even when he went on holiday for a week.4) I have had many crushes on other guys. to the point where ithink about them alot, and on odd occasions text them. Nothing has come of these.5) I still love my first love. 6) I have had a very complicated and in some ways hurtful childhood. Often times i just want someone always there for me. 7) I have never been single (may have summit to do with it.)I have been advised by afew others, all of which know him and constantly tell me hat he is one in a million and ill never find a man so kind and giving etc. But is that enough in a relationship? We have tried to spice things up-but its not happening for me. I get more pleasure on my own. Advice wud be great!! Grats!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (9 February 2009):
At first glance it sounds like you are deciding to be with him but another part of you is trying to sabotage it, find a way out. So my question would be, why do you choose to stay with him? You mention you've never been single; do you feel a need to have someone validate you to feel good about yourself?You may be trying to withhold yourself so start a fight so you'll have an excuse to get out without taking responsibility for saying what you want. Or you may just not have any chemistry with him, and are torn between wanting passion in your life and wanting to be "safe" (have a man, someone to look after you, take you out, etc).Does he make you laugh (not in a sarcastic way)? To laugh, you have to let your defenses down. And you need some chemistry. If you can laugh, you can be friends, affection can grow from that. As for the sexual stuff. When sex and intimacy are withheld, it can make a guy (or gal) feel insecure or inadequate. This can make someone feel or act needy, which makes them further unattractive. A downward spiral. While compromise is sometimes needed due to different libidos, sexual incompatibilities often either signal a relationship that is in trouble, or can lead to the same.I'm inclined to say that if you have to work this hard at it after 3.5 years, he's probably not the right guy for you. Doesn't mean he's not a great guy, doesn't mean you aren't being immature, doesn't mean you might not miss him one day. Just means that the person you are, right now (and the past few years), isn't clicking, and you may be missing opportunities to grow and learn. Even if what you grow to learn is that he was great.Another way to look at it: if he is really such a great guy, he should have someone who really loves him, who looks forward to spending her life with him. That makes him feel valued and secure. You may also be keeping him from her, or yourself from becoming her.Just some food for thought. Good luck.
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