A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So very confused. I will keep this as short as I can...I have been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years, but I feel it has run its course. She is a great girl, I still like her very much, but I don't see a future with her and haven't for quite a long time now. This is the first relationship she has ever been in and it's so valuable to her. I am her first love and therefore her love is deep. While I feel like I have loved her, I'm also too conscious of the fact that her love for me is SO much stronger than mine for her. It fills me with guilt knowing I don't feel the same way for her as she does for me.I have given us time. I wanted to be fair and to give us a chance to see if things between us get better, because the last couple of months have been very stale between us. We've argued, I feel detached from her and we have generally lost the spark. I feel like I'm irritated much more easily than I used to, and I generally don't like the way I treat her anymore.When our relationship started, our relationship was so full of life (as is frequently the case with new relationships). We used to go places and have adventures. We had an absolute blast. My change in jobs may have been a turning point. I used to only work a few days per week. Since November I have been working 9 - 5, Monday to Friday. I used to have a lot of time on my hands and I would use that to plan new, fun and interesting things for us to do together. But now, because I have such little free time, I'm beginning to resent the time I spend with her. I know that that's wrong, I recognise it, and again, it makes me feel guilty. She thinks it may be stress related, but I'm not certain.To make matters worse, we are due to go on holiday abroad in just over ONE WEEK for 10 nights. This week; feeling the way I have has driven me to the brink. It got to the point where I wanted to break things off. Initially I wanted to wait and have the holiday first in the hope that it would change my mind, but I couldn't face the idea of us going on holiday only for me to break things off soon after. It would look like I was just leading her along so that I could have a holiday and I didn't want her, nor anyone else to think that of me. I talked to her about it. I told her that I would rather her go with a friend or with family. I even offered to reimburse the money she paid for her half of the holiday. I'm trying to do the honourable thing. She's a lovely girl and I care for her very much. I want to avoid hurting her, but I know it's impossible to break somebody's heart and have them not get hurt.She knows where I stand now. At present, we are going on holiday and are giving things one last shot. She said that if things between us must end, she would want the holiday to be the last thing we do and share together. I feel like such a bad guy. I'm only trying to do the right thing, but no matter what I do I'm going to end up hurting her or myself, because I am suffering in this situation as well. It's a horrible, horrible feeling, and no matter what I do I feel like I'm damned.What would you do? I'm now in the position where I think we will end up going on this holiday. At least if I go, that proves to her that I'm willing to give us another chance, and I owe her that. It's just what happens during and after the holiday that is troubling me so much. I don't want to take BOTH the holiday and the relationship away from her, but I also can't let her build up the expectation in her head that there is a way back for us, because I'm not convinced there is.Please advise me. Thanks very much and my apologies for a very long read. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): A year ago, my fiance almost broke up with me after 8 years together. He wasn't sure why he wanted to break up, but knew that he was stressed out because of work to the point where he could no longer enjoy anything in life.I told him I did not want to break up. That we had been through far stressful times in the past and we would get through this one as well. It took us some time, but we did. A year has passed and our relationship is healthier than it ever has been.You need to try and stop making yourself feel so stressed out about everything. You have already planned a holiday, please take it with your girlfriend and relax together. If you find that your attraction to her returns when you are not stressed out, then your job is likely the cause of the stress in your life and you need to try and find something more suitable for you.If you find that your feelings for her do not return, then amicably end things once you have returned from holiday.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 Look you were honest.
she knows where you stand
go on holiday with her... have fun
talk about the wonderful Memories you will have of her years from now from the vacation (to make it very clear that you have no intent of staying when it's over)
I think she may however be correct in that you are stressed having moved from part time to full time work and feeling you have no alone time...
do you see her EVERY day?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): Theres always a "bad" guy in the end of a relationship. If it werent you it wouldve been her. You just have to take the bull by the horns, put your foot down and just end it. Whether you do it now or wait till later, you're still going to be the "bad" guy and your timing is not going to hurt her any less.
And don't give her so little credit. You may break up with her and for all you know she'll bounce back quicker than you think. You said she is a lovely girl so I doubt she'll fall into some deep dark pathetic depression for the next five years. I am sure she'll rebound quickly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): if there's a chance the stresses of your new work hours is the cause of your change of heart about her, you could go on the holiday to see how you feel away from work BUT it sounds like you don't want to, and that you actually need time to yourself to relax&to perhaps reflect on your relationship (tho tbh it sounds like it is over for you). i'd advise you not to holiday together. she's hoping it'll re-kindle your love and happy memories will be made, but that's not going to happen, is it? going on holiday gives her the wrong message if you're sure it's over. better to break up asap&leave her with the option of going on the holiday with someone else to distract her from feeling hurt. you need to be honest with yourself and with her. these things happen, wanting to break up doesn't make you a bad person, but giving her false hope (even if you don't mean to) by going away together would be unkind and you seem a caring guy. show her your post on dearcupid asap!
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A
female
reader, la femme jolie +, writes (5 May 2013):
Planning a holiday with a woman whom you're no longer romantically interested in was foolish. But now that it's done, you should pay for her share of the holiday and if she has a friend who'd like to go with her, pay for that as well, and let her go with her friend. She might meet someone new on holiday. With you along, this won't happen. Just be honest with her and get the break up over with. She's seeing the holiday as a way to re stimulate the relationship, and you're seeing it as a "mea culpa, but I'm dumping you soon" gesture. No need to prolong the agony for either of you.
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