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male
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*arvin
writes: Hi,I am in a relationship which has so far lasted 5 years. My partner and I have not had an easy run at things, yet I refuse to give up on a relationship which does have some really good times. I have noticed that I have given up all the good things which I enjoy and have become a clone of my other half. I feel was always his intention, yet he has now complained bitterly that I have given up on myself. I have just found out that he may have had two affairs with different guys becuase they are more self assured, and have more drive. I will now fight harder for what I want, but is our relationship over??I'm very confused, please helpRegardsPx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2005): I may be wrong here, but it sounds to me that you have basically given up who you "really" are to purely accomodate his needs & wants and he doesn't want that. Respect is a big factor in relationships and he has lost some respect for you simply because you have chosen to lose "who you truely are".
If you have strong fears of being alone and feel only a relationship with this guy, will make you complete, then I feel it might be time to start taking a long hard look at yourself. The willingness to give up your own values, morals, and interests for the sake of this relationship, in order to keep your partner happy, is in my opinion, self-destructive and very self-defeating. When you are desperate for a relationship with another, you can fall into a pattern of repeatedly giving up your own needs, until you have no life of your own left. With your energy fixated on your partner, you become less interested in your own self, have less time for your own family/ friends, and start to ignore your own interests. Eventually you will be in a situation where fear rules your relationship, on your part. You will be afraid to bring up problems with your partner lest they threaten the relationship that you need, but you will also be unhappy and empty within yourself and he's recognizing this. This occurs because when you give up your own life and live solely for your partner, you are subordinating your needs to his, and it's chipping away at your own self-esteem without you possibly realizing it. But he sees it and that is bothering him. In my opinion, no relationship is worth this. Try finding your "sense of self" and start believing in who you once were.
As for asking if your relationship is over? No one knows but you and him. You are both living in that reality. If you can forgive him of his affairs, you might stand a chance if you both make the decision to start anew. Time for you both to sit down and talk this out. Five years is a long time to just throw away. Recognize now that love takes a lot of work. It is energy well spent because it takes far more energy to dispose of a relationship and find a new one than it does to keep a current one healthy. By choosing well up front, and by doing the work to keep your relationship healthy, your life and the lives of the one you love will be much happier. Good luck and I wish you both well
A
female
reader, innermind +, writes (25 November 2005):
I wonder if the good times are enough to carry this relationship through? It seems you are unable to be yourself in this relationship but you can't be a clone of him either. Who do you really want to be? what are the good things you have given up? Can you really be happy having given up all the things you enjoy on the off chance of a few good times?
You say he "may" have had two affairs. do you know for sure? can you trust him now? Is the the excuse you are looking for to break up the relationship?
You say you will fight harder for what you want but it seems to me you dont know what you want or even who you are anymore.
Take a good honest look at yourself. Are you happy? what are the things that make you happy? are you geting these from this relationship. what has to happen in your relationship in order for you to be happy? is this possible? are you willing to try? now decide whether this relationship is over.
good luck and best wishes
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