A
male
age
41-50,
*on ness
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. Everything was great and we did all the things any couple would do, except she did not want to have sex until about 4-5 months into our relationship. The first time I tried to initiate sex was about one month after we started dating. She wasn't comfortable yet, and wanted to get to know me more; which I respected. She loves cuddling, kissing and everything else though. So, I didn't think it was a intimacy problem and I am very patient.I found it odd that she held off from sex for so long. And as of now, we've only had sex twice in six months. She tells me how sexy and great I am, but doesn't want to have sex with me more often? Is this a red flag? I just don't understand her. If this doesn't ever change, I might as well move on which will break her heart. Am I wrong in wanting to break up? I'll feel guilty as she loves me very much. She apologizes for being tired, and wants to put it off for another time. I know sex isn't everything, but we're both young and healthy. Any advice on this?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (2 February 2009):
It sounds like she's been used before or that she hasn't had many other partners so she's waiting to see if you are right before committing fully and having sex.
However, now that you have had sex, I'm surprised she doesn't want it more.
What does she say when you ask her why you are not having it more often? Talk to her and say you were happy to wait for as long as it took but sex is important to you and you want to be in a relationship where you are going to be wanted often, and with a girl who comes on to you, not just sees it as a chore.
As you say, it is a very important thing in a relationship and if you are not compatible in sex drives then you might want to move on.
Next time if you are waiting for sex until you are committed then talk about it way before the act. Make sure that she has a high sex drive and is just waiting for moral reasons and not just because she wants a gay best friend to cuddle up to at night.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Six months is not all that long to date someone, even at our age it isn't a bad idea to put sex on the back burner and work on building the relationship. Especially for women as our biology causes us to bond very closely with the man we are having sex with, whereas men do not. This can cause a lot of hurt and devestation for women thinking that they have chosen to be intimate with a man who pretended to love them in order to get sex. Sorry, dude, but men have been known to fake and entire relationship just to get sex....so she may have experienced this in the past and is wanting to take things very slow.
Talk to her about this, find out if this is her reason, she may be making up the tired excuse because she doesn't want to broach the subject or may not even be aware that is what she is doing and why.
If you love her, you can wait for sex.....if you want to be with her then you have a whole lifetime for sex....if that is all you are looking for then do her a favor and move on.
Ask her what her sex drive is like, how often does she want to have sex in a commited relationship.....but the frequency you have had it tells me it is due to deeper issues.
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