A
female
age
36-40,
*atieS
writes:I am a 21 year old female and have been with my boyfriend, also 21 for 4 years. I love him but recently have developed feelings for somebody else. He is 38..I really don't know what to do. I know my boyfriend loves me and it would kill him if we broke up. do you think we should take a break from one another? i'm not sure how i'd feel if we did..or if it's completely stupid or selfish. We are happy together most of the time but i feel as though i look elsewhere. I know it sounds awful!This other man pays me alot of attention and I think about him alot. I feel guilty having sex with my boyfriend and sometimes find it difficult to get turned on as i start to see my boyfriend as just 'cute' and not in a sexual way. It's difficult to explain. I'm really confused.I know this older man likes me but i'm not sure..if i'd never met him would i still feel this way about my boyfriend? From september our relationship is going to be long-distant as i will be studing abroad for a year. But then i worry as we have a holiday booked in July. Am i looking for excuses. I don't know what to do. Please help.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (2 February 2009):
After 3 to 4 years the initial feeling of love can wear off for a lot of couples (Scientists proved this). But by this time a lot of them are just happy with the friendship and companionship so carry on anyway.
If he has done nothing wrong to merit you dumping him then you can feel like it's just not an option. You've been together since you were 17 so this is your first long term serious boyfriend. This is all you know.
I was EXACTLY the same with my first boyfriend. Breaking up was just not an option because we'd ALWAYS been together, and it USED to be SO good!
In the end I realised I was feeling such lust for other people and feeling SO trapped that I had to say something. Let me tell you that when you go abroad it will be so much worse. You'll be having a great time and meeting new people and adventuring and he'll be calling and doing his cute voice and wanting to talk and you'll be out and not able to and then he'll get annoyed. When I went to uni, my first boyfriend started telling me (over the phone from far away) that I had to stay in my room alone as I was going out too much and it was "diluting my personality".
You just have to sit him down and tell him. I love you but I'm not IN love with you any more. Give him a fighting chance to try and make things better, to try and romance you and recapture what you used to have, but if that doesn't work then you have to call it quits.
As for this other guy, you have to ignore him and cut contact for now. Tell him you are trying to make it work with your boyfriend but you'll be in touch if you find yourself single.
He was a great wake up call but don't do anything more with him or you really will cause pain and hurt to your boyfriend.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): I think you need to have a long, hard think about this. Is this just a passing fancy or have you fallen in love with this new guy. You and your boyfriend have been together for four years, something must have kept you together. Maybe, you're getting a comfortable in your relationship. Try spicing it up a bit, go out and generally spend time together. Just remember, you don't know what you've got until you lose it. Hope this helps.
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