A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated for the last 6 months, during which time we both started seeing other people. In the last few weeks though, we have decided that we still love each other and want to try again. The circumstances of our separation were complicated and left us with a lot to work through, but I believed we are both dedicated enough to each other to make it work this time around.My issue is that even though he says he has broken it off with the girl he was seeing (he broke it off a week ago), he is still having a lot of contact with her. They talk over BBM everyday, sending hugs and hearts, and she goes over to his apartment to visit still. She was over there last night for him to help her dye her hair. When I was messaging him though and not getting a reply, he said he had fallen asleep on the sofa. Plus he had our son last night. They'd also made plans for tomorrow, to go and look at art together. When I tried to make plans with him, he just said maybe. This level of contact makes me completely uncomfortable. I should also mention that this girl also has a boyfriend, who she lives with. She had been planning on leaving him for my husband, before we decided to try again. Just thinking about it makes me angry, I just don't feel that it's appropriate. We've got so much to work through without this as well. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing, and I can't get him to understand. I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking him to limit his contact with her especially right now, but he says he has shared things with her that he's only ever shared with me, and doesn't want to lose her. Again, that makes me comfortable, as he is still sharing things with her. I don't want to be the paranoid wife, but I just don't know what to do. I really don't think that we can make this work with her still in our lives, but I do not want to ask him to stop seeing her altogether. Advice would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (19 August 2011):
it sounds like your husband isn't really committed to working on your marriage, which means that any effort to improve your marriage is going to fail because it takes both people to work on it.
He is saying one thing but doing something else, and actions speak louder than words.
he should have told you that he's not ready to re-commit to the marriage, because in truth that really is the case as he doesn't want to give up the other woman. Why did he tell you something that was not true? did you pressure him to get back together? or is he just a very confused individual and hasn't sorted out what he wants?
either way, it sounds like he hasn't actually made the decision to work on your marriage even though he said he is. So I think you should remain separated from him and not invest yourself further in this relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): It sounds to me like she still has his heart and he cannot let go. Could it be that he is trying to settle for you to do the "right thing"? You need to decide if you want a man who is just settling for you. If he was fully invested in your relationship - he would give her up. Are you willing to share him? If not, it is time to give an ultamatum. Just beware, he may just get better at hiding his attention to her. Or he may just want his cake and eat it too. You deserve better than that - you need to make that clear. Remember, you don't have to settle for him either.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (18 August 2011):
you are not being paranoid you have every right to be feeling the way you are i would talk to him and see if he has actually broke up with her or if he is seeing you both especially as he makes plans with her and says maybe to you you have got to talk to him he sounds very confused with what he wants don.t be second best you deserve better than that
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 If you are both serious about working on your marriage it needs 100% committment from you both. He isnt giving 100%. If he is still sending hugs and hearts and drying this other person's hair I doubt he is giving even 50%.
You are correct. It will not work while she is still in your lives, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to cut contact with her altogether.
He can either work on his marriage to you or he can work on his relationship with her. He cant have both!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Your not being a paranoid wife, your being totally reasonable
Either your husband gives the marriage issues 100% or moves on. How can you be expected to try again if the girl he was seeing is still in his life? I know he's not hiding the fact she's around but she herself should keep away out of respect to you.I think she still has hopes he will be with her.
If he doesn't want to lose her, then personally I would lose him
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