A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I am not the type to write something here, but I do not know where else to turn. To start, I never thought I would need to come here, i always thought we would be perfect. everyone around us, even my family, thinks we are perfect, because I am too scared to ever say anything negative about our relationship, I keep it all to myself.I will start by saying I love him, and i am willing to work for our relationship. That isn't what I am worried about..It is him i am worried about. I have been searchig for reasons. we used to have such an open and trustworthy reationship, but he has changed a his passwords, erases his history most days on the computer, and barey speaks to me unless it is to insult me or complain about how I don't clean the house enough.He was not always like this, he was loving and caring, but now I barely ever see this kindness. Could he be seeing someone else, or fallen out of love with me? is it safe to say he is trying to push me out of his life? Whenever he does not erase his history I see tons of views on a woman he works with facebook...Am I being paranoid? What can i do or say to initiate contct in a ositive way that doesn't end up in him screaming at me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): I have to agree with the answers given after the follow up OP.
You don't seem to be willing to accept the reality here, he's not going to give you what you want in the way you are trying to get it. I think you know exactly what's going on and from your follow up I think you understand that constantly trying to get him to talk about this is not working and won't work.
How many times does he have to call you names, tell you to piss off and deflect this back on you before you're going to say "right, screw this, if you won't discuss then I have to show you it's not acceptable and I have to show you there are consequences to treating me this way."
You want the truth OP? If I were him doing what he's doing, I'd do nothing either. Why would I? There's nothing in it for me to talk to you about these things. You're allowing me walk all over you and you're allowing me to carry on messing around with someone else and what's the worst thing that will happen? You'll just try to talk to me again. But all I have to do is tell you you're crazy, you shouldn't be snooping and why can't you trust me and you'll just feel bad and let it go. You're not going anywhere, you're not going to do anything about it and I don't have to be afraid of losing you because you're more scared of that than I am (I'm already building a relationship with someone else after all) and I know you love me so much and are too weak to do it anyway.
You see if I were him I'd know I have all the power in the relationship, I know that I can do whatever the hell I want and you'll do nothing about it. So I can just sit back, play computer games, go out with my buddies, talk to my bit on the side and tell her how you're always on my back, making my life difficult etc. and the best thing about it all for me is that all your friends and family will still think the sun shines out of my arse.
I feel sorry for you in a way OP, because all you're doing here is pushing him into the arms of another you're not actually doing anything to stop it. You're just wilting like a little flower when you need to be as strong as a tree.
I had a girlfriend like you once, she was as weak as a kitten and I ended up treating her like crap because of that. She made it so easy OP because all she did was talk. You see my current girlfriend loves me more than life but she would never accept any kind of maltreatment from me. There would be consequences, she would act and not just cry and moan.
The problem with girls that act the way you do OP is that you just don't get us guys at all. We're like dogs, you have to reward and punish us in the same way. If we do good you give us a treat, if we do bad then you must slap us on the nose and tell us "no!"
You see when a dog owner is not assertive that dog won't do what it's commanded to do, it will piss all over your shoes and shit in your kitchen. It will do whatever the hell it wants and all the owner will is cry and moan. I see it all the time OP with dog owners, the same applies to parents.
If you're not assertive then boyfriends, dogs and kids will walk all over you and make your life miserable. Your failure to assert yourself here has not only lead him to seek another girl but it has thusfar done nothing to stop him.
Enough talk, it's time to act because you can't talk to someone who's not going to listen and all you're doing by constantly trying to "talk" is making this girl seem even sweeter because she sure as hell is not moaning in his ear all the time.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (13 December 2011):
 How many times are you going to try talking to someone, who is not interested in making it work?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I agree with Cerberus. You need backup. Stop pretending everything is perfect to your best friends and your family and start telling them what's happening. At the worst, they'll commiserate with you if it's all been a huge misunderstanding. At best, they'll know what's going on and may even have helpful info for you to use in discussing his changed behavior.
Talk to your close friends, stop hiding this big secret. You will feel so much better and you won't be so isolated and feeling helpless.
I would also agree with Cerberus that you should be making plans to leave, no kidding. This guy called you a 'psycho'? That's ridiculous. Time to get your life back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): hi everyone thanks for your replies.
last night i tried confronting him and he called me "psycho" but then tried to proceed like everything was fine.
today i tried to and he turned the tables around on me, projecting. He has been accusing me of "cheating" for the past months for no justifiable reason, too, randomly. I just don't know how to initiate the convo / how to talk to him without him exploding..
its been tough to say the least.
I am going to try again when he comes home from work later.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It's really unfair, and you don't deserve to be treated unkindly. If you read articles about cheating, the erasing history phone/computer, being aggressive and sensitive, being secretive, mood swings, it all indicates that he's cheating on you on some level. Emotionally or physically. But, we do not know for fact, so for now let's not accuse or make any decisions.
You need to talk to him, have an open, honest talk. You don't deserve to live this way, specially when you haven't done anything wrong. Just be prepare to hear the truth, and I know it's going to be difficult, because being with someone for 3 years is a long time. Whatever the truth is, it's better to know now.... You don't deserve the suffering, pain, heartache, being paranoid, constantly worry about him, trying to figure out what's going on.... It's not fair to live this way, it's cruel and it's exhausting......
Good luck/best wishes
Ps: pls let us know how it goes, and let's us know if we can help you more....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): you need to sit him down and discuss this issue. you need to hear his side, you can't jump to conclusions that he's cheating. discuss the issue like 2 adults.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (12 December 2011):
First off, no one thinks that your relationship is perfect. There are good relationships, even great ones, but no perfect. Anyone that says their relationship is perfect is either delusional or likes to bullshit. Trust me, everyone that has moved beyond their teenage years knows that a perfect anything does not exist. If you have never shared anything negative about your boyfriend to your friends and family because you're embarrassed, this is the time. Why? Because he is treating you like crap. You're right, it definitely sounds like he is cheating and/or no longer in love with you. Sure you may want to work it out, but it sounds like you're the only one that does. If he wanted to work things out he wouldn't be screaming at you if you brought up issues and ignoring you. It sounds like you need to cut your losses and start packing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): Remember the disappointment of what they think is a perfect relationship with a lovely guy not being that would be nothing compared to the disappointment of them finding out you were in pain and too afraid to tell them. You're their priority not the relationship, you owe it to yourself and to them to talk to them about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): He's cheating on you and you can feel it can't you? Deep down you know this. Seriously that horrible dull nauseous feeling you have in the pit of your stomach, that niggling worry that just won't leave you alone. That's your gut telling you what he's up to. Trust your gut OP because that's exactly what's going on.
Now people can come here and say maybe it's not what is happening let's not jump the gun, but come on, 3 years you've known this guy and there is absolutely no logical or justifiable reason why he would suddenly be like this is there? Really like? You have thought long and hard for a simple innocent explanation to this and found nothing, because there is no innocent explanation here at all.
If it was innocent OP then he would be able to explain it wouldn't he? He wouldn't hide behind anger like the little cowardly bitch he is. He wouldn't turn sour and start being emotionally abusive and nasty to you.
You need to talk to your parents and/or close friends OP, you need the support and the guidance of a loved one here because he has one foot out of this relationship and you have to be prepared to what is necessary to make him sit the fuck up and listen to you. He has to know that no matter how much you love him you do have a line and he has crossed it.
You want to make this work OP because you love him, the only way he'll want to is if you stand up to him. He's gotten away with too much here, he's walking all over you and if there are no consequences to him treating you this way then what reason has he to change?
Go talk to your parents, tell your mom everything that is going on. Ask her if you can stay with them over xmas, if that doesn't suit you ask someone else. Then pack your bags and go. Let him know that you've had enough, you love him but you're not willing to live like this and if he won't play his part to fix the relationship then you have to move on. OP the whole idea of you going to parents for a couple of weeks is to give you time and space to think. It's to give him a taste of what life will be like without you and I'm serious when I say this OP, that is the last thing you can use. If actually experiencing life without you for a few weeks isn't enough to make him want to change nothing will.
It's time you actually fought for this relationship OP and this is the only way to do it. Talking hasn't worked, everything you have done so far hasn't worked and what's worse Op is you have been suffering this shit on your own. How are you supposed to make sense of life if you never get the opinions of others? Seriously, you need as many opinions and as much back up from your loved ones as possible OP. Enough of this happy families charade, your life is starting to be slowly ground into the the dirt and the people who love you would be horrified to think that was happening to you and they couldn't do anything to help because you never went to them about it.
Get some back up OP.
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