A
male
age
36-40,
*onfusedguy88
writes:I have been with my current partner for several years now and we have two beautiful children together. We got together quite young and fell with the first after only 6months of being together . We haven't been unhappy but we have drifted apart over the years and it's just getting worse, we both have different goals and want to go different directions on life. I don't think I have been truly happy for a long time now. I often feel regret being in the relationship and feel as if I'm waiting my life away by being here. I can't bare the thought of not seeing my children everyday!!eNow the problem is there is someone else but she is also seeing someone. She started at my place of work about 8months ago and since day one we hit it off. We just got along as if we had known each other for years. We have been very close and many people have asked if we are together or if anything is going on between us two but it never has, though there has always been a lot of sexual tension between us.Recently we went out for a few drinks together which she invited me out for. We had a few drinks but we were only merry. In the bar we were getting extremely flirty and the sexual tension was through the roof! We ended up going back to hers for some food at the end of the night where we ended up on her bed and end up kissing and fondling. We both agreed it was for the best that nothing went any further but without regret on both sides. I'm confused as to what the best option is???
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 you never should cheat.
you've already cheated even if you didn't have intercourse.
if you are that unhappy with your current partner then I like CMMP's ideas...
either break up with her and set her free (and you too)
working out equitable child care and support (both need to be done by BOTH parents) co-parenting a partner in an amicable break up is easier than living with them. I know that's how my first marriage went... two boys ages 3 and 5... a divorce...and we did better as parents then...
or stay and get counseling and work on the relationship together. (it's possible that you really do belong together and have just hit a rut)
or see if she will let you go out and scratch an itch... but if you do that... do not do it with someone who is attached NOR should you get involved with someone you work with.
lots of choices for you to make.
all different from the bad ones you have made so far.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 May 2014):
 No no no...no matter what you say to defend yourself, no hanky-panky unless you've broken up completely with your current girlfriend. You're not doing any favors to anyone, eventually your girlfriend *will* find out, the kids will be involved...it'll get really messy.
Cheating is wrong, no matter what the circumstances. If your current relationship is bad then just leave. You cant have it all, you cant stay with your girlfriend and get naughty with other women just so that you still have access to your children. Imagine if your girlfriend were doing this to you, no matter how broken the relationship is, how would you feel? Wouldn't you feel utterly and completely betrayed? At the end of the day she is the mother of your children and you have a history with her, do not ever ruin things further by cheating on her.
You have two options OP. You give your relationship another shot and make it clear to the other woman that whatever happened was just a big mistake and cannot happen again. In any case, she has a boyfriend herself and is happily cheating on him with you so she too doesn't have any scruples and I don't think that two cheaters together would ever work in the long run.
Or, if you think that you absolutely cant work things out in your current relationship and you've reached a dead-end then split up amicably and make peace with the fact that you will not be able to see your children everyday. You cant have everything and its a difficult decision. But don't ever cheat OP, there's nothing worse than a cheater. Its the coward's way out.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 May 2014):
I totally understand how you feel regarding staying for the kids. I wish there was an easy solution here, but there really isn't.
You could cheat and possibly be happy until your gf finds out. Then you'll break her heart and scorn the mother of your children. NOT a good idea!
You could try relationship counseling. Sometimes people let a perfectly good relationship wither by neglecting it; maybe there's still a chance to keep your family together.
Or, you could talk to your gf about having an open relationship. Maybe you will both be happier that way.
Or you could be unhappy until the kids move out like most people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): You say you and your present mate have drifted apart. What have you done about that? Have you talked about it?
You brought two children into the relationship; yet you didn't consider marriage first. Now your life is heading in another direction, you say. You're cheating without ending the past relationship; which you claim is in its final stages anyway. Sounds like a lot is going on with you; but your partner is totally unaware and excluded. You've already started your search for her replacement; without allowing her any options.
Don't stick around for the sake of the children. It would set a better example to end the relationship; rather than carrying on with someone behind the back of the person you are presently committed to. Waiting for her to discover what's going on by some unfortunate accident; or your sudden decision to just end it, with her replacement waiting patiently in the background. Sounds quite convenient. Sounds like you'll be just fine getting over her; if not for the children.
We get your side of the story. Unfortunately, not hers.
I don't believe one word that you went as far as drinks and making out. Yet no sex?!! You went that far; so you may as well have gone the rest of the way. You've already broken your commitment by just making yourself available to the other woman. By all counts, you've cheated. Even if you didn't have sex; as you claim.
The solution is simple. You end the relationship you're in amiably. You explain how you feel, that you do not feel there is anyway the present relationship is salvageable. Then you legally workout child-support and visitation rights for your children. You make sure they never feel neglected by their dad; or that you are too far away when they need you. You put them first in your life always. No matter where life leads you.
Cheating might be less complicated than telling the truth and ending a relationship. Being honest often will preserve your honor and credibility. It will maintain your right to respect from your children. Even if you have to leave their mother, and she doesn't take it well. She will hate you for leaving her after she stood by you this long; but would have to respect your honesty. If she feels the same as you do, it should workout well. You have to talk. No getting around that.
Drifting apart could mean many things. Often it means you're bored in the bedroom, and in need of some new action. You're tired of your forced domestic situation. Ready to start reliving your carefree single-life, and sowing some wild oats. As you should have, before fathering two children without marrying their mother first.
Children in a relationship are not incidental, or unexpected little mishaps. Parenthood doesn't have to happen unplanned in the 21st century. Creating single-mothers, and "drifting" apart seems all too easy these days for men. You're weary of all that responsibility. Itching to be single and finding new sex-partners. You and I know that is 99.99% of it. I can read between the lines here.
She'll have to drastically readjust both her social-life and her professional-life; to care for two children. While her dating opportunities and romantic-prospects might be a bit hampered, being a young single-mother of two. Dating will be complicated; because you'll be a dick about who she chooses as a mate, and the other men she brings around your kids. That's inevitable. You'll be jealous if she finds someone better than you. That is highly likely. Your reaction to that may not be pleasant.
Just keep in mind, as children get older; they react to what they see and hear. They respond to how you and their mother interact with each-other.
As they get older they are more aware; but have a limited understanding about your relationship with their mother, once it is disconnected. They'll also express how they feel.
Walk on eggshells around them, and prepare for the future. You're dealing with their mother's feeling now; but you'll have to deal with theirs as well. They prefer having you together. That can't always be. So don't be too selfish. They won't always be too young to know what's happening.
At least be honest, fair, and responsible. End the relationship before carrying on with other women. Man-up and get things in order; so both of you can start rebuilding your lives and futures. If nothing else, give those two children a man they can be proud to call their father.
If you have to leave the mother of your children;
leave her with her dignity intact. She should be left strong enough to be a good mother to your kids; so now is the time to allow her to begin the painful process of letting you go. Give her back her freedom; before you find her replacement, or seek yours. There is no easy way out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): Either FIX your current relationship and do NOT see this new person ever again. You may not be as self controlled next time. OR LEAVE your current relationship to persue the new one, which may not last long since she is with someone else. It is NOT FAIR to try to have both without making a decision. Do not cheat on your current partner. At the very least tell her what is going on and sort the matter out together. The cruelest thing in the world to do to someone is cheat on them, you may have no idea how painful it is. There is nothing like it. Have personal integrity and do the RIGHT THING. Don't be afraid of making the wrong choice, be afraid of the pain you WILL inflict if you don't do the right thing by your current partner.
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