A
male
age
51-59,
*damski1968
writes:Help!!I recently found out my girlfriend was pregnant. It was a great shock to us both. We both have children from previous relationships. We talked about the options and both agreed a termination was the best option, although we both considered seriously keeping it. Ultimately, she made the decision. However, she has now dumped me. We were both so in love and had only the week before discussed getting engaged. I have asked why, she says she cannot explain it. I am the only person who knows she is pregnant, I have offered to support her through the termination, but she insists she is going it alone. I have asked if there is a chance we can pick things up once she has got over the termination, but she says she cannot answer that. (which I guess is a fair answer). She has said to keep in touch, which I am doing, but I am so upset at the sudden lack of feelings towards me. I really did not see it coming. I am also now going through the guilt of her terminating the baby.Is her dumping me likely to be a self defense/preservation reaction due to hormone changes and being scared?What should I do for the best?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 It sounds like she wanted you to know and the reaction she got pushed her to make a decision she really doesn't want. It could be she wanted you to be happy as it could be that she is. However if she feels that you really don't want this child she may feel it was best to terminate.
She could be thinking now that you aren't the one because she just knew you would be happy when she told you. Your actions made her think that she was making a big mistake and that if she wasn't going to be with someone who would be committed to having a child with her then what would be the point. She didn't really know you afterall.
This of course is just an opinion but as a woman myself I would certainly reconsider a lifetime committment with a man who didn't seem to want the child I was carrying for him. She could also be dealing with guilt at deciding to terminate. Talk to her about all of this and be sure that she isn't doing it for lack of good reasoning. Let her know you love her and that she has your support in whatever she chooses but that you do hope she considers carrying the child and MARRYING YOU!
When you have done this back off and give her some time to decide what she really wants. Stand by her decision with love and understanding. For now all you can do is be there to give her moral support and let her heart and concience be her guide. May God bless you both and your families to do what is best for all of you.
A
male
reader, adamski1968 +, writes (13 November 2007):
adamski1968 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who responded. I have spoken to my ex girlfriend today, reiterating that I want US to have the baby TOGETHER. She said no. He reasons are that this pregnancy has made her realise that her feelings for me were not as strong as she thought. It was nothing to do with my reaction when she told me. She said she just woke up to the fact that I wasn't the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Whilst things were going ok and we were only TALKING about getting engaged it hadn't dawned on her that I was not the one.
I have still pledged my support whilst she goes through the termination (tomorrow) but she's adamant she will do it alone. We have said we will keep in touch as we may need each other for support in coming weeks/months and as I had a part to play in getting her pregnant I will be there for her.
For the person who suggested we should be more careful, we were. She was taking an injected contraceptive every 12 weeks. This is suppossed to be 99.9% effective!!
These things happen, We will both now have to take some time out to get over it and move on with our lives.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (13 November 2007):
 In your last statement you were honest and admitted that your initial reaction was not what it should have been. However, you said that you told her a couple of days later that you were "prepared to keep the baby". I hope you didnt say it like that. If someone said that to me and I was pregnant it sounds like you dont really want it, and that you'll keep it if you have to.
You need to tell her that you "want to keep the baby", even if that isnt quite what you want. The reason I say that is at least to her it looks as though you actually want this baby, rather than keeping it if you have to. The thing is, it may just grow on you later on. Its a big shock to the system and came out the blue, but you have to fix this now if you want to keep this woman.
Just think about it. Everything was great until she told you about the baby. So her actions HAS to have something to do with the baby and probably your reactions. Besides discussing something as delicate and important as this when you have consumed almost a complete bottle of wine? Not a good move. You may have said something that you dont remember which could be the reason.
Go and speak to this woman. If you love her, tell her how much she means to you and how much this baby means to you. Tell her that you have had ample time to think about it, and if its a part of her, then there is no way that you could contemplate letting her terminate. I bet she doesnt want to terminate and her reaction was just out of despair and disappointment.
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A
female
reader, FlatCat  +, writes (13 November 2007):
Does she really want to terminate the baby? Maybe she wasnt sure what she really wanted to do? The decision to terminate a pregnancy is one of the hardest things to ever do in life. Not only will her body go thru one of the most traumatic things in life, but also her mind. Give her time and space and just let her know you are their for her. She probably needs to be alone with this right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Well, I am a woman. And after reading this, I am only guessing what she felt because I would feel this way. She probably had second thoughts about you such as "do I really want to marry a man who does not want our child?" And the answer was no. She then thought "am I ready to raise a child on my own?" And the answer was no. So then she thought the best thing to do was to terminate the baby which by the way is really sad especially because you were engaged. Why commit the rest of your lives together, but not keep a child you created together? And she also decided that she doesn't want to be with you anymore if your relationship is this weak that you would rather terminate your child than to raise it together. I can't blame her. She also probably does not want to see you anymore because she thinks that this will be a stigma on your relationship, and that she will always be thinking about it if she were to stay with you. Maybe if you two did not want anymore children, you should have been more careful. She may have been expecting a happy, excited reation from you when she told you she was pregnant, not "oh no". That is just my guess, and I may be really off about all of this.
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A
male
reader, adamski1968 +, writes (12 November 2007):
adamski1968 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen she told me she was pregnant, my reaction probably wasn't the best. We had been out for a meal and I had drunk most of the wine. (She knew at this stage she was pregnant so wasn't drinking much). My reaction was "oh no!" I did hug her and we talked about it for about an hour. At this time, both our gut reactions was to terminate, but we said we'd give it a few days to decide. The following day, she said she had decided to terminate. Two days later she said she needed some space. I gave her the space, then we met and she ended our relationship. Befor she did, I told her I had done a lot of thinking, and that I was prepared to keep the baby and apologised for my initial reaction, but she said her decision had been made.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (12 November 2007):
Personally I think she is so riddled with guilt that she cannot even contemplate seeing you in fear of what you may think of her. It may be that perhaps when you were discussing the baby that you may inadvertently said something that made her feel that she HAD to get rid of the baby. She doesnt want to, but is also scared.
I think you really need to be with her. Explain to her that it is okay to keep the baby.
Look at the end of the day, if you love each other as much as you say you do, a baby will only strengthen your love, not pull it apart. You may not want kids, but think of the plus side to it, you have something as special as a baby that you both made TOGETHER!! It was made in love! I know that sounds corny and pathetic but you shouldnt let her go through this alone.
Even if I am dead wrong, she needs your support. I know, I lost a baby many years ago. I had to make the decision to terminate because there was no way the baby would go to term, and it was the hardest decision I have had to make. I wasnt ready to be a mother, but I had no support and it made it even harder.
I understand that you are also going through guilt but can you imagine what she is going through? She is sitting there thinking, I dont want this baby but its a life and I dont want to get rid of it. But its our baby so I really want it! Am I too old to have a kid etc etc........ Some of the things you start thinking are so stupid but you are trying to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing. So she is presently contemplating what to do, and since you are the dad, you should really be her support mechanism whatever she finally decides. Just be honest with yourself about whether or not you want this kid. Dont just say, I've had my kids I dont want anymore becaus I know of people who have had a kid 14 years after their so-called last, and its been the best thing that ever happened to them. It really brought them closer together as a family.
I hope you make the right decision for you and your girlfriend, but please let us know what you decide and how you get on!
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