A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years after an argument. We had been having lots of arguments and it wasn't our first time breaking up. Now, 2 months later, I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life and I desperately want him back. Except, every time I tried to approach e subject, it pushes him away. He says he just wants to focus on his life now. Telling him how much I love him isn't working, so what's the best way to get him back?
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (24 May 2015):
 Idk if this is the case with your guy but he maybe missing you as well but thinks that denying to be with you is his payback for whatever you contributed to the breakup. In other words, he may want to get back but feels that your begging is justifying him, justifying his position in the breakup and he feels validated. Idk if that is the cause of his behavior but I know that men sometimes behave that way if they seem to be "winning" the emotional case.
So like others have said, stop telling him that you love him. I think he knows that. Don't say anything. Be patient, don't date other men and wait. He may realize that attention is done with and may approach you back.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 May 2015):
 I agree with Aunty BimBim. You may have pulled the rope one time too many until it snapped. That's the mistake of many couples with this constant break up / make up dynamics. One of the parties thinks it's a way of loving passionately and fiercely ,which can go on forever ... and the other , in time, simply gets sick and tired of the drama, and reaches a stage in which, regardless of lingering feelings, just understands how it is a dysfunctional dynamics that needs to be discarded.
Ask yourself seriously WHY you want him back. Ego ? Fear of loneliness ? Habit ? ... I mean, yes, you " love " him so much, but I guess you might have realized that " love " alone is not enough to keep together two people who are not compatible , personalitywise or for other reasons. If you had been always arguing lately, !, and this wasn't your first break up ,but one of a series... well that means you weren't so deliriously happy together, and eventually dawned on him that he may be happier alone, or with another partner. Which obviously is true for you too !
I'd munch on this morsel of food for thought for the time being,- rather than blindly tryng to " win " him back at all costs. Probably there's nothing to win, because he is no prize for you, and / or viceversa.
I'd try
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 May 2015):
 Maybe, seeing as it wasn't the first time you broke up, he decided that it was one breakup too many.
Telling him you love him obviously isn't cutting it for him. It certainly wouldn't be enough for me.
If he wants to focus on his life now then you need to respect that and leave him be.
In the meantime you need to focus on your life, give some time to working out why you two were arguing and breaking up all the time, and decide if there is anything within your makeup that needs to change.
Learn from this experience, determine what you need to do to make sure you don't fall into the same sort of relationship in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): I'm sorry to hear this.It isn't easy.I think the best strategy for you is to stop pressuring him. If you do this too much, you will drive him away for good and eliminate any possibility of getting back together.He was hurt by you and he is likely still hurt. And he is afraid of being hurt again. It looks like he is still nursing his hurt. And it may be difficult for him to trust you again. You did break his heart. He may still love you but I think he just needs time to figure it out on his own. Sadly he could have gotten over you and does not want to go back to that place where he felt devastated by you and is pushing you away now. This is also possible.So still be his friend and try to stay in his life but also live your own. Show him you can move on too if need be. I think once he sees that you might be able to move on and are happy, he could start taking steps to come back to you. He will say to himself "Hmmm, she can live without me. She is not pressuring me anymore. Why is she so happy? Maybe I will loser her for good." But he is the one who has to come to this revelation. You cannot beat it out of him. He must be the one who realizes he loves you. Loves you enough to want to come back. You cannot force that out of him. I know sometimes we make mistakes and regret them. But we need to give others time to get over them. It might be that he never gets over it and does move on without you but that is something you must be prepared for under the circumstances.I believe that if he really loves you he would be willing to give your relationship another chance. He knows how you feel.I can tell you from personal experience that when my BF left me (and he did it twice because he was afraid of his feelings for me and was not looking for a commitment at the time) I just went about my life. I did not contact him. I showed him I was happy and doing things socially. I think he expected me to text him or beg him. Which I never did. I accepted his decision. And you know what? He always came back. Both times. Because I was prepared to move on and he did not like this deep down. And we have been together ever since.Just leave him be for now. What is meant to be will be.Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.Take some time to focus on your life as well.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 May 2015):
I know you won't like my answer, but the harder you try to get someone back, the more it usually ruins your chances of every getting back with them.
There's no guarantee that anything will work, but the best thing you can do is move on and leave him alone. It'll help you get over him, and it will give him the chance to miss you.
It's worked for me in the past (one time I decided I didn't want her back and that's when she decided she wanted me back, but it was to late).
Begging and pleasing will only lead to humiliation and resentment.
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