A
female
age
30-35,
*ady in Love
writes:my boyfriend got me loose my virginity, then he promised he would pay the money to get it back. i love him dearly and i'm sure that we are going to get married4 days before now i read a chat between him and an ex in which he said "my love" and "sweetheart" to her. this is not his first time talking sugary with an ex,this is the third time. i deleted my photos and my chats from his phone and applied a silent treatment for 4 days which is very hard to me because i truly love him and see him every day at workyesterday he sent a message saying that i have the right to do what i'm doing and when he'll change and become the person i deserve he will come back to me. ending with": i love you and i will stay in love with you until i die"not being a virgin from where i came from is a big deal and i can be in serous trouble especially with my parents. and now after we broke up i'm in great fear. he did offer me paying for the operation to regain my virginity, even after we broke up. should i agree on letting him pay?did he ever really loved me? should i expose the love relationship with the married woman he's talking to? i appreciate any help you give me, i'm simply too confused to take any desition on my own
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at work, broke up, I love you, married woman, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lady in Love +, writes (21 November 2012):
Lady in Love is verified as being by the original poster of the question dear female reader, he did promise marriage before even holding my hand, that happened at the day when we completed 2 month together and he came and talked with my parents, and thats why later i allowed him to hold hands which dragged us to bed. he proposed paying while we were together so i wouldn't stay with him forever just because i'm no virgin rather cause i love him, and after we broke up because he feels "gaulty and responsible" as he says and wants to make his false right.
and just to make it clear, he did nothing but sugar talk to her, at least that's what i saw with my own eyes.
he thinks that he can change to be the better man i deserve....please tell me bluntly ...can a cheater ever change?
note: he is telling his friends ,which some of them are mine that he is an ass*ole for cheating on me! thats good right?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be really tough to go through a breakup and to know that the person you love is having a relationship with a married woman. There is no doubt that you are in a difficult situation, but please open your eyes, this guy does not love you, if he ever had any feelings for you, he would not have done that to you, he would care about you and about your future, he is from the same country, isn't he? shares the same values and he knows how a big deal virginity is in your society. What makes you think that you both for sure are getting married, did he promise marriage?He took away your virginity, he offered to restorate it back and he offered to pay? why pay, if he really loves you and he will love you until he dies and you are sure you both are getting married, why leave you and start a relationship with a married woman? Does any of this make any sense to you? of course not, that is absolutely nonsense, he used you and he is lying to you, big times. I would say cut off any contact and forget about him, however you know him better and you can tell if he is genuine or not, if you want him to pay just go a head and let him pay but think about the consequences. Hope this helps. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love +, writes (19 November 2012):
Lady in Love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus thanks for the feedback, i will make my best to avoid him, I'm even considering having some time off work. you must know that he told a common friend today that we broke up now but this is better because this way he can focus on settling down and the next time he'll address me as a girlfriend he will be in my house with his parents. i think he did it on purpose so she would tell me,is this a good or bad sign? and can a man be cured from a cheating habit?and :"but accidents can happen again OP" i think lesson is learned! no matter how much deep in love i might be with some one, I'm never gonna let him touch me and risk being as nerveless as i feel now, not even my current boyfriend if we ever got back together!yet, great advice, you got me really thinking thanks.anonymous lady, "it happened"( i didn't do it) because of the blinding love that I'm sure got you doing something stupid in sometime in your life.may i advice you something: next time you answer try to help, be a constructive criticizer not just a criticizer, its really rewarding, yet thanks for taking some time to answer me. Karlos5021 i don't think he's that bad! if he was he wouldn't pay money after we are apart, he would simply go and not even offer it, "he**" i would do that! and in her its not a disgrace for a man to lose his virginity its actually an honor, they say that he a great key(resembling men) is that opens different doors, yet the door(resembling women) that is opened by different keys is a bad door that needs to be destroyed.also i know its partially my fault but I'm not her to discuss what happened I'm her to know what to do next.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): To clarify my point a bit better, I guess its harder to detect that a male has lost his virginity, but as long as you still have a hyman intact, its easy to assume that you are both still virgins and are doing things in accordance with your religion. No risk of disgrace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): Did I get this correct?
He took your virginity for his own satisfaction, he dumped you and now he's blackmailing you to either have an operation to get the hyman put back intact, in a way, making you a virgin again, or he leaves you in a disgraceful position?
If I'm right, then have the operation and tell him to get lost.
He's a disrespectful and manipulating user of women. He doesn't love you, and I doubt he ever loved any of the women he has been with in the past. The ONLY reason he will leave you permanently if you refuse his offer, is because he knows too well what a disgrace it is for you both not be virgins before marriage.
I will be fair though, it IS partly your fault too that you're in this situation now, so I hope you learn a lesson from this because if not, you deserve whatever bad situations you get yourself into in future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): "i want to expose it before he gets in bed with that woman in fear that her husband may hurt him."
With all due respect OP, he's a man and he can protect himself, you don't need to do it for him. Not only that but it may really cause big trouble for you and you may actually put him in more danger. The best you can hope for is that he'll be smart and stop. By exposing him you may just be making it so that everyone thinks they have slept together it will be just as bad. He's gone way beyond what is acceptable even by flirting with her.
Stay out of that, seriously you need to protect yourself first. He must protect himself.
Don't blame yourself for anything OP, you're being very intelligent about this, even though you're very hurt at the moment and your feelings are very strong. You're doing well, just stick to only thinking about things for now and don't do anything until the pain fades a little.
Take some time out of contact with him too OP. You need time to think, you don't need this guy messing with your head with his cute phrases. So ask him to stop for a couple of weeks, tell him if he can't do that for you then it shows he doesn't respect you. You need time alone to think. so take your time alone. Also OP, make an appointment to go see the doctor to discuss your surgery on your own. You don't need him playing the white knight right now, just go and find out your options for replacing your hymen. It's very common to lose it in an accident, but accidents can happen again OP, so it's a good idea to talk to the doctor about the best time to have it done.
I mean technically you only need it for your wedding night, if that's not going to happen for another 5-6 years etc. then is there really a point to having it replaced now? It may just break again.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love +, writes (19 November 2012):
Lady in Love is verified as being by the original poster of the question Cerberus i can't thank you enough for your time.
but you need to know that i lost it by accedent, and as i was cying he held me tight and said don't worry theirs an opparation for the matter,even though i trust that he is not that kind of men, but yet again i trusted him once and he ended up flirting with an ex.
i admit that exposing the relationship is to get my revenge but also i want to expose it before he gets in bed with that woman in fear that her husband may hurt him.
your right i need to some time to think it over, and fortunately i have it cause he's too busy at work now.
by the way: when he told me that he wants us to go to the doctor as soon as he comes back from the working trip, i said thanks for not leaving me alone, he said he couldn't imagine me being in a trouble and he not being their.
i fear that with another couple of phrases like those he could win me back because i really love him and secretly blame my self for it all.
i don't want to get back and get hurt again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): bebe...if it was such a big deal for you....you shouldn't have dont it at the first place....its as simple
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): Don't make any decisions right now OP. These are some major life changing decisions so take your time. Give it a couple of weeks for your head to clear and make your decisions then.
Should he pay for the surgery? Not if you want him out of your life OP. You don't want him to have to pay that or you'll be in his debt. if you take him back then you may not need it. But if you're going to go alone then pay for it yourself otherwise he'll always be able to say you had it restored and maybe even have the receipts or credit card bill to prove it. No man should have that power over you where you're from. If he tries to shame you, you can call him a liar and no one ever need know you're not a virgin.
"should i expose the love relationship with the married woman he's talking to?"
No, not only is it not good to do things like this out of spite, but he has the virginity thing he can use against you. It would not be a good idea to mess with a guy with that kind of power over your life. Keep him sweet if you break up, stay nice and stay out of his business, give him no reason to be nasty or he could become very nasty.
"did he ever really loved me?"
Maybe, but I'm not sure. If he loved you he never would have been flirting with this other woman. He also would have respected you enough to protect your virginity and not sneakily convince you to give it to him with the promise of surgery, That was sneaky. You should just stuck to anal sex which I know is common amongst Moroccans and other Muslims/Arab Christians as a means to protect virginity.
Give yourself some time OP and figure things out. Don't be nasty or do anything foolish. Tell him you need some time to think and to give you a couple of weeks to do so.
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