| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi all. I am in a seriously confusing situation, and I need all the help I can get. I have been in a relationship with Bill* for almost 3 years, and its always been unstable, we fight almost every day, and never agree on anything. We've broken up about a thousand times before only to end up back together again after two or three days. He never talks about getting married or OUR future, or nothing. I know in my heart I'm not going to be happy if I stay with this guy, but I'm too scared to leave him. I don't know what to do. I'm not what you'd call the perfect woman either. I can be very stubborn and demanding and even rebellious at times. I've tried talking to him about how I feel, but he just gets angry and storms out the house.After several attempts, I decided to just carry on like nothing's wrong, but then something completely unexpected happened. I started having an affair with Bill's cousin, Paul*. We see Paul and his girlfriend of 4 years, Alice* quite often, because we basically do everything together, we spend almost every weekend with them or vice versa. And one night while Bill was out of town, I went to our local pub to meet up with some friends of mine, when I got there Paul was there, without Alice, and we started talking and ended up having a great time together, laughing and joking about everything. He invited me over for coffee, and because he is basically like a brother to Bill, I didnt think it would matter if I went, I didn't plan for anything to happen, but when we got to his house, he made coffee, and we continued to talk about all kinds of stuff, and then he kissed me. It was completely unexpected, but at the same time I enjoyed it, and I didn't tell him to stop. I ended up staying the night, but we didn't sleep together, we just lay there and talked and kissed till the sun came up. The next day, I felt extremely guilty, but didn't say anything to Bill. I tried telling myself that it was a mistake and I should just forget about it, nothing really happened. But the Monday at work, Paul phoned me, and asked me how I was doing, I said I was fine, but felt a little guilty over what happened, he told me to stop worrying and forget about it, and that he was sorry for taking advantage of the situation. We then decided to never let it happen again. But just the next Friday it did happen again, and this time, we ended up having sex, and it was great. I have never felt like this in my entire life, and although I felt extremely guilty towards Bill, I couldn't stop seeing Paul, and spending time with him, we phoned each other every single day , and saw each other every weekend. After a while we became pretty close, and we are still very close, but this is where the confusion sets in. The last time I was with him, was this weekend, and we almost got caught. We both got spooked,and agreed, that we shouldn't see each other any more. But then he asked me if we could still talk to each other over the phone. And I asked him why, and then he said because I have very strong feelings for you, and I enjoy hearing your voice every day. The problem is I feel exactly the same about him, but I don't want to hurt Bill or Alice, and when I said that to Paul, he said he feels the same. He won't be able to forgive himself if he hurt someone. Please Help. I'm in love with this guy and it's crushing to think that I might never have the chance to be with him.
View related questions:
affair, at work, cousin, crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Green_Eyez +, writes (4 October 2005):
First of all I think you need to address your situation with Bill. You two are obviously going nowhere and whatever happens with Paul, I think you should just break it off with Bill.
Once you have addressed that issue, you need to have a serious discussion with Paul about his intentions towards both yourself and Alice. You need to make it absolutely plain to him that you are not content to be his 'bit on the side'. He needs to make a decision to either break it off with Alice or yourself. Set him a deadline and hold him to it. If he falters or starts making excuses he is not the man you think he is, he is not committed to you and you should leave him to it and move on with your life.
If he does decide to break it off with her, it is inevitable that Alice is going to be very hurt and unfortunatly there is no getting around that fact. However, it is better for her to be hurt now than to be cheated on and messed around. It will also be better for you to be his 'real' girlfriend, rather than someone hiding in the shadows.
Good Luck
x
A
reader, pops +, writes (4 October 2005):
What tangled webs we weave, when first we plan to deceive.... Why don't you and Paul suggest to Paul and Alice that they get together? Then all four of you can be happy. You say you don't have the courage to leave Bill, but then your are running around with Paul on the side? When you are in a hole, stop digging. Get out and get on with your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): I think both you and Paul have to break it off with your respected partners so you two can be together. But first, stop seeing each other right now until you both sort things out with your partners. Bill is obviously not right for you. It's always a bit scary to break it off with someone, but you'll feel much better for it afterwards. I don't think Bill will be that hurt, since you guys have been off and on so many times. Paul's girlfriend will get hurt, but she'll eventually get over it too and move on.
It's not healthy to continue on having a secret relationship. Just get it out in the open once and for all so all four of you can get on with the rest of your lives from a clean slate. Yes, there will be accusations, guilt, anger and resentment over the affair, but it has to be done. I've gone through the whole agonizing process of admitting an affair and breaking up, but you have to do it.
Take courage, and you and Paul can console each other after being run over the coals by your soon-to-be exes. NOthing worth having in life ever came easy.
...............................
|
