A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a half years we have lived together for 3 years. I am 24, he is 32. We have a good relationship and have had our ups and downs like any relationship. Our sex life is not what is used to be but I have put that down to recent stresses and that we have been together for a long time. The problem is he is not sure if he wants to get married every marriage he has ever known has broken down. His sister got married at 45 so he says he has plenty of time. I am upset that we has said he doesn't know if he wants to, he sees it as just a piece of paper and says our mortgage is a bigger commitment and should be enough. I just really want to marry him, I can't imagine not being with him. Do I just leave it? Do I try to convince him to marry me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): honestly if feel like if he's not sure after 6 years then he might be in this for the wrong reasons. i was with this girl for 1.5 years and i knew if i wanted to marry her or not.
do keep in mind that your young and if you wait too long he's making you waste your age and beauty meaning once you get old then it will be hard to find someone to marry. so if i were you, i would truly talk to him and see if he's in it for real or just using you for sex or whatever.
good luck
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Forcing this issue is a sure fire way to have it blow up in your face. I'm really sorry to say it, but I've learned that one from experience.
I'm sure you've told him you want to marry him, but I'm curious how you've approached it. Did you ask something like, "Why aren't we married yet? Are you ever going to marry me?" If so, that's definitely not the right approach for a guy like him. That will just make him dig in.
I would suggest telling him WHY you think you two should get married. How you can't imagine not being with him, and how much it would mean to you that he CONSIDER it. That the mortgage is a big commitment, but the sentiment of a shared love is what you're looking for.
If you want to stay with him, it would probably be best to leave it mostly alone, but that doesn't mean you should cast your feelings aside as worthless. Your feelings matter because if they are ignored long enough you'll find yourself very miserable. Finding that happy balance will be key. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AskPru +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Hello my dear, thanks for your letter.
You are not alone in wanting to marry a guy who doesn't want to get married for whatever reason. While he may perceive his reasons as being valid and justified, the fact is that the person he has chosen to be with, you, would like to get married. You are hardly rushing into it after 6 years together. We all know folk who have broken marriages, but your man is wrong to compare himself to others, as you two are a unique couple. The reality is that in today's society a man no longer has to marry a women to enjoy all the benefits that come from being in a loving relationship. So many women find themselves wanting to get married, but confronted by their guy saying 'why' ... 'we have a house together, we don't need a piece of paper etc.' Of course, you can argue that marriage gives a woman legal protection should the relationship end, especially if there are children, but that means having a very unromantic conversation. You will have to be brave, however, to tackle this situation and make your man understand that marriage is very important to you and would fulfil you and complete your happiness. While he may never fully understand your womanly need, you must try to make him realise how important it is to you - and by making this commitment to you, you will be able to love him even more than you do now. I would not advise you to ignore this issue or you must ask yourself if you will be able to comply with his decision in 10 years time or if children come along? Be brave and be strong, but importantly be loving when you tell him your feelings - they are as valid as his. Good luck! Pru x
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (21 February 2011):
In my experience you cannot change someone's mind in this issue if they are set on it. I had an ex rather like this. We both wanted different things out of life and eventually split. To him marriage was just a piece of paper as well, however, I wanted that piece of paper! That is not to say one of us was wrong and one was right, but we just had different views which ultimately were not compatible. I tried to see things from his perspective but it didn't work for me. I wanted the stability and commitment, and no matter how much I tried to pretend I didn't, it was just pushing the issue away for another day.I take it you didn't discuss marriage when you got the mortgage then, assuming it's a joint one? He is right when he says that is a big commitment for sure. But, it's not the same as marriage. Honestly OP, I think that you will find it very hard to convince him to marry you without driving him away in the process. You have to work out what is most important to you. There are presumably other big issues as well which usually go hand in hand with this sort of question, such as children. Do you want kids? Does he? You need to make sure you are reading from the same page on these things, to coin a phrase. What do you want? Once you have some answers you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Don't just float along with the status quo in the hope that things will change. They may well not, and you won't get this time back again. You are only 24 and have your whole future ahead of you.I would also add that if you have been living together long term with no plans to marry he might well just not want to bother. What is going to change for him if he marries you? I'm sure you can see what I mean. Six years is a long time, however, and I think you do need to start seriously addressing the question and not let things drag on.Good luck!
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