A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my husband very much. We have been married for 4 years, and have lived and been together for 8 years. He had a extremely different upbringing than I did. He is still a great guy, but here lately I feel as if I have no experience in life that remotely compares to his that I could comfort him with if he ever needed it. My parents have not been divorced….In fact nobody in my entire family has been divorced. Not even any close calls. My husband on the other hand has 15 divorces within his immediate family shared by just seven people. I grew up in one home my entire life. In fact my parents still live there today. He has lived in 8 homes. I asked him one day what was the longest he’s lived in one home, and he told me it was the one that we shared… I could not fathom living with the aptitude of change he has had in his life that he has experienced. But I know that’s why God chose him to go through it, and not me, because he knew he could handle it. I don’t look at divorce as a bad thing, I’ve just never been exposed to it. Here recently there has been a new marriage in the family, and of course, it was a result of a previous divorce. The discussion was the children of the divorce had to decide on their own which parent to choose to live with. Every person in the room, including my husband, all gave their advice to the children, (whom were getting ready to meet their dad in an hour to tell him their decision,) and just explained that it was part of life, and shared their experience how they had all been through it time and time again. Everybody except me.. I just kinda sat in the corner in awe… I felt like I had nothing to offer my husband, because I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. I didn’t even feel like I should have been in the room as a family member. I just felt like an onlooker. He never talks about divorce. Neither does him or his siblings. And of course being subject to many divorces, they’ve been dealt a lot of crappy hands by their own family members. Stuff that I find hurtful, and if they were done to me I wouldn’t even talk to them anymore. But he still loves them, cares for them and would do anything in the world for any of them.. Like nothing ever happened. Even if they continue to hurt and use him over and over again. Sometimes I think he was sent to me just to show me how to forgive people, and not to let insignificant things affect your life. But still it bothers me, and I just want to hug him and tell him how sorry I am for all the crappy things he’s had to go through in his life. Should I talk to him and tell him I don’t feel like I belong? Or leave it be and just think that maybe he is with me because I am different than what he’s used too…….
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 "Or leave it be and just think that maybe he is with me because I am different than what he’s used too"
Yes, the last option. Leave this be. You are not inadequate, or less than him in any way. You don't have the same life experiences as he has, but what is important not to forget is that you do not LACK in life experience. YOU have the experience he needs in a life partner on how to have a peaceful, stable home and family. You are his eyes to that world where he wants to belong, and you have the life experience to guide him there. Then he can guide those who have to walk down the same rough path he once did.
But for now, you are his guide. You're what he needs, you're the one he chose, and you bring something great into his life just by being the one you are, with the life experiences you have.
The same way you learn from him he will learn from you. Think of it as a good thing that you come from different backgrounds, it gives you the ability to learn so much, and always stay dynamic, and develop. It widens your horizon, and will make the two of you stronger. He needs to know what you know just as much as you wish you understood what he knows.
"But I know that’s why God chose him to go through it, and not me, because he knew he could handle it"
When God does things for a reason, he does not leave some people out of the big picture. You were chosen to your upbringing as much as he was chosen to his upbringing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): I think you're being way too sensitive about this OP, divorce is a break up like any other. The only difference is there is a legal attachment that has to be sorted out. OP is this your first relationship? Surely you've gone through break ups right? It's the same thing, all it means in his family is that people got married and broke up, just like any other relationship.
Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel, don't be afraid to tell him how sorry you are for all those things, don't for one second think you're somehow on the outside just because you haven't experienced divorce, you have experienced it through him. You're his life you belong in every aspect of his life, when he's in pain are you not in pain for him too? Of course you are.
OP you don't have to experience bad things to understand bad things, you can empathize with him because you're not ignorant to the way life can be OP, you're not a stranger to struggle either. You may have had a stable upbringing but surely you've experienced pain, surely you've been hurt by people, by situations, by break ups, by being treated badly OP his pain is no different than any of that. Divorce isn't some insanely devastating mystical thing. It's just a break up with an official title, it doesn't matter how many times it happens either you get over it. Life throws us a lot of shit OP surely you've had some of that thrown at you too.
Take it from a guy who has been through two divorces as a child, it's not a big deal, it's a big change but you get over it. Life is how you live it now, not how you were raised because we can't live in the past only take care of the now to ensure a good future.
So tell him, hold him, tell him you wish you could build a time machine and change how he raised but remember one thing OP, he is who he is today only because of what he experienced, so if it's made him a good man and one worthy of your undying love and devotion then something good has come of all that hasn't it?
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