A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’m in a relationship have been for 5 years now but my partner is getting lazier and lazier by the day he goes to work which is a very easy job I get up on a morning get our 2 kids up get them ready for school do breakfast get myself ready and take them to school pick our youngest up from nursery do dinner tidy up go food shopping go back up the school to pick our other child up bring them home make tea go to work come home do packed lunches and sort uniforms out all he does is bath them and put them to bed and when he has holidays from work he stays in bed till the kids have gone to school I am exhausted and he seems to think he’s doing nothing wrong he does not help in any way he doesn’t help financially that’s all me I buy the kids everything I take them where we they want to go and pay for it all I just don’t know what to do I’m so fed up he’s so messy as well I tidy the house up all day then I come home from work and it’s a mess again pots all over the kitchen that haven’t been washed mess all over the carpet all the time any suggestions what to do sorry for the rant just needed to get it off my chest thank you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2018):
 If you both work then you both should be sharing the house chores and also the financial costs. Why on earth are you letting him away with treating the house as a doss house? If he makes a mess he cleans it. If you do all his cooking and cleaning then stop until he starts contributing. He is getting lazier because you are allowing him by picking up after him. It is time to sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him how you feel. Why is he not contributing financially? They are his children as well and he is also living under the same roof so he should be paying bills and helping with the cost off the children.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): So, why is he still around? Is he a good father? He obviously isn't providing for the children; or lifting a finger to help out. When a guy just gives you his presence and nothing else; that's an indication he'd rather not even be there.
You have to send the kids to their grandparents to have the house free to have a sit-down talk. Make up a honey-do list of responsibilities; and explain to him how things need to change. Take turns getting the kids off. Bathing them, and readying them for bed. Make him a participant in the family and the household, not just a boarder. Take turns sleeping-in on weekends. Rest, or drop from totally exhaustion.
One-way or another, you're going to get so fed-up you're going to blow the roof off the house! You'll have a conniption, and that will only make things worse, not better.
You're in the 3-5 year phase of a relationship that doesn't seem to be heading towards marriage. It's usually within that time-frame people decide whether to make the relationship a life-long commitment. For some, the relationship either starts to sour; or it disintegrates into routine and complacency. They are both bored with each other; but afraid of separating out of force of habit.
Nagging here and there, or just pouting and huffing around is an ineffective way of communicating to your partner. You have to have a conversation like grown-ups, and you have to put some backbone behind it. It doesn't have to be an angry exchange. You have to explain to him you're tired and you want his help.
Don't beat around the bush or fear he'll go stomping off. Just get to the point about the fact that he doesn't raise a finger to help you do anything. If he can't contribute to the household, maybe he'd rather pay child-support living somewhere else? Being non-participatory is his way of getting you used to being a single-mother. He's probably planning to hit the road any day. Under the circumstances, the stage is all set; and he could.
If he storms out, have his clothes all packed when he returns. You've got to get serious; or you'll be raising two kids and a man-baby, until you collapse from exhaustion.
People stick together fearing loneliness. They put-up with things and just stew in it; because they imagine the horrors of a breakup. When you have a mate who has become distant and emotionally-disconnected; that has already happened mentally. It's just a matter of time before they physically leave you.
It may not be that serious at this point; but if you don't address it, that's exactly where your relationship is heading. You can do bad all by yourself, girlfriend!
Just having a man in the house is useless; unless that man is being a man. If you have a son, he is likely to turnout just like his dad. A daughter will be just like you; letting a man treat her like a workhorse.
...............................
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (26 November 2018):
 Whew! Have you talked to him about an equal share of responsibilities ? For example, putting together a list where both partners agree on which chores they are responsible for and when these should be done. Sometimes one partner assumes that just because the other doesn’t complain about their day-to-day tasks that everything is just fine and they don’t need to do anything further. My husband admitted that had no idea how tough it was being with a baby all day until I started working. Once he stepped into my shoes, he saw things in a different light and we had to come to terms as to how we would our household equally. You’re stressed and understandingly frustrated. When you feel like you can speak calmly, let your partner know that you need more help. Don’t make accusations or nag. “Honey, I appreciate you bathing the kids etc you’re a good father. I have to let you know though that I’m feeling overwhelmed and I’m exhausted, I don’t feel like myself. Can you help me more with x, y, and z?” Be specific as to what you need from him. Don’t just say “I need more help.” There’s absolutely no shame in asking for more assistance. We women are strong but it’s very difficult to “do it all.”
...............................
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (26 November 2018):
Whew! Have you talked to him about an equal share of responsibilities ? For example, putting together a list where both partners agree on which chores they are responsible for and when these should be done. Sometimes one partner assumes that just because the other doesn’t complain about their day-to-day tasks that everything is just fine and they don’t need to do anything further. My husband admitted that had no idea how tough it was being with a baby all day until I started working. Once he stepped into my shoes, he saw things in a different light and we had to come to terms as to how we would our household equally. You’re stressed and understandingly frustrated. When you feel like you can speak calmly, let your partner know that you need more help. Don’t make accusations or nag. “Honey, I appreciate you bathing the kids etc you’re a good father. I have to let you know though that I’m feeling overwhelmed and I’m exhausted, I don’t feel like myself. Can you help me more with x, y, and z?” Be specific as to what you need from him. Don’t just say “I need more help.” There’s absolutely no shame in asking for more assistance. We women are strong but it’s very difficult to “do it all.”
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 November 2018):
 Why are you with a third child? Tell him to be an adult or move out. He doesn’t help financially or domestically, so make him or leave him. Seriously, OP; what is he teaching your kids? He’s getting worse because you’re allowing it.
“John, it’s been bugging me for _____. Either grow up and pull your weight around the house, contributing to OUR children financially and with parenting, or move out because I’m not going to raise you too.” Stick to it. If you take sh*t, people won’t stop giving you sh*t. You’ll regret it when your kids grow up to be just as lazy as daddy, but it’ll be because you didn’t give him an ultimatum.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2018): Maybe you should show him this message. Hopefully he will realise your side of the story. Moms are super womans
...............................
|
