A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm doing a lot of soul searching, so I'll probably be on here a lot asking questions that to every one else sound like common sense. Please bare with me, I'm a lost person. How to i know the difference between being irrational or having my values defrindged? It seems like a skill everyone else has but me. I try to set boundaries for myself in relationships and when the guy doesn't like them, i feel and appear insecure or crazy. If i am insecure or crazy and just don't realize it, then i want to work on it. But if it's boundaries and i should be leaving the person because they're toxic then i want to work on that. My last partner called me a control freak because i got upset when he kept going to the bar by himself. I've had a guy call me insecure for not wanting his porn use to be so open and vulgar around me. It just seems like I'm always asking too much, but it feels like its what i want from a partner. Somehow i can't keep a relationship but I'm not sure who's to blame. These are just a few examples, but i can name more. What is the difference between healthy boundaries and having needs that are unique to me, verses insecurity and being controlling etc? If i tell a partner something like hanging with exes or locking phones bothers me, and yet they still do so, is it something i should leave them over? At what threshold should i be compromising to still be considered loyal and ltr material?
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (29 November 2018):
 It would seem to me that you just haven't met the right person for you. If they were right then you wouldn't have all these problems. For instance, the guy who was ringing his ex is a definite no no for you, he clearly wasn't committed to you at all. The right person will make you feel happy and secure and one day you will meet him. Just keep on looking and accept the fact that not everybody is going to think the same way as you. If you don't feel happy about what you see then just quietly accept that they're not the one for you and move on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 November 2018):
 I think boundaries are ALWAYS a hard thing, because there are so many variables. We each have a set, but many don't use them.
The two examples you brought up, 1. the ex that liked to go to the bar alone. I would have asked him why. And if his answer was something I could understand (like, his reasoning made sense) - then I probably would compromise and be OK with it. AS long as he would be OK with you doing the same (just another bar/place by yourself).
I can guess that you thought he would hook up with other women if he went there by himself and perhaps you mentioned that? or accused him of wanting to meet new women? If so, yeah, I'd find that a bit controlling. You BOTH have to have SOME time to yourselves and freedom to do things JUST for you. For some, it might be having a beer and watching football at the bar, instead of spending time with his partner. Doesn't mean he is there to look for other women. But it could also BE that he called you controlling because he didn't LIKE that you felt you COULD set boundaries and in that case, maybe that was a hint that he isn't for you?
The second one. The guy who wouldn't keep his porn to himself around you, well I think it's fair enough that you ask him not to. Not because it's "vulgar" but because it's not something you want to be part off - however, that might also be a CLEAR indicator that he isn't for you. Calling someone or his actions vulgar, however, may not be the best way to "negotiate" boundaries. Just saying.
You don't have to look for WHO IS TO BE BLAMED! You have to find your own boundaries and find someone who is a good match. And a good match might very well have some of the same boundaries, maybe not - but he will RESPECT yours.
I think when it comes to setting boundaries with a new partner or existing partner, that you have to consider that not EVERYONE around you think or feel like you do about XYZ (be it porn or bars for instance). There is ALWAYS room for compromises, but that also doesn't mean YOU ALWAYS have to be the one to compromise.
As for hanging out with exes and locked phones, your other two points of content.
I don't think you can be this rigid.
Let's say he has a child with his ex. So HE will without doubt (if he is worth a damned) spend time with his kid and there might be times where the PARENTS (that would be him and his ex) needs to talk over some thing, thus spend time together.
I think that is pretty normal.
Now if there is no kids, or no other real reason to still speak and hang out, he still wants to hang out with one or more exes, then yes, I would take that as an indication that HE is not someone I would want to date long term. Because I don't feel ANYONE need to hang out with exes.
Locked phones.. Well, I think you are off the rocker on that one. No offense. But I don't think a GF/BF has ANY right to go through a partners phone or that a partner's phone should be "available" for snooping or what not. And if you claim it's because you have trust issues that you NEED to go through your partner's phone... then you NEED to work on that BEFORE you date someone. It is NOT a BF/GF's job to let their partner violate their privacy to "try" and create trust. THAT is not how it works. So I, personally, think that is an ISSUE you need to work on. If you think going through his phone will STOP a guy from cheating or whatnot, you are mistaken. If he isn't trustworthy to start with... you are not with the right person. No amount of snooping will help create trust.
I have a lock on my phone NOT to keep my husband out, but in case I lose my phone. I'd be an IDIOT to not have a lock on it. WAY to access to private information of MOST people's phones. and yes my husband KNOWS the password, as he has used my phone when his was on the charger and I have used his.
Dating is a period in which we get to know the other person. See what they are about. What values, morals, ideas, hopes and dreams they have. And it's ALSO the time to figure out IF the other person is a good match.
I think the BEST way to decide if your boundaries are compromise or not is to be able to explain WHY you have them. And to be able to listen to WHY the other person might or might not agree. And... of course that you are willing to do the same that you expect of others.
NO ONE, OP is going to agree with you on everything. So the boundary might end up being a compromise and another might be a deal breaker. THAT is entirely up to you AND your partner.
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