A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Any advice would be really helpful as I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend’s mum hates me and she makes me feel worthless and useless and actually has really upset me. My boyfriend has spoken to her several times in the past 6years and told her she’s out of order but she still continues with her digs and comments (usually now when my boyfriend isn’t in the room) but it hadn’t gone unnoticed by other of his family members who have tried to intervene and change the topic. The first time she met me she told me to my face I was no good for her son and we would never last and she knew a lovely girl far more suitable for him and was very disappointed he ended up with me. She told me I was too young, too girly and she hated my clothes and hair. When my boyfriend invited me to their house when we were first together she used to leave little notes around the house which said things like she hoped he would see sense soon and didn’t want to fall out with him but I wasn’t suitable for him and she didn’t want me in her house. When we moved in together she told me her son hated the house and it was tiny and she had his rooom still ready when we broke up. My boyfriend insists he said nothing of the sort, We’ve been living together 3years now and together for 6years and she still continues. She refers to our house as just mine and insists my boyfriends home is still with her, she puts the guilt on my boyfriend when he to,d her we wanted to move closer to my family and says she’s sick and he’s her only family so now my boyfriend wants us to stay near her in case she needs him. My boyfriend mentioned marriage and she blew her top and said she wouldn’t be coming if he made such a rubbish life decision and how marriage is a waste of money and I’d have too much part of him then and I’d ruin his life and then trap him with a baby. She just really irritates me and she suggested to me if I wanted to get married I could change my name by depoll. She slags my mum off which really annoys me and how I was brought up and says all my family had babies and made nothing of their life and she made a life decision to be single as she doesn’t believe in marriage and she was a successful career woman and I’m basically a failure and no good for her son. I’m mad at myself because after 6 years I finally snapped at her today, she was just on an on and what she said wasn5 even that bad this time but I’m only just getting over an i f3ction and feel rough plus tired due to shift work and she just got on my nerves so I told her to stop her comments and I would fall out with her if she continues. She made light of it and then continued to make digs about my driving and slag off my cheap car. She slags of our house, calls it a box and critisces our decor. I’ve really tried with her, I brought her flowers the first time I met her but she said they are waste of money and gave them away. I’ve brought her Christmas gifts, which she tells to my face she will give to charity shop, we have her for Christmas dinner but she slags off my hostess skills, the coffee isn’t right, there’s not the right beer, not the right wine, I don’t cook my boyfriend did so she thought that was disgraceful even though I do all the washing, cleaning, washing up, food shopping but she says I should be cooking. She slags m3 off to other people including to my own parents. I’m at the end of my tether with her and don’t want to see her but this upsets my boyfriend and now so she’s not on her own she’s com8ng on holiday with us all paid for, I’m dreading it and she’s moaning about it all ready and is just so ungrateful. She doesn’t think the hotel is posh enough, she doesn’t like hotels, it’s too far, she doesn’t like the food, she doesn’t like anything basically. I wish she wasn’t coming I know that sounds bad but she’s just really upset me and I don’t think I survive a holiday with her. Please help!, my boyfriend seems to always be telling her but she just continues. I feel guilty for snapping back but I can’t take her anymore and feel she’s trying to play mind games and put a wedge between me and my boyfriend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018): She sounds like a narcisissit look up narcissist mothers or toxic mothers. People like her never change. Just imagine what she would be like if you and your bf have kids! Insulting your parenting, how you dress them, what you feed them etc. You don't want this kind of toxic person poisoning your kids minds by seeing the way she treats you. Im not sure what I would do as I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of leaving him because of her but I wouldn't want that kind of toxic crap in my life let alone my kids. Good luck to you
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 June 2018):
 Regardless of who you were, my guess is you would never be good enough for her little boy. I doubt there really IS a girl she has in mind for him but, if there is, she is probably a complete door mat and will do exactly as she is told by his mother.
This woman may have a career but she has little else. She has no class, otherwise she would not speak to you the way she does. You have come between this vile woman and the only man who can't get away from her (I doubt there were many candidates eager to marry such a spiteful creature), hence you are the target of all her venom.
There is probably little you can do to stop her appalling behaviour (I am surprised you have put up with it so long and only snapped at the level you did - in your shoes I would have told her in no uncertain terms where to stick her idiotic opinions). Your strength in this situation lies in how you react to her. You are ALLOWING her to get to you. Make a conscious decision RIGHT NOW that you will no longer do that.
Code Warrior has give you some fab responses to use when she attacks you. Practice them in front of the mirror until you are comfortable and confident in using them, then use them while staring her straight in the face. Don't let your voice wobble but don't shout either. Just say them calmly but with conviction, like you were telling her the time or something else equally neutral. Then turn away and carry on with whatever you were doing. She attacks you because you ALLOW it. Don't ALLOW yourself to be her kicking post. Stand up for yourself.
In your shoes I would be cancelling the holiday or telling your boyfriend to go alone with his mother. You should NOT have to tolerate such rudeness ever, let alone on your holiday.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): If you're dating a guy who's mother doesn't like you; consider that to a situation you may never change. You'd best be on your best behavior in her home; and insist she be on her best when she's in yours. If you have not power in your own home; that's the kind of relationship you've allowed on yourself. She insults you in your own home?
Who's fault is that? You've gotta have the man!
You are stuck with a teat-sucking mama's-boy; and competing with his mother is futile. You allow all this crap to happen to you; and he sheepishly tells her "mommy don't!"
He's no man, he's a man-baby, and you won't let go. Well, mommy had him first! She doesn't approve of you.
If your man knows his mother becomes queen-bitch and terrorizes you into the next dimension; but says or does nothing about it. That's his bull-dog and enforcer.
He knows she's always on his side, and you will never come between them. We get this same post-topic from girlfriends and wives, again and again. The only solution is not to marry a guy like that. Date him, only as long as you can stand her!
If your man won't fix it and insist on peace; that's because he doesn't want to. It's to his benefit to have a "back-up woman" who will take him in; when he's kicked-out by his girlfriends. She'll put you in your place, and be a scathing witch; if you hurt her baby! It's how he will always hold authority over you, through her! Upset him, and she'll beat you down!
It's either his mother, or it would be his girl on the side (to include an ex, ex-wife, or an ex-f*ckbuddy); who will be his "ride-or-die," when he's on the outs with his wife, or girlfriend. She's mom! He's her baby-boy! There's no cutting the umbilical-cord; or coming in-between this Oedipus Complex situation.
Stop spending your money on that old hag! Stop kissing-up to her. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't like you. That's that!
Were I in your place, I'd dump the guy. Nobody treats me anyway, but with respect. You want the man so badly you'll be a martyr for him, and live under his mothers heel; then so be it. They come as a set. Stop complaining.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 June 2018):
 OP, here is the thing.
This woman has decided she doesn't like you and NO WILD horses will change her mind. She doesn't CARE if she hurts you (I think she enjoys it very much) but she also understand she can "only" go so far or she might lose her son. Now another truth is that she probably would like ANY girl her son would be dating. Because she sees them as competition.
The whole "spiel" about not believing in marriage, choosing to be single and all that crap - take it with a grain of salt. Seriously... can you see a guy WANTING to live with that harpy? She is lonely and jealous. She had her son "to herself" for so many years she doesn't want to let him go. And she is playing all the tiny fiddles with her son to make him feel bad and cater to her whims - all but to break up with you.
I can NOT believe you are taking her on holiday? That ungrateful dingbat! Seriously!
Since it's already paid for, brace yourself and "kill" her with kindness while on vacation... but when you get home you NEED to sit your BF down and set some boundaries. ENOUGH is ENOUGH.
1. She doesn't come over to visit. If he wants to spend time with her, he can go BY HIMSELF to HER place.
2. You have tried for 6 years to show your worth to HER and her son, and while HE can see it - she have blinders on and don't give a single F - you could be freaking Martha Steward and she would still tell you the meat is dry or you didn't use the right XYZ.
3. You CAN NOT change another person, neither can your BF. SHE is who she is. A total COWTWAT!
4. Explain to your BF that you love him and that you know HE loves his mom but you CAN NOT continue her walked all over you being so venomous, it's TOXIC and SICK. But that you understand SHE is his mom and he probably still wants to spend time with her, and that you encourage this but YOU need a break from her.
Either your BF can understand this and RESPECT your choice or he can not - but you shouldn't have to LIVE like this. Especially if he might be your future husband.
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