A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Try to keep this brief!Male, 44, been single eight years (I don't want children or to be a step parent, which makes it very difficult). Have several female friends, one of whom is 47 and been single eight months and has been away studying for two years but moving back here to live next month, although she has been coming back every six weeks or so. Known each other 10 years.Have always been each other's "go to" person with problems but particularly on her side. When she was away on holiday (related to her studies) and she was feeling lonely she messaged me rather than her boyfriend of a year who didn't treat her brilliantly well (not abusive as such) and she was so unhappy that two months later I got a "please help me" text at 1 am and I talked through stuff with her and she split with him. She was upset with her family on Xmas Day and rang me up. In February she was struggling with things and I spent six hours on the phone with her.She had a few fellow students to her home on new year's eve (her birthday Jan 1) and invited me. At Easter she went to her parents for a meal and invited me (never happened before).Six weeks ago, 1 am (although I was asleep) she sent me a photo message of a bruise all down her leg from bashing herself into a table). Side on, but clearly naked from waist down as I could actually see her pubic hair. I didn't say anything as I felt she'd be mortified and probably hadn't realised just how high the photo was.Last week, sent her a message to see how she was doing, got a reply back at 1 am saying "Yeah, OK. Just basically missing you xxx"She has been known to be a bit forward with guys when she's had a bit too much too drink (which tends to happen when she's lonely) and she did come on to me once some time ago which I gently rebuffed and seemed genuinely mortified she had done so.However, another female friend to whom I mentioned these two messages said they wouldn't send messages like that unless they were interested in a guy and didn't think it was an accident the photo was a touch revealing. She's certainly never sent messages like that before, I put it down to perhaps her being lonely again.Anyway, she was back home this weekend. She's moving house before she finishes her studies and I helped her out, then we went for a drink and a meal and back to hers. She was a bit tiddly but certainly not out of it or pissed - I know the difference! I got up to go and gave her a hug as usual but she held on for ages and it just seemed different, tighter, longer. As I said good night and went to kiss her cheek (normal) she moved so that we kissed on the lips and we did then kiss for a while. She stopped, said how nice it was but that she didn't have the emotional headspace for it for the next couple of months with moving, new job etc.But then as I went go to she ended up kissing me again and then we sat back down where she snuggled up and put my arm around her shoulders. After a while she moved to put her legs over my lap and got me to stroke her legs and the inside of her arms. Bit more kissing. Lots of hand holding and smiling. It was getting late and she was getting sleepy so definitely time to go.As I was going she said "it's all OK, isn't it? you're not suddenly going to dump me?" I replied "of course not, but you don't want to date, you said you don't have the headspace which I totally understand" but she looked a bit disappointed "we've just been intimate and now you say that?" Anyway I said "it's fine, whatever you want is fine" and went.Next night, I get a message saying "that was a top night, thank you for being you! x"Just got me really confused. Should I just assume she was just feeling a bit lonely and wanted a bit of human contact or is she genuinely interested or is she just a bit all over the shop? Part of me just thinks if she hadn't had anything to drink nothing would have happened.Thoughts anyone, especially from other women?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (5 June 2018):
 She sees you as a brother, as somebody she trusts and she feels safe, happy and protected when she's with you. You are probably not the person she thinks she wants. She's looking so far onto the horizon for her 'perfect' man (and possibly realises he doesn't exist) that she has failed to see what's right under her nose. It seems to me that you have slowly 'grown on her' and she is starting to see qualities in you that she is now finding attractive. I would just sit back and let it all happen - if that's what you want, but at the same time don't expect too much because she seems very unsure of herself. Having said all that I think she would be lost without you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): I think she's making a play for you but you need to be sure that you're more than a fall back guy.Everything thats happened before is a lead into you being her one and only.But her mouth opened and she said the opposite so I think she is trying to imply that she is not an easy catch.Neither are you.You may be Mr. Nice guy but you still need to know where you stand.So does she!Maybe you could fix an impartial date like a picnic and see what signs she gives you there.I agree with W.O that a woman knows if she sent you a coochie shot so her words are a little bit flexible.As in she wants to play a little bit hard to get to see if you are prepared to work for it.Its not something you want to rush.If she can keep you chatting for over six hours on the phone then she ought to be able to chat a bit more before bedding you.And are you ready to be bedded and put into husband role?Try getting her to talk it over a whole lot more.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (5 June 2018):
 She doesn't know what she wants but she trust you very much as a friend and somehow she knows you won't push your advantage. I caution you to be careful with your heart because she really is sending out mixed signals and there no way any of us can know what she is thinking. I don't think she has the slightest idea herself. If she's drunk or tipsy around you take everything she says or does with a grain of salt. People are much less inhibited while drinking and don't think things through. I'd say you are definitely a good and loyal friend but I wouldn't count on anything else between you too. Its not fair but it appears she's using you to a degree. Don't let yourself get hurt
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): You didn't ask for one; but you're getting a male's opinion in your best interest.
I think you're her support-system. You raise her self-esteem, lift her spirits, and make her feel attractive when she's in the dumps. I'm not sure she's into you in a romantic-way. As she politely told you; she doesn't have the mental-space for it. Just a wordy way of saying she's not into you that way. You'll do in a pinch. You're an ego-booster. Usually the function of a gay male-friend.
To be on the safe-side; never trust a woman's judgement when she's tipsy. I would strongly ask her: are you absolutely sure this is okay? Do you really want to do this?"...when she displays this unusually amorous behavior. It's odd, because she doesn't seem to come-on to you; unless she has been drinking. You even mentioned she behaves this way with other men; when she's in that state. She trusts you implicitly; and it's best to discourage that behavior.
If she doesn't make passes sober. There's your answer.
Frankly speaking, I think she has a drinking problem. That picture you described is somewhat self-incriminating. How'd she crash into a table? She didn't even realize she sent you a "coochie-shot!" Don't share that with others. Delete it!
I'll say this! Lucky you're not in the United States; no telling what could come of such things!
As a male, always err on the side of caution. People who are intoxicated; even slightly, are not considered in full-control of their judgement and mental-faculties. Her memory could fail her as to how things got started. Unless you carry an alcohol breathalyzer in your pocket; there is no telling to what degree she is inebriated.
You don't have to be falling-down to be drunk. If you get pulled-over by a patrol officer and tested; you might get arrested for two or three drinks. Laws on driving under the influence may be different in the UK. Drunk is drunk no matter where you are in the world. Either a little, or a lot!
The woman you should be asking whether she is romantically interested in you, is that woman. You can't draw any valid or safe conclusions on the speculation of others. Certainly not; if you can't seem to confirm it with her!
If you want to know if she's interested; rather than just being conveniently available when she's tipsy. Ask her!
Better yet, take her word that she doesn't have the head-space for it. Be a gent, and don't let her throw herself at you when she's intoxicated. Tell her she's not herself, see her safely home, and leave!
Please stop dilly-dallying around this situation. Are you romantically-interested in this woman, or not? You're certainly mature enough to suggest your interests, and take it form there; instead of waiting until she's half-witted and intoxicated.
Seriously, sir?!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2018):
 I think... "she just a bit all over the shop" as you call it.
She seems a bit unsure of what she wants but I think she doesn't want to give up the friendship for something casual and who knows if you two would actually be a good fit as a couple...
Give her some time to figure out what she wants and what YOU want. And go from there.
My guess is, that NO nothing would have happened if she hadn't been drinking - but that the drinking is also an excuse to DO what she did and then "dismiss" it as folly later...
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