A
female
age
36-40,
*zrlinz
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2.5 years, and we have had our many ups and downs, but lately I've been questioning my relationship. We live together, have come through many arguments and problems, have lost and regained trust, pretty much anything you can think of, we have been through it. I will stick by him through anything, because I love him, but lately I'm not so sure. He has been working every single day since New Years Eve, so I know work is getting to him. But I try really hard to keep the house clean, have supper ready for him when he gets home from work, always look good for him...but he isn't showing me affection anymore. Hardly. And it's really getting to me...I'm trying to not let it phase me, but it is. It makes me upset, like we are just friends that live together or something, not boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to fight with him about it, because I know he is working so hard. I don't want to cry because I don't want to give him another thing to deal with. I just don't know what to do, and lately I've been thinking about breaking up, or wanting to move home. I'm so lost and don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): It's an authentic threat to a relationship when one partner has little time and energy to care for his relationship because of a demanding job. You must express your concerns to him. Don't make it sound like an ultimatum but tell him that you wish to spend more time together and ask him to help you with the making of a plan to achieve this. If a more permissive job is out of question, maybe you can plan unforgettable weekends to compensate for the busy workdays or figure out a solution also for the working days. I wanted to suggest to try and manage most of the things around the house if you have much more spare time and live little room for other than relaxing together, massages and fondling when he arrives. But you are probably already doing so. It could be that he is so anaesthetized by the hard working hours that he doesn't find the means to dedicate time to you when he arrives home. Maybe he doesn't find the right means, here is where you could help him and help each other.You would feel better if you knew beyond any doubt the little quality time you spend together is not directly related to you and that he finds your relationship is still well worth it. Get him to tell you this for more reassuring. It seems you are very caring as you don't want to upset him but an open talk would be wise and pointing out a weak point in your relationship can lead to improving it. He may realise the situation himself but not know how to bring up the subject, maybe he needs an impetus. Don't close the subject until you have figured a way to deal with this problem and you are satisfied with the conclusions you draw. See if something indeed changes after you have this talk and if you are capable to tolerate the time you are alone with the promise of a romantic getaway at weekends or another plan that he can come with to make it up to you for the time he spends on his job. Maybe he is on the contrary not aware he works so much or how this affects your relationship but hopefully after an honest talk one of the two things can change - either less hours of work or a better adjusted schedule so he can make the most of the time you do get to spend together. Neither change is guaranteed to make you happier so observe yourself and see how you can cope. If you decide to accept that he has a demanding job you may want to take up a hobby to fill the hours alone or a job similar to his in schedule. All the best.
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