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female
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*whurting
writes: my husband of 3 years, living together for 13 years has had an affair since we got married. Now he says that he wants me and loves me but can't get his lover out of his head and don't know what to do. he promises me every week that he won't text her or talk to her but after 7 or 8 days starts thinking about her and text messages her. How can he stop this or will he stop this. What should I do? Give it up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Afraid a man that cheat always cheats, get rid as he will only continue having affairs and find a decent fella that loves you and you only as makes the difference. I know as done it- good luck !
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): Relationships are always two sided. Love brings out different qualities in different people. If he loves you and you love him, then focus on what's good in your relationship. If you feel the relationship can be saved, then DO something. Start by figuring out what he's getting from her that he's not getting from you. Also be frank about what you need from him.
Be specific. Telling him, "I want us to go out every Tuesday night to a surprise restaurant. I'll choose this week. You choose next." is much better than saying, "I need to see more of you."
Personally, I disagree with those who tell you to throw his wedding vows back in his face. I did not sign up for all the anger I have received from my wife because she and our son can't get along, but I'm not going to tell her she vowed to be loving. Instead I'm hanging on, knowing that the teen years will eventually end.
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female
reader, cwhurting +, writes (2 June 2006):
cwhurting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous,I know you are right and I thank you for your prayers. I am changing to make myself a happy person with or without him. You didn't say if you are still with your husband or you have moved on. Did it end for you?cwhurting
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): Matters of the heart hurt most....I understand completely all that you feel and all that you are going through. And just so you know...you are not the only wife who is or who has experienced this. I myself am in a similiar situation as you. I have been married for only 1yr but with my husband for 6yrs. Just like you there was cheating only I never knew it until I was contacted by the woman he cheated with. Always remember that words are merely words if they hold no substance. Meaning....he may say he loves you, and in his own way he may but what kind of love is it that he feels the need to seek out someone else...especially from his past? Not the kind of love you want or need I'm sure. Love and marriage is a lifelong commitment between two people who feel exactly the same way about each other. I would almost guarantee that you have always bought all his excuses no matter how badly they made you feel. You've probably tried talking to him about how you feel and got nowhere that made you feel better. How can he be completely committed to you if he spends so much of his time consumed by her? The fact that he is the one who contacts her, just like my husband did, should indeed be the biggest red flag of them all. Now before you blame yourself or play the "what if" game...try doing what worked for me....stand before a mirror, take a long, good look at yourself and ask yourself these questions....Do I know who I am? Do I know what I want and deserve out of life and love? Do I like what I have become in this marriage? Do I know without doubts that I did and gave all that I could to make this marriage work? Then think about how you feel about yourself and about your situation. His lies and deception have hurt you and if you allow him to continue, he will keep hurting you and no one deserves to go through life especially married feeling nothing but pain and regret. Marriage is forever and forever is a very long time, we can choose to be happy or we can choose to be sad. No matter how hard it may be to open our eyes and look at things clearly we all deserve to be happy in our lifes and especially in our marriages. I personally chose to be happy and when things did not change with my own husband...I changed them for myself and I took the negative, reversed it to positive, and created happiness for myself....happiness that I can share with others. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you find the strength and courage to find your happiness as well.
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female
reader, cwhurting +, writes (1 June 2006):
cwhurting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Irish49,
I am truly understanding what I have to do now. I don't want to be weak anymore even if it means that I loose him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): While I agree with eyewideopen's short, right to the point answer, I have a feeling you will not dump him. You desperately want to save this marriage, but I don't know if you can do that. He has made a 90 day proposition to you, so now, you come back at him with strong reply. Get back your pride and your self-respect. You need to sit him down and calmly, firmly tell him, "I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you but I refuse to sit back and allow myself to share you with another woman." And if he doesn't want to uphold himself as man of integrity and stay true to his wedding vows, then walk away. You have nothing to lose by doing this, hun because where you sit right now...you have nothing, no committment, no respect, no devotion...nothing All you have is a man with extremely low character, who is sucking the life energy out of you! You completely underestimate your important role in this relationship but even worse, so does he. What does that tell you about this man? By staying with him through all this crap, you are paying a heavy price on you, all in the name of 'blind love'. If he says he won't dump the honey on the side, do that then you will know, he's not yours and he never will be. If you just tuck your tail between your legs and not fight back, you will stay and you will become more pathetic, weak and dependent, and all you will have.....is his pity.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (1 June 2006):
 I do wish you all the best of luck, and If I can offer any help at any time dont hesitate to ask. I really hope things work out well for you. You deserve to be happy.
Take care x
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A
female
reader, cwhurting +, writes (1 June 2006):
cwhurting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Wendyg I know you are right and I thank you for your reply. It is just so hard when you love someone so much. I will propose your suggestions to him though. Thank youcwhurting
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (1 June 2006):
Crikey, to think that you are letting this guy get away with cheating on you for all that time, and you are even now being very very reasonable... I apperciate that you love him, but in your heart do you really think that you will feel the same way about him again ? Trust has totally gone out the window, and thats going to take alot to get back. You will always be thinking about this other woman, what she was like, what the attraction was. You will also be wondering if you need to live up to something to keep him from straying again. This alone will put immense strain on the relationship. Doesnt matter what he says or does now, the fact remains he cheated for all that time, lied to you, didnt give you a second though and to top it off expects you to give him time to work out things with you for 90 days and then what ? if he decides oh i miss the other woman, what then!? Are you supposed to be pleased that hes promised not to have anything to do with her for 90 days ? I cannot believe the gall of the man, if the cheating wasnt bad enough hes saying things like this. If you are considering forgiving him and seeing how things go, he has to do it on your terms not his! He has to never see her or hear from her again. I do understand that you love him, but hes not the one in a position to be calling all the shots here hun. He does it your way, or not at all. Its really not fair for him to be putting such a proposition to you. In any case, how can you be sure that hes not going to be texting her, ringing her indeed seeing her in this time, you have no guarantees, surely you must be able to see that hun, if he can lie to you for 3 years, 90 days is a doodle! You gotta be strong here, and realise that your not a push over, and dont allow him to treat you as such, its your life too, you gotta back a decision what best for you, and how you can see things panning out. Your future is in your hands not his.
Take care and I wish you the very best of luck.
X x
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 June 2006):
 90 days? What a jerk! Dump his sorry ass.
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female
reader, cwhurting +, writes (1 June 2006):
cwhurting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI only knew of the affair since March 6, 2006, but had gut feeling something was going on. Last night my husband made a proposition to me that he promised that he would not have anything to do with the OW for 90 days. He would give all his time to me and we would work on our relationship as he loves me and feels that 13 years together is a lot more than 3 years with her. He said he should know in this time if she was just a fasination, not really love. He is even talking about buying a house. Should I take his proposition or just give it up.
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female
reader, cwhurting +, writes (1 June 2006):
cwhurting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your advise. I guess it is really what I could not face myself. Love really hurts. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): You can't 'make' him give her up and it's likely he won't, either. Why should he? You've allowed this behaviour to go on, far too long and he hasn't had to bear the consequences of his actions. One thought that occurred to me when I read your letter is that for the past 3 years of marriage to this man, he has made false promises, essentially lies, and where has it gotten you? I mean how many more years are you going to tolerate his malicious, damaging behaviours? Most women would've 'kicked his sorry ass to the curb..we would never put up with such disrespect. So why are you allowing this? It's time to take for you off the emotional blinders here and start using your common sense and your brain, dear. I am sorry he is doing this to you but this is what happens when relationship boundries aren't put in place with a self-centered, boorish man like this. My guess from your description is that he is lazy, as well as rude, selfish and self-centered. So, what are you doing giving your physical and emotional self to someone with such glaring shortcomings and lousy personality traits. I think you need to believe you deserve better or do you believe that? I hope so.
I think you should cut your losses while you can. and ditch this no good, husband. In the future, stop relying on your only your 'feelings' to determine a loving life partner. Use your smarts! Assess, scrutinize and watch behaviours and discern a 'bad' guy from a 'good' guy. I think before you ditch this guy, that you owe up to your responsibility for the problems in your marriage and work on changing yourself. You need to learn that no one has the right to 'tear you down' and take your spirit. Build up your self-esteem and get healthy again so this will never, ever happen to you in the future. If you don’t want to change your mindset and attitudes about yourself, it would be futile after ending your marriage to get involved in another relationship because you will just repeat your self-defeating behaviours in much the same way. Learn to find your pride, your self-respect and with that comes a inner self-esteem and strength like no other. You will love yourself and I would also recommend you get into counseling to understand 'why' you put up with your husband's crap, for so long. Learn, progress, heal and recover. And get on with life. Good luck, dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): I agree totally with smeedle's harsh yet accurate reply.
If he showed some kind of commitment, dedication to you, and remorse for his utter betrayal to you then I possibly, it could be fixable.
But from your question it doesn't sound like there is any thing you can do other than damage limitation, get out quick, and get all you can from him.
I promise you, as everyone else on here will agree, that there will come a time when you are OVER this and those horrible, nasty thoughts that plague your mind will no longer hurt you. You'll feel strength knowing it is in your past and you'll be single to one day meet someone who will never treat you like this guy has done. Good luck with whatever you decide to do ok? :(
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (31 May 2006):
 I also think you should leave him. If he loves you like he says he does and wants to make it work than losing you will hurt him more than anything. Thats when you will see the real change. If you keep doing the same things you will keep getting the same results. Let him know that you are not to be manipulated and played with. When you leave him and he doesn't want to come back consider yourself lucky. My heart goes out to you but be strong there is a silver lining everywhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): I am so sorry and sympathize with your situaion very much. 13 years is a very long time to be with someone so I dont think what i'm going to say is what you will want to hear.
I think that anyone who cheats on someone in a relationship is proving that they neither respect or really, truely love the other person as their feelings for the other person should always shine through no matter what the circumstances. Trust has left your relationship and you will always be worrying about it.
I would say dont just end this right away. You are the person who deserves better, not him. Take time and in your mind, examine yourself and what makes you so special that he would miss. Build your self confidence up and end this relationship on your terms. I would probably suggest trying to join a social circle of single women and gradually distance him from you. The singles will give you a mindset that their is more in life for you and be there for you.
Think how you will feel if he eventually leaves you for this other person. He will be happy, you will be miserable because he is happy without you. Take control of your life. There will be hard and painful times ahead, guarenteed, but remember what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (31 May 2006):
 You cannot stop this and quite frankly you should not waste your time trying, he is not worth it.
He may still be seeing her and even if he is not you can be sure he is thinking of it, even texting her when he knows it upsets you is a betrayal.
Im sorry but your marriage is over and you need to kick him out and make sure you get a good divorce lawyer.
Take him to the cleaners and let his other woman collect the bill.
Life is about choices and he has made his now you be strong and make yours, let him know he now has to pay the consequence for his low life actions.
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