A
male
age
41-50,
*atient_husband
writes:Hi,I have been married since March '07 (nearly 18 months ago), I love my wife to pieces but am extremely stuck on this. She was a virgin when we started going out, but the problem is she is still a virgin now. We've been together since '03, and things were pretty good, made out regularly etc, and have done other things, oral etc, but no sex, not even on our wedding day, not even on our honeymoon in Fiji!since then, it seems she's just not interested, we very rarely make out, and she never initiates it. I think I need to do more to help out around the house etc. but its not like im a pig, I do things like get flowers delivered to her work for no reason etc.It's getting to the stage where I think it's past "being kind and romantic".What do I do???
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male
reader, PD  +, writes (15 June 2009):
Is your wife a Christian? If yes, see if 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 helps: "let each man have his own wife and each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband. The wife does not exercise authority over her own body, but her husband does; likewise, also, the husband does not exercise authority over his own body, but his wife does. Do not be depriving each other of it, except by mutual consent for an appointed time, that YOU may devote time to prayer and may come together again, that Satan may not keep tempting YOU for YOUR lack of self-regulation." God approves sexual acts within marriage. It's not a sin. May God bless your marriage and may you consummate with your wife soon.
A
male
reader, ktbookings  +, writes (23 January 2009):
I'm working on a project where I would like to hear stories from some married virgins. Please contact me by email here at DearCupid if you are willing to share or perhaps know other sources please let me know.
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A
female
reader, Milana +, writes (17 August 2008):
Have her try her fingers or a vibrator instead of something so intimidating that she has to insert. Let her do this on her own so she can relax and explore. Don't know about her upbringing, but I can't imagine someone never pleasuring themselves. Take a shower or bath together then head to the bed, turn off the lights whatever to make her feel more comfortable and just explore each other. You really just need to ask her why she doesn't want to. There may be an underlying issue that you're unaware of or she may just not have the urge.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): You should speak to your wife about this terrible situation-- there is no sense in a wife keeping herself from her husband AFTER marriage. In fact, it's cruel.
Hopefully, she will come to terms with her wifely duties and fulfill your needs.
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A
female
reader, shamrocks  +, writes (12 August 2008):
A marriage is not a marriage until it has been consumated. She obviously have issues with sex or fear thereof. I know being married has different angles to it and one of them being able to enjoy each other sexually.
hope things work out!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): awww im so sorry! this made me want to cry. you really should talk to her about it. tell her how you really feel. tell her what you told us. marriage is about love giving. maybe she is scared?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Oh sweetie...I'm soo sorry that you are going through this Extreamly rough time. I noticed that you said that you were ready and willing to go get professional help, but said that she wasn't sure. I promise that I am not being judgmental, but your wife isn't holding up her part of the bargain. I don't know what relegion you and your wife are, but I am a Christian (Baptist Denomination) and I know in the depths of my heart that you are not to deny your partner for a extended period of time.
If your wife isn't willing to get help, then she isn't williing to fix the problem, and honor you. I know that your are not some perverted sex freak, but making love is a vital part of all marriages. Please know that I will pray for you Sweetie. Please contact me if you just want to talk.
-The Gabber Jack
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Go and see a sex counsellor and see why she is holding back from penetration. Her problem could be more deep rooted than you think.
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A
female
reader, desperate_angel +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Hi, you should be very proud of that. Imagine she's virgin. Be patient my friend, maybe she's still not ready to engage in an intimate way or maybe she still not ready to have a baby. If you really love and respect her...just wait and be patient anyway she's your wife already and you love each other deeply. When the time comes you'll see how exciting it is as if you won the lottery!congratulations!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 First of all, without sex (consummation, penis vagina penetration) you are not really considered marriage by some religious cultures and even some laws (depending on the territory you live in). So that is something you need to consider. I know you love her, however, love alone is not going to be enough.
She sounds either asexual (a sexual orientation that is devoid of sexual desire) or I would guess that she may have been sexually abused and is unable to deal with it.
She needs to see a sex therapist, and if she is unwilling, consider a non-monogamous form of marriage if you want to continue this relationship.
You cleaning the house more has NOTHING to do with her inability to be a sexual being.
-Frank B Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (6 August 2008):
This is a serious problem and BOTH of you need some help. The two of you will not be able to solve this on your own.
Neither your talking to her, nor asserting your husbandly rights is going to be useful. In fact it will probably only aggravate the situation at this time. The sex toys are, in my opinion, a poor idea. The problem is perhaps inside her, or between you two, and not at all related to the mechanics of stimulation.
I would start with her primary physician, but a clergyman (who performed your wedding?) or a family counselor could be equally useful as a starting point. Did you do any counseling, or attend couples' classes, before you were married? Whoever did that with you is another place to ask for help. Here in the U.S. many large employers participate in "Employee Assistance Networks" that can help you find a good person to start with.
I doubt that you will have a real solution until a medical doctor, a psychologist, a trained counselor, and perhaps a sex therapist are all involved and working TOGETHER with you.
If you are embarrassed to discuss this with a professional, print out this page, exactly as you wrote it, and hand it to the person. Or, send it ahead of your appointment.
I am quite sad and concerned for you two. Please try to find somebody who can help.
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A
male
reader, a_decent_1  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Look buddy.... That's NOT NORMAL... I am sorry to say but it seems as if she has a disorder. Or, she might just be a homosexual. It's actually quite weird that you're married her for so long and not had sex. That's next to impossible actually...
Women are actually dying to feel it. So, there's something seriously wrong here. Please work it out with her or let her know that you're planning a second marriage.. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): How old is your wife, she sounds very young. Sorry but she is a very silly woman. What the hell did she think marriage was about anyway. You can't get married if your frightened to have sex. That's just plain wrong.
Sorry babes, but it's time to do the hard talk now. Unfortunately, you can't force things sexually, this will make her tighten up even more. Your her husband, she promised to worship and adore your body. Dose she have girlfriends, sister, a mother, is there some female friend that she can talk to. Maybe the priest that married you could help out, they can remind her what she promised you upon marriage, and sex was one of those things.
You need to tell her that marriage is a two way process and if she has problems, she needs to grow up and sort them out. Book in for marriage counselling, get her to see a doctor and sort her sexual fears out. Encourage her to talk to other women. Buy ton's of sexy advice books that explain what sex is all about. The "Joy of Sex" by Alex Comfort is a classic text book about finding sexual joy in marriage. The Karma Sutra is another classic which teaches you how to seduce somebody very slowly. The Art of Everyday Ecstasy by Margot Anand talks about how to turn love making into an art by creating rituals and habits to make women relax. Buy some books, and buy some light gentle mainstream porn and demand that she join you and learn what turns her on, or what turns her off. You could also set up a diary, with tons of different things that she has to do sexually every week. She needs to show some commitment to you, she needs to do something pratical to help you save your marriage.
She needs to grow up. I would suggest you remind her that non-consumation is grounds for divorce. Set her a firm date by which you expect her to help out and get your sexual life started. Remind her that if she wants children she needs to have sex. "I don't know" is a child's answer, she's a married woman now. If she dosen't know why, then she bloody needs to find out.
If she keeps refusing, if she dosen't wish to save her marriage, then the only solution is divorce. You can't tie yourself to a woman who refuses sex, you will begin to hate and resent her in the end.
PS: I would suggest setting up some sexual rituals, bath time together, massages, slow touches and kisses and build up the passion and decrease the fear this way.
Mr anonymous suggests grabbing passion and running with it, firing her up and hoping she'll fly your way.
I suggest you show her your question and these posts, so she knows how much she has to loose, and how far your willing to go before you finally walk off. Her behaviour is abnormal, but she has to wake up and be willing to change, you can't do all the work, she has to try too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): be gentle- something is going on inside her head-
this long without sex- must be driving both of you crazy- maybe she is freezing up- sometimes women lock up during sex- it could be past shit-
maybe its something very serious she cant talk about- but if its that bad then just find a way to get past it and live a normal life- shes feels that if she does anything or says anything it will open up a can of worms and she will lose you, be gentle but also firm in your resolve- be her man show you love her and be passionate.
if she looks to deeply into things like what someone said in another post like not having inercourse on honey moon then she might be just too damn sensitive- but maybe for her own good reasons.
i'm sure something will work out- you care enough to post on here, big bless and love.
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A
male
reader, patient_husband +, writes (6 August 2008):
patient_husband is verified as being by the original poster of the question yeah we've "tried" a few times,
I've not had a virgin before, so Im not sure about all of this..
but we bought her a nice slim vibrator to play with.. but rarely uses it, when we've used it, its a very "stressful" time, she clenches up (not being a woman i wouldn't know.. but surely thats gotta make things worse)
thought id try something different too.. we got a "Clone a willy" kit.. (to make a vibrator that replicates your own member).. which i thought would have been fun and sexy... but she wont try that either.. I think nervousness/fear is playing a part, but if I were in her shoes, i'd be doing everything I could to fix things... but that just isn't happening.
Thanks so far guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): That's not right, that's not right at all... You should have had sex in the first week of marriage. If you haven't had sex, your not properly married at all. Either one of you could get an annulement for none consumation of marriage. You need to have sex, otherwise your not really legally wed. Time for the talk talk thing. Try to hold her on your lap, but your arms around her and try to be a friend. She knows things are wrong, she must do. But you need to find out what is going on in her head.
What went wrong on the honeymoon, why didn't you make a move. You do sexy stuff, how come no penetration, dose she freeze up, dose she pull away? Past abuse may be an issue, maybe she's ignorant and dosen't know what to do. Approach her very gentlely, but you need to take control, you have to be firm, and try to find out what the hell is going on. Blessing to you both and good luck.
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A
male
reader, patient_husband +, writes (6 August 2008):
patient_husband is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve tried talking to her, several times as you can imagine.
All I get is "i dont know whats wrong"... or draw blanks when ask how we're going to deal with it...
i'm more than happy to see someone about it, but not sure she is....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): grow a backbone- DEMAND SEX, GO CRAZY, she wants to be desired.
if you pump up the passion you will both find a moment.
she feels strange for being a virgin for so long- she feels dejected from society.
if things have been purly monogamous then perhaps she is missing something in her life-
i think you need to be the man and actually get angry about- hardly nobodies first times having sex was that great.
if you guys have been together that long without sex you got something great- if you guys can get into the swing of getting jiggy then your relationship could be made.
look up some sex tricks and tips books, learn to stimulate her with environment, mood, massage, timing and rhythms- get her feeling sexy, talk openly about sex and how she feels, be strong and brave sex doesnt have to be a stigma, COMMUNICATION IS A GOOD THING.
if you cant sort out the sex thing by the next couple of months i would seriously start thinking about moving on, becuase she is not meeting your needs.
heres another important thing- clit stimulation is more stimulating then deep penetration.
if your an austere coule then be like yogis and be spiritual.
if your only together becuase your christian or something thats a poor excuse. you guys can have sex, you maybe just lacking confidence and expression.
go out get some space, do some tai chi, try painting some t-shirts, try shouting you feelings somewhere remote (the act itself is an expression of passion) there are things thet will set you up to find the balls.
but dont just find the balls are go flying in like a spitfire, use that ballsy feeling to communicate how much you find her attractive and really want you animal urges to be met.
maybe you are doing the whole oral thing all wrong- maybe things are sensual enough. maybe you are just not speaking to her yoni and honoring it and treating it with enough respect and attention-
try it next time- ask your wife if you can speak to her yoni and ask it whats wrong and maybe it will give you an answer! i'm serious
remember cardinal rule number 1, these things can be forced show you find your woman attractive over other ladies, her yoni doesnt need to be afriad- she just doesnt want to get hurt. or feel you will stop loving her if she gives in.
if your spanking off all the time that must suck- but thats normal- i remember not spanking off for about 1 year and 3 months and when i got with my next girlfriend the damn think wasnt working properly (it does need excercise)
anyway hope something here helps- find your inner stud and find a way to be her man.
YOU ARE ALREADY THE KING DADDY SO BE IT. do things unexpected get her excited, put in a huge effort until she feels like yeah ok lets give it a go.
if you put loads of effort in and she just isnt taking notice then i think she has got more deep issues that you need to work on (perhaps involving you) or you just need to tell her she needs wake the heck up.
Listen the problem most likely is she has a need you are not listening to. but sometimes you need to get things rolling on the path of sexual discovery to work out things along the way.
its not the end of the world if you guys dont have full intercourse, but she maybe tense-
if she is anally retantive alot then it means she hasnt found her own peace.
comunicate and maybe try holding off the sex for a while and try massage- it maybe quite possible your leaving no space for desire i.e you need to leave her wanting more and hold back a little- youd be surprised how quick this can change the dynamic.
she loves you, she will give you the time!
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2008):
 you need to sit her down and talk about things. maybe their is a reason she is not telling you or maybe you havent taken the next step and she is scared..be gentle and talk communication is the key in any relationship.. good luck aphex xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): My God, you have been patient! Saintly even!! No, the time for shilly-shallying is definitely over. I assume you've both discussed this major problem? That being the case, I would also assume that you've meekly accepted her excuses like the overly-gentleman you are.
Personally, I would say to her that if she finds making love such a problem, a visit to a marriage guidance councillor is in order. Ask her firmly to attend with you. If not - go on your own anyway and see what sort of advice you get.
The feelings you have for her and the fact you are married, prompts my response. If you were still boy/ girlfriend, I would advise you to seriously think about moving on.
Good luck mate.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 August 2008):
 This isn't right. You need to sit her down and talk with her. You need to find out why she has no interest in having a complete marriage. Sexual intimacy is vital in a successful marriage. You might need to get some counseling together. It's important to get to the bottom of this. Good luck Buddy, I hope things work out for you.
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