A
female
age
26-29,
*tzy.21
writes:Okay, so I haven't used my dear cupid a little bit over a year. I first got it when I was in 8th grade or a freshman; when I was in my first serious relationship. I had put some stories on how I was pregnant at 16 and so forth. Anyway's, I am yet with my 8th grade/Freshman boyfriend, we have two beautiful children together they are 2 years apart.My point is, We've been having issues every now and then.. like just arguments over dumb things. His cousin recently came over for the summer and he is single and always manipulating him to do things like "TAKE ME TO THE STORE" or "Give me a ride to my friends house". I say manipulating cause if he doesn't do him the favor, he basically gets mad over it. So recently i saw that my BF sent him a long message i had sent him a couple of nights ago cause i was real irritated for a similar reason where he didn't want to come home because he didn't want his cousin to be the only guy there at the family get together and it was already close to midnight and he had work the following day. Anyways, I saw that he sent him the message and it said right after it .."Thats what i get bro" and his cousin responds: "F^^k that crazy bitch lmao". and my BF responds :"Im telling you bro". So that irritated me because that just shows how much respect he has towards me or how he doesn't even cares if someones calls me names. I tend to go out on him when he doesn't want to listen to me or just be home so that he can help me with the girls. I just can't sometimes, I don't know if its frustration that i get so angry so easily and go off on him. Or if I'm bipolar or have mood swings? has anyone been through anything similar?? please respond and would prefer to not have any negative comments. Thank you xox!
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female
reader, itzy.21 +, writes (25 June 2015):
itzy.21 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, thank you so much for helping me open my eyes. However, he is a very good father. he sometimes showers them and puts them to bed on his own. But this is the issue we have every now and then.. where i told you that he takes the keys with him to work or hides them around the house so that i can think they're with him.. and just makes me feel miserable. there was a time when it was his birthday we already had my first daughter and were currently living at his moms.. anyways, well he has a girl cousin who was there at his party (family get together) and she was trying to make me feel bad by saying "Do you want me to make you a cake" out loud since i didn't have money to buy him one and his sister in law would say "I will do the rice.. etc." since i didn't make any i was hurt cause we had been arguing and his family was trying to make me feel bad.. i was stuck in the room crying of anger.. and he would just laugh and laugh ad i felt like it was purposely.. and ii felt bad. One time when i was pregnant with my second baby he would just get ready and leave to like the county fair that was going on recently and i was looking like sh*t at home & was with my little one.. when he was leaving already i followed him asking where he was going and had my big belly.. and he would just ignore me i would make him lower the window and tried talking things out and whatever and he would just say i will be back or whatever and would start reversing and i would stay holding on to the truck as i kept running trying to catch up and he would just laugh and take off.. he is a very good bf and all but when we argue it gets this bad or worse.. now that i read your past message i feel like maybe this is why I'm so emotional or i can become very angry very easily with my children i am not as patient with them... or if he gets me mad over the phone and they come talking to me nicely i will tell her to go away in a mad tone and feel horrible. i don't know if this is all his fault but lately i have been feeling like the worst mother ever.. I have been feeling depressed i don't want to leave the home tho because i wouldn't have a car at my parents either to even have a job ,... like their is so much i think about or I'm like what if i forgive him like the past times and have to bring all my things back again. cause usually what he would do back then was get frustrated and tell me to leave and would leave with his cousins to drink ect.. and i would stay at home with my d daughter or his (looser cousin) would just be around just being nosy and seeing us have our arguments and saying I'm a crazy (b*tch) like don't even know if i really am crazy or if he makes me this way..i don't know what to do anymore all i want is to finish college pay for my own car so no one takes it away from me or my home. I want to feel stressless and free and not have to depend on him cause i feel like i shouldn't. H also told me today that his sister (older than him) that she was going through his texts and reading our arguments. I found that rude! i am so aggravated and feel like all she worrys about is just us having problems so that she can be happy. and my BF doesn't see that, i guess he feels like she has his back when really i know she is just trying to no everything about our relationship as always.. i really need help deciding what i need to do :(
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 June 2015):
 Thank you for the follow-up. Given the additional information you've shared, I think you are very wise to start looking to the future and being able to support yourself and your daughters.
Purposefully leaving you home alone with no keys so that you feel trapped is a truly manipulative things for him to do. Honestly, that alone makes him sound like an emotional abuser, because he's controlling you AND enjoying it. The part where he randomly tells you to leave is icing on the cake, so to speak. By constantly making you feel uncertain of where you stand in his life and whether he'll keep you around, he's taking away your ability to stand up for yourself when he acts out because you don't feel you have solid ground to stand on. The more he gets away with, the more he'll TRY to get away with in the future, meaning what you're seeing now is likely to get worse if anything.
Regarding what is normal in a relationship/marriage? Your partner should be the one who HELPS YOU THROUGH the times where you feel useless and miserable - NOT the one MAKING you feel useless and miserable. Yes, long-term relationships and marriages take work, but there is a big difference between a toxic relationship/marriage and a healthy relationship/marriage that has simply hit a stressful patch. Abuse is one of them. No life stress makes it okay for one partner to turn around and abuse the other physically OR emotionally. That is not "normal" in a relationship/marriage nor is it healthy. Normal stress is tight finances. Normal stress is one partner losing a job and both partners adjusting. Normal stress is one partner dealing with the loss of a family member and the other partner offering support. Normal stress is opening the home to an aging or disabled relative. Normal stress is raising a child with a disability and both partners working together to provide the child with the best situation possible.
Worrying that the father of your children will kick you out of the house at a moment's notice? NOT normal stress. Feeling like a prisoner because you have no means to leave the home and your partner is intentionally withholding keys from you? NOT normal stress. "Most" marriages are better than these control issues, and the ones that aren't feature a partner who is manipulative or abusive or both. Don't let anyone talk you into thinking "everyone" and "every marriage" has those sorts of issues. They don't.
If taking your daughters and going to live with your parents is an option for you, that would be the best course of action here. Being completely honest with you, I don't think there's a future for you with this guy unless the dreams you have for your future include being alternately manipulated and ignored/made to feel worthless. (Hint: they shouldn't! You deserve way better.) So in your shoes I would seriously consider breaking things off. Try to keep things as cordial as you can (less "I hate your guts" and more "I feel like we've grown apart and things aren't working anymore") but be prepared for the possibility that you will have to pursue child support via the court system. Your boyfriend doesn't sound like the kind of upstanding guy who will be interested enough in his kids' welfare to make sure they have what they need whether he's together with you or not.
Keep your chin up and remember that you ARE smart, and you ARE worthy, and you ARE a great mom to your kids. Good luck and best wishes moving forward from this!
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A
female
reader, itzy.21 +, writes (23 June 2015):
itzy.21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response, I appreciate you're patience and how you gave me advice on how to talk to him. However, I didn't go into much detail because It is a lot to even type on here.. I've pretty much been through hell and back with him. I also appreciate that fact that you told me how to let him know about the issue that bothered me ,but when he doesn't like the subject he usually ignores me meanwhile on his phone or if one of my daughters come to tell hi something he will use that excuse to stop the convo. It's just little things like that that really bother me and I get very emotional sometimes and I can get angry real quick and just call him mean names ect. I sometimes feel guilty but how my cousin says "No its not you, from you tell me ..he is the one who makes you be mean this way cause you aren't this way with others but him." and its true. I sometimes question myself if I should let him go or listen to the people who tell me that i shouldn't because thats what marriage is about you go through tough times, thing is how am i suppose to be here through the tough times if he tells me to leave the home, since he pays for everything.. I am currently enrolling in college and want a good career so I won't have to depend on him. I want to be a great idol for my two girls and show them that you can no matter the circumstances. I want them to have a better future than mine too. Im a house wife /mom. another thing is, if he gets mad he gets the car keys and house keys and just leaves me here when his mad.. i don't know where he goes or what he does. I get texts asking me "When are you leaving".. things like that make me feel useless and miserable. I get so down and just don't want to talk to anyone. I just don't know if thats even right? or if this is how a marriage is? or how it usually is.. i don't know if to stay or leave to my parents house.. should i apologize first? or wait for him to apologize? we are currently going through this right now and don't know what to do?? thank you for the help! xo
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (22 June 2015):
Do you act this way toward others, or just toward him? If only he brings these feelings out of you, calling it bipolar or mood swings is probably not so accurate, as these are much harder traits to selectively "turn off" around neutral parties. I think many women in your shoes might be frustrated, and frustration alone IS enough to explain your behavior towards him.
Your post doesn't go into detail about this... but reading between the lines, it sounds like you are the one doing most of the caretaking for the children you share while you boyfriend is out and about going to family get-togethers or giving rides to this loser cousin of his or doing other things that keep him away from home and his duties to "help [you] with the girls."
IF that is the case, being annoyed by it does not make you bipolar. Your boyfriend participated in getting you pregnant (twice) and should share some of the responsibilities related to your children. He may not WANT to, but responsibility is a CONSEQUENCE of young parenthood. The prospect of cutting back on late-night social life is a CONSEQUENCE of young parenthood. He chose to become a parent BEFORE he was out of the phase where staying out till midnight with work the next day sounds like a fantastic idea, but just because he still has the desire to do something does not mean it is the fair or responsible thing to be doing.
Now, you are old enough and adult enough to know you should not be reading your boyfriend's messages without his knowledge. And I will warn you that he is likely to bring this point up if and when you confront him over the "crazy bitch" exchange. But nor should he be forwarding messages you wrote for his eyes only to friends for their input/amusement/etc. And no, it is NOT appropriate for him to tolerate (and agree with!) someone calling the mother of his children, who he's still seeing, a crazy bitch. You deserve more respect that that.
I think it's time for you to sit down and talk with him. Try to avoid accusing statements like "you always (this), you never (that)" but make sure your concerns are being heard. "Josh, I saw the message you sent Steven and I'm disappointed that you shared a message that should have stayed between the two of us. I don't think it's appropriate that you agree with him when he calls me names, because you are my partner and because he is a big part of my frustration. I feel overwhelmed when you're gone socializing and driving him places and I'm here taking care of our daughters by myself." Whatever words you choose, try to be calm and rational about how you present your feelings. If he perceives an attack, he's going to be too busy "defending" himself to pay much attention to the substance of what you're trying to tell him.
If he's a decent partner and human being, once he is aware of your feelings he will likely make a little more effort to pull his own weight where parenting is concerned. (If he doesn't, unfortunately you are looking at serious compatibility issues in the long run.) Make sure that any improvements on his part are met with positive reinforcement from you. Be appreciative (maybe even thank him outright) when you notice one. Yes, he SHOULD be helping you already, without requiring gratitude, but right now you seem to have a pattern of indifferent behavior from him and it may take a similar PATTERN of positive reinforcement to help him turn that around.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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