A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have dated my friend now for 4 months. We talk everyday and go out very frequently even though we both have very demanding careers.The problem is that he has refused to define what the relationship is. He keeps saying he isnt ready for a serious relationship because he just came out of one.I am not sure what to make of our relationship.Should i be patient and continue like this until he is ready to define it or move on?Much appreciated.
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (3 December 2008):
 Hi there, in my experience men usually tell the exact truth about how they feel very early on and then girls tend to ignore it or not really hear what they are saying cos its not want they want to hear. I'd start to detach myself emotionally from this guy so you don't get hurt. good luck x
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Wait two more months, then move on.
Best Wishes,
Amanda
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A
female
reader, uhohlala +, writes (2 December 2008):
I'd be very careful here ... it's been four months. That's certainly long enough to know whether or not he wants to be spending time with you in a similar vein this time next month, in two months, etc. Long enough to know if he wants to be in a serious relationship.
Wanting a committed relationship does not necessarily mean that you two will start planning a life together, it simply means that, for the foreseeable future, you and he intend to be committed parts of each other's lives.
The problem is this: by refusing to account for himself even in the short-term, he's essentially telling you that all bets are off. He could be the perfect partner: romantic, caring, thoughtful, etc. But you'll have no reason to think that you can rely on having him in your life next week, next month. As you know. Not a lot of fun, and not fair. If you are okay with that (I wouldn't be), then accept the uncommitted status of your relationship and hope for the best. But I hope you'll be careful to not put all of your emotional eggs in his basket!
It sounds like you're not okay with his continued ambivalence after the two of you have been dating for four months. I think you're very reasonable to not be comfortable in such a situation. His past is his problem -- if he wasn't ready to get into a new serious relationship so soon after getting out of one, he shouldn't have allowed one to develop with you. To be fair to him, though ... you shouldn't have allowed it either. He did warn you ...
Regardless, here you are now. If you can't accept his lack of commitment, then you should face the strong likelihood that sooner or later your relationship with him will have to end. You can end it, or you can wait for him to end it. You'll probably feel better if you end it. It'll be harder to end things with him now than it would have been one, two, or three months ago, when it was clear that it wasn't going to be merely a fling. But it'll be easier to end it now than it will be in another month or two (or three or four). The longer you wait, the more difficult to pick up neglected friendships that have languished during this romance, and to get back into the groove of your life prior to him. And the longer you wait, the more opportunities you'll be passing up to meet someone whose relationship goals are better aligned with yours.
Believe me, I speak from experience! I know how tough it'll be -- hard because you've become attached, and hard on your pride! But the sooner you face the music, the better. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): He is telling you he just isn't that into you. He is probably one of those types who doesn't like to be alone but doesn't want to be in a relationship. Dump him so you can find someone who can't wait to define your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): He says he doesn't want a committment right now, so don't wait around for him to make one. I'm not saying you should leave him altogether, but if he continues to feel this way for a while you might miss out on someone who wants more if you don't leave yourself open to other people. Go out with him and other men as well. Sometimes when a guy knows you are doing this he decides to make that committment you want. That may not happen with him, but at least you will be exploring other opportunities. And if it ends, you won't be out in the cold. Have fun!!
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