A
female
age
30-35,
*oeismeanyou
writes:So I'm dating a new guy for about 2 days now. I'm 20 and hes 28. We meet at an anime convention in 2011 and ever since we've always seemed to constantly bump into one another all the time around town (for A-----, that's rare especially if you two live in different towns)Anyways, the relationship is far so good (I mean what can go wrong in 2 days) we have loads in common and we've gotten to know a lot about one another over the last couple of days. During one of our conversations, he admitted that he is indeed a virgin. I honestly don't have a problem with the fact that he is a virgin, but my problem is that I'm not. I have had sex with my previous partners (one of them I loved but he broke my heart) and now I'm to the point where I don't want to have sex with the person I truly love. How do I tell him that I would like to wait? I could tell that he is a bit sexually aggravated and I don't know what to do? I do want to have sex with him (as a female I do want to have sex too)but how can I restrain from sex?And another question I do feel like this relationship is going to last for a while. I know a lot of you guys are thinking (you've only been dating him for a bit), but I really do have a good feeling about it. But when do you think its a good time to introduce him to my family. I know it won't be for a while but still. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 June 2014):
 You've dated this guy for TWO days and already you perceive him as being "sexually aggravated"? I'm so curious as to how you came to know that. Was this in the last 2 days or have there been conversations building up to this?
Anyway, just to let you know, you are NOT responsible for his feelings of "sexual aggravation." It's not your job at this point to fix those feelings, there should be no onus on you to produce sexual favors just to relieve that "aggravation."
You have been dating the guy for 2 days. I would wait, oh, about another 3 months before getting sexually intimate. I think kissing is fine but do not indulge beyond that, no hand jobs or oral sex on either of your parts.
You are still getting to know him.
"Josh, I get the feeling that you are really ready for sexual intimacy. I am not at this point. I know that you are a virgin and are aware that I am not, but that doesn't change my timing. Just because I've had sex before doesn't mean that I rush into sex before I'm ready with my partner. If this is going to be a problem for you then let's talk it out but just know that my timing is going to be slower than you may want, based on your comments about being sexually aggravated."
Don't put yourself in position of being home with him late at night, inebriated and unable to get home.
A guy who is into you for you will wait, if you are merely a sexual outlet for him, he won't last that waiting time.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Hello,
I think you need to be a bit more realistic here, im sorry. TWO DAYS and your talking about love, commitment, introducing to your family, or sex...!
How do you tell him to wait? Simple, you just say it. Your an adult, you need to be firm and open with him. If he pushes you for sex, an I suspect he will, then he is not the one for you - he is more interested in popping his cherry than a long term relationship. If he says he is also willing to wait, and backs those words up with his actions, then he might be someone you get together with and eventually enjoy sex with. He has waited 28 years for sex, im sure he can wait a bit longer to respect your wishes.
You need to bear in mind that you barely know each other. For the first feel weeks, or sometimes months, its only natural to both be on your best behaviour, take an interest in each others hobbies, be willing to overlook any issues and generally try to make a good impression. After a few weeks or months THEN you will get to know each other properly. Its only then that we show our true colours to each other, and are more willing to be grumpy if we feel like it or be less interested in things we don't mutually enjoy. Its a natural part of a relationships progression. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Looking ahead to the future, you also need to bear in mind the age gap between you.
You should see how you go and not build this up too much...we get so many people on here saying that all went amazingly well for the first few days or weeks and then their partner either showed they were a very different person to first thought, or displays issues or problems which were not immediately apparent. I Wish you well and genuinely hope it works out for you both, but to avoid getting hurt you need to take each day as it comes, after just two days you shouldn't be thinking about sex, or really discussing it unless your just looking for a FWB situation or one nighter.
If he is a virgin at 28, assuming that's not by choice or religious/moral grounds, then that suggests he is very inexperienced, lacks sexual maturity and may well confuse lust for love. The fact he has told you this after just two days suggests he is looking for sex first, relationship second. He is keen to loose his virginity, and after a decade of being an adult virgin is probably wanting to do it, no disrespect, to the first half decent girl who shows an interest. You say he is clearly sexually aggravated - that could cloud his judgement.
Good relationships, and indeed good sex, is about good communication. Don't mention sex to him for a while, and if he brings it up (as it were) then tell him its too soon to discuss. You need to ensure your not just someone he is being overly nice to, to break his duck.
As for restraining from sex, maturity and self control should be a priority when it comes to sex and its possible consequences. Its up to you to ensure you don't let the situation get ahead of itself to the point where you do something you regret. Nothing other than kissing, as once you start doing a bit more you may get carried away.
Mark
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 This is a simple one.. you simply say(during an intimate moment) "Darling, I love you very much and can't wait to be with you in every waybut I would really like to hold off until we are married. Is that cool with you?" If he truely loves and respects you, he'll comply(gudginly maybe but so what) If he dosen't really respect you and your feelings, he will pressure you to comply withhis desires. If it's the former then all's well that ends well. If it's the later, then you've learned all you need to know about this guy and retained your self-respect. It's a win-win situation. GoodLuck.
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A
female
reader, woeismeanyou +, writes (9 June 2014):
woeismeanyou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant I don't want to have sex unless its with the person I love. Thanks chigirl for pointing that out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 I don't understand.. you say you don't want to have sex with the person you love. Did you mean you wont have sex unless you love him?
Two days is way too early to introduce sex, and if he's pushing for it already then he's not a keeper.
Anyways, just go with the flow of things, and if he gets too close you tell him you're not ready for that yet. Doesn't matter that you're not a virgin, you're entitled to decide for yourself whether you want to have sex or not.
You introduce him to your family once you feel the relationship is ready for that step. There's no rule book on this. You need to do what feels right. It can be a few days, it can be a few months.
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