A
female
age
36-40,
*rookesawyer
writes:I'm a single mom with two kids, a four year old daughter and six your old son. I've been dating a guy for almost 7 months. He is great with my kids and they adore him. Last night he proposed ! I was not expecting it at all and he even said he knew it was fast but he also knew that I was the one for him. He was transfer to another province for work (he had put in for the transfer before we met) and has been working away for a few weeks. He wants us to move with him at the end of the school year I talked to a friend and she thinks it's to soon ? Am I nuts to think he is the one? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 I don't know why I can't remember to write everything in one post any longer, so here comes another post from me.
Like janniepeg said, marriage is not just about feelings. I would say that marriage is not about feelings at all, actually. There needs to be compatibility and ability to work through conflicts in a mature and good manner. You and him need to have a decent row, in other words, and several conflicts, before you are able to judge whether or not he is a good fit for you. Every day life should also be taken into consideration. I am in the process of ending my two year relationship for this exact reason! We both want the same things, have similar interests and love one another, but the every day life, and the way we handle conflict, is not compatible. It's things like how you greet each other in the every day life, how you talk together, how you solve problems together... it's stuff like that which matters for a marriage to work. Not love. Not gut feelings. I had a gut feeling my boyfriend was the one for me, and he matched my desires in a man perfectly at the time! But it takes more than 7 months to know if you are compatible or not. Especially, it takes living together for at least 6 months.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 April 2016):
Too soon. If it was just you, Id say go for it, take the chance and enjoy life. But, it's not just you, you have the kids to think about as well. Moving them, only to be moving back or a third place soon after, is not good for them. 7 months is still in the honeymoon phase. You can accept the engagement, and you can plan a wedding, but it should be two years from now.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 This is a decision that you are going to have to make on your own. I've known people who have had successful marriages after only knowing each other for a few months. And I've known people who have dated 7 years, get married and are divorced in less than a year.
However, I will say this, the more time you get to him -- and that takes time -- the more confidence you will have in knowing you are making the right decision.
There is a lot at stake here -- your life as well as your children's. Also, what about your ex and your children? Will they accept a long-distance move as well? Do you want to move to this new area? What about your career? Friends? Family?
Is there a middle ground? Could you relocate to where he is going in order to be closer to him? That way you can continue to date but not be married. I would also suggest separate domiciles until you are ready to take that step as well. How far is far? Can you still do a bit of a long-distance relationship and see each other fairly often?
I think you have a lot to think about aside from just whether you want to get married. And I do think there is a tremendous amount at stake. While it is flattering to know he wants to marry you and support the kids, there are a ton of questions that need to be answered. And until you answer them, with confidence, you'll be left with these doubts.
Answer with your head on this one, not with your heart.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2016):
 I think it's WAYYYY too soon as well. NOT because of YOUR ages, but because there are children involved here too who's lives will change a LOT.
And the whole aspect of income and work. If you move there now in the "heat of the moment" can you find work there or will you AND your kids be dependent on him?
Look and see what kind of job there MIGHT be available for you there, schools etc.
Make plans, take your time and then follow through. Where is the fire?
Jumping in with both feet I can understand if it was JUST the two of you, but when there are kids involved it needs to more practice. What about the father of your children? Would he be OK with you moving that far away? Etc?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): Why rushing in?If you are THE ONE as he says, you'll be the one a year from now. It's great that he is serious and responsible, but you do not really know him after 7 months. You haven't lived together. Maybe you should test it first.You'll have to leave your life and become financially dependent on him. Your kids too. For a while at least. Think about your career options there. If this move is good for your in terms of your career and you are confident that you will be able to find a solid job (that could support both you and your kids) fast, then it won't be such a risk. If this is not the case, you'll be in a bad position. Not to mention that you'll leave your family and friends and lose that kind of support. Even if they are against this, they LOVE you and they are there for you and your kids.I'd take things slowly and if he loves you (I mean if he's healthy, mature, serious and responsible and knows how to really love and not create co-dependent relationships) he'll work with you to make this work.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2016):
 It is WAYYY too soon! It's not just you - it's your kids, and 7 months is too soon to marry, much less disrupt your kids' lives. You must wait longer, and if he pressures you or implies that if you don't move on his time, he'll leave, then you'll know that you were right not to move fast.
Have patience. Both of you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 DEFINITELY TOO SOON Brookesawyer! Are you nuts? No, just hasty, in love and impetuous as he is :)
Thankfully it appears you have a wise friend to advise you. I believe the transfer and him working away may have caused a knee jerk reaction in him; wanting you to move with him so as not too loose you or show his commitment?
I suggest plenty of face to face discussions of both your expectations of one another; such as while he’s at work what does he expect of you ETC? Because what appears all cosy and accommodating now may not be like that in a year’s time when reality sets in? Your post is so brief, we are left to wonder if your guy has children or may want more children, has he plans to rent forever or build a home, how does he see you and how do you see yourself contributing in this happily ever after?
Take Care – CCA
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): "Am I nuts to think he is the one?"No, but you're nuts to be considering disrupting your children's lives and taking them away from everybody and everything they've known to follow a guy whom you've known for seven months.Is the children's father in the picture? If so, it would be very unfair to the kids and him to deny regular access to each other, and he may go to court to prevent.If baby daddy isn't around, then do your children have relationships with their paternal grandparents or other relatives on his side? And what about your parents and extended family? Do you think it's fair to deny your children whatever stability they've had?As a mother your children should be your first priority. You should be considering what's in their best interests and not your wants. For the sake of your children I suggest you put off any thoughts of marriage, and should you eventually decide to get married then you need to give them adequate time to prepare for the complete disruption they will be experiencing.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Just spend the summer with him and then make a decision there. A marriage is more than just feelings, the gut instinct that he's the one. You also consider if your life is changing for the better or is it going to be more complicated. Does he have kids too? More kids mean more work for you. Can you find a job in the new province or does he make enough to take care of all of you? Can you handle him working weeks away out of province? I do think it is too soon. You need to work out logistics and not get carried away with the passion. It's still good to know that you are on the same page about long term but it's wise to take time to prepare for such a big move.
...............................
|
