A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a series of questions I'd appreciate advice on.I want to know if it is bad for the girl to initiate the dates in the start of a relationship or should the guy take charge and plan dates for the two of them? Also how can you tell through messaging and physical actions if a guy is losing interest in you? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2016):
 I agree with YouWish
Sitting around waiting for a GUY to take the initiative is wasting your time. Why let life pass you by? If he is interested he will APPRECIATE that you ask him out, IF he can't handle a women to ask him out... he clearly isn't for you.
As for who plans the dates? I don't think it should matter. I honestly am WAY better at planning outing, finding places to go and things to do and see than my husband. He does however occasionally find something unique to do. Which means? Two minds are better than one, when it comes to planning :)
If someone seems to pull away, cancel dates all of a sudden or answering his phone less frequent, takes days to answer texts... then I would presume the interest is waning, and I'd back off to see if he steps up or not.
Chasing someone who isn't interested doesn't work. For either person.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (18 April 2016):
I think a lot of these unwritten rules than men have to take charge are terribly dated. They are still very pervasive: I, for example, would hate some-one to pay half on the first date, despite the fact that we live in an equal society where she is just as likely to be working and earning as much, or more, than me. It’s silly really but it’s in the psyche. I think that if you want something, you have to make an effort to get it. If the guy you like is painfully shy, or clueless at picking up hints, tell him. Likewise, if a woman makes no effort and expects the man to organise absolutely everything, I don’t think she can complain if he decides not to bother, concluding that she’s just not interested. In my opinion, you are running in to problems if either party is making disproportionate effort. Then you do as YouWish said: hold back and see what happens. Either he’ll make more of an effort, or it’ll fizzle out.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2016):
 I initiated dates as well as had them initiated. I'm married to a man for whom I initiated the relationship, as he was really shy and I liked him and wanted to de-friendzone the relationship. We're still married after 17 years, so I think it's fine! After you're already a couple, both of you should have a hand in being together.
Never be passive in a relationship. It's horribly outdated for a woman to sit back and let a guy do all the planning, all the chasing, all the everything. It's a dance, the dance of interest. Get too smothery and the flame chokes out. And - if you feel he's getting distant, then back off of him and see what happens. Don't text much, and see how he reacts. If he IS losing interest, then you'll know. But smothering in response to being worried about his pulling away is not a good idea.
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