A
male
age
36-40,
*onystarkben
writes:We got back from a holiday to interstate yesterday and the past few days she had been feeling sick - we put it down to something she ate or the heat but i got her a test to put my mind at rest. She did 2 in the airport in the morning and they came back saying positive by 3 plus weeks.I am 24 and my girlfriend is 19 and we have been dating for about 3 months - i do love her but to be honest i like kids but i never really wanted them... I like to go away and not worry about stuff and be spontaneous maybe thats selfish but that's how i am.I asked her what she wanted to do and she said there is no way she is having a termination. I said about adoption ( i was adopted so i know a bit about it) but she said she doesn't want to do that either.She is studying and has all these plans for the future like going to Africa to volunteer in 6 months, we are going travelling, going to my brother's wedding in another country her getting a new job etc and i tried telling her that we can kiss all these things goodbye - our entire future. I have an ok job and live in a house share with a friend.She said it's not the baby's fault and she will have to give these things up - i know some girls are happy getting pregnant and living off benefits etc but without sounding rude, Lou is better than that - she has done all the studies and secured a place at uni and i don't want to see her give all that up.She admitted she didn't want a child this young but now she has to deal with it. She said i don't have to stay and she will do it on her own if i leave.I just don't know what to do or think. She was on the pill everyday so it's not like we didn't use precautions. She wants to tell her parents soon and i feel like everything is falling apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): Have you ever seen the show "i didn't know I was pregnant"?. Anyway, i was watching it once and after the woman gave birth she was all "i don't know what i want to do, if i want to give it up or not". She even refused to hold the child. After awhile, the doctors forced her to hold her baby, and it was love at first sight. Her whole demeanor changed. 3 years later, the child is happy and healthy and they couldn't be happier.
Having children isn't the end of your life, its the beginning. Its a completely new adventure, one more fun and rewarding than any other.
Will your relationship work? Of course it CAN. Forget what that other poster said about having a very very very low probability. You have to be willing to work on your relationship, and remember that love is based on trust and respect.
You absolutely can get a job, a place, a sucessful career and have this baby. Will it be easy? No. Can you do it? Absolutely. And same with your partner.
Adventures can happen at any time of your life. They may be delayed a few years, but why can't you bring your child along? Or have he/she stay at your parents?
This can work. It really can. Have faith. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): I feel for you: not the right time, sudden burden, plus a girl that you hardlyknow, all in unfortunate.
i really dont know what you can do here. The embrio is in her body, if i were her i would get rid of it, but she wouldn t do it.
You really have two options here: pay child support and not being involved in their lifes, or be a father, now your desision. Who knows if it will work out, noone can predict it. May be it will work out for the best, she is a good person, you have baby togethre and live happily ever after, or may be it wont work. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): First off she needs to go to a doctor OP and get it confirmed. False positives or reading the results wrong are quite common. Especially if you partied hard on your holiday.
Other than that I don't know why it's all doom and gloom for you. Who says she'll have to be on benefits? I know plenty of single parents that went to college while raising a kid and started new careers and as she said you're still free to do what you want she'll take care of it alone if she has to, personally that wouldn't be an option for me and neither would adoption, I have no respect for a person who creates a life then dumps the raising of that life on others because it messes up their plans.
Look relax and take your time to absorb this. First off get it confirmed by a doctor, there's no point in panicking until you know for sure. Even then there's no point in panicking, you really don't have to be tied down to this if you don't want to and can live with the guilt of just dumping your child on her and having nothing to do with it so you can go travelling and stuff.
If confirmed then this baby is going to be born in 8 months and that's plenty of time to figure out what you're going to do. Having a kid is not the end of the world OP and it's definitely not some kind of benefits trap you think it is. It makes life a lot more work with a lot less freedom but I challenge you to find a good parent who would trade their kid for freedom.
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reader, Nehemie Mb  +, writes (1 July 2012):
My friend, you have got yourself one hell of an awesome woman!!! From what you have written, I can tell you something: I greatly admire her courage. Trust me, if she told you she can raise the kid on her own, it's pretty sure she doesn't want to live off any body's benefits. I just wanted to get that out of the way.This situation right here, is the biggest lesson of life: You want things to happen a certain way, but they go as worse as one can imagine, and the only thing for you is deal with it, one way or another. Now, this was just a general truth. To tailor that truth to your problem, I've had people live similar situation as your, and one year ago I had a girlfriend who was a single mom, so...what I'm trying to say is, it may not look like it now, but nothing is lost! All those wonderful things you wanted to do in the future are still available for you to do, but you'll just have to push the snooze button for a little while (second hard truth of life)It gets easier my friend, it really does. And people who have been through these kind of experiences, in the end are so grown and mature and thankful they kept the baby(if these sound like desirable traits to you).It might sound unrealistic of me but, you don't have to permanently give up anything, you just have to work harder, it's more responsibilities but you PERFECTLY CAN DO IT, it just seems so daunting right now!!! I can imagine the kinda question you're asking yourself: "am I gonna be up to scratch", "will I be a good father", "do I even wanna spend the rest of my life with this girl", etc. which are all valid questions.And I can understand why you're a bit afraid, and you say you like kids but have never wanted some of your own, I'm the same way too (I still haven't decided if I want kids, but I used to work in a day care! lol). I can surmise that you're afraid because you subconsciously know just how much of a responsibility raising a kid is! But on the flip side, it's the most wonderful thing that can ever happen to one, again it might not look like it now, but a few years down the road you'll be thankful for her/him(the baby, I don't like referring to babies as "it").Yes, about the pill thing, have you ever heard of spontaneous ovulation? Well, don't feel like you didn't use enough safety.To conclude, I'll say that your girl seems mentally strong, most of the time when this happens, the girl is totally shattered and have no clue whatsoever about how to even start thinking about the issue! Your girl needs you most right now, she needs your support more than anything. And since you say you love her, I think there's no problem there. There problem is just getting through that first year or so, but you can do it. It's okay to hesitate but DON'T CHICKEN OUT. I hope you find the courage you need. Cheers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): "We've been dating 3 months and now she's pregnant. So now I feel it's all falling apart so. Will this work?"Very very VERY low probability, unfortunately you've knocked up a girl who at this point is still essentially a stranger to you. All you can do is act in what you believe to be the best interests of an unplanned, unwanted child who will be born into a unstable, uncertain living situation as things currently stand. Right now all you know about the rest of your life is whatever plans you previously had for the rest of your life have just suddenly flown out the window. Sorry, but that's the risk you take when you have sex, protected or not. Only method of birth control that's 100% effective is abstinence. My thoughts and prayers are with an innocent child who had no choice in the circumstances surrounding his/her conception.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 It can only work as much as you want it to. Having a baby means you can never travel to another country and going back to college, forever? Really? Your plans will just be delayed. Before you could know whether this relationship will lead to marriage, now you have to focus on taking care of the baby. I mean, you can have doubts whether this baby is yours, you can ask for a paternity test just so that you won't excuse yourself from your fathering role. It is likely that you are the father and you will feel bad just leaving the relationship and avoiding responsibilility. If you do want to make it work try being more positive. Without faith that it will work you will find yourself doing things for her and feeling unappreciated. The relationship has shifted its focus on the future, to the now, which is planning for a little being with no instant rewards but a lot of sleepless nights and hormonal mood swings. It does not mean you forgo your plans for your career goals. It means whenever you have free time it will be caring for the baby and your social life may come to a stop. It will certainly help if you do make yourself beilieve your girlfriend is the one for you. If you still have a wandering eye it will make it very difficult for you to devote to this family, even when she told you it is your choice to stay or to leave.
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reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 If you like to be spontaneous then the thing to do is wear a condom AND be on the pill, so your girlfriend does not get pregnant. The pill is not 100% effective, but by now you already know this. It's only falling apart if that is how you see it. You could look at it in a different way. You could look at it as if you are bringing a new life into the world, a person you can teach a lot of wonderful things. You could look at it like you had sex, got a girl pregnant, and now you need to do the right thing and be responsible for helping her with this baby. You could look at it like when a man and woman have sex, even with protection, it's possible a baby can be conceived and if you're having sex, you are ready for that responsibility. Here is a short story for you...my sister was the same as you. Very spontaneous in life and liked to travel. She got pregnant two years ago and the father left. She has been raising her son with the help of her family since. She was scared, she was angry, and now she couldn't be happier. This little boy is the best thing to happen to her. She takes him everywhere she goes--hiking, camping, traveling, biking. Our parents watch him during the day because the father pays no support and does not want to see his son. That is the sad part...that this great little person does not have a father actively involved in his life (except for his grandpa who is very involved). What disturbs me is that you talk as if she got herself pregnant. To put it bluntly, when you screw around, with or without protection, there is that possibility of getting pregnant...you helped. You can either accept the responsibility with a positive and passionate attitude, or you can leave her like a coward. Your choice. Sorry to be so harsh, but I cannot fathom anyone not living up to his/her responsibility of taking care of a child. I know it can be hard to get used to, but I can't even treat an animal like some people treat children...I take care of them.
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reader, Abella +, writes (1 July 2012):
 you like kids but you never really wanted them.
Yes, finding out your girl friend is pregnant is a Major event in your life. The baby may turn out to be your greatest achivement.
That said, your girl friend needs your support right now. Not all your scrambling to work out ways to divest yourself of the responsbility for the next 18 years of being a hands on father and then a fathe for the rest of your life to your Offspring
A baby does not stop you nor your girlfriend developing an exciting and rewarding life together with a child.
Maybe you were not feeling as committed to your girlfriend before you knew she was pregnant but a baby on the way has no way of stopping growing. You cannot put the growth of a baby on hold for a few months until the time is available for you to think things through.
And that is the shock youn are facing. Like all expectnant mothers, on telling the fathers that a baby is on the way --it happens and then the train is on it's way.
Try to find out what support is available out there for you. Yes some immediate changes of plans in the next 24 months are called for. But your life will still go on.
You baby will appreciate you being there to be their father.
You and your dating partner may (hopefully) grow closer as a result of a shared bond - in your growing baby.
let your respective parents know as soon as possible. They will want to help you, I'm sure.
In this day and age millions of women hold good interesting jobs AND have a family of one , two, three and four plus children. Children does not stop you nor anyone achieving good things in a career.
Do not make it harder for the next 18 years for the childhood of your baby. Try to support your girl, even if you think everything is falling appart.
If you get Tooooo stressed then do get some counselling to help you understand your feelings.
And be very proud and Happy that you have a girl friend who is so responsible and who is already being so very caring and understanding (and willing to put some things on hold) due to the baby on it's way
Best Wishes for the future
Your Girl friend will really appreciate your Good support if you are willing to give her that Good support.
Regards
Abella
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