A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm with someone I love dearly and we have almost been together for two years. Both of us are cautious about fully committing because of curiosity about other romantic options. I'm willing to stay and see where things go, but he is for sure invested in eventually ending things to see other people. I'm leaving in about a year for grad school anyways, so I suggested that instead of breaking up right now, we enjoy each other's company until then, and allow our connection to naturally fade as our lives grow apart. He likes this idea. We took a "break" that ended very quickly because we both felt torn to pieces. Considering neither of us really want to pursue other romantic options this year anyway (even if we broke up we'd be so busy, who has time for new love?) doesn't it make sense to just enjoy our time together while we have it? Or should I break it off for him, since it seems like what he wants overall?
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 July 2017):
 I think you made the right decision.
Doesn't sound like either of your hearts are in it. You don't just half assed decide to keep dating for the next year because you can't be bothered to meet anyone else. You shouldn't NEED someone in your life to feel happy, you should more than capable of getting on with things in your own company.
Sounds like you need some time alone to figure things out. I think you're going to make it a lot harder for yourself to move on if you stay friends. Maybe it would be a good idea to go cold turkey, grin and bare how shitty it is and maybe somewhere down the line you can re-connect if you feel the need, if not then great you've moved on.
I think everyone in the world will go through something like this at one point where it feels like their heart is being torn right out of their chest, but this pain won't last forever. Who knows how long it will last? But it will go eventually and you will meet someone new who will make it go away.
Like I said, I think you're doing the right thing right now, use this time to find where you're up to and what things you want out of your next partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): We decided it was best to just be friends for an indefinite while, meaning it was okay if we decided we wanted to try seeing other people, officially. We also decided point blank no hooking up, actual friendship. That it wasn't worth getting closer knowing that he wasn't sure about staying and god, it just hurts so bad. It felt like a very honest, caring and loving conversation though, we ended it saying "I love you" and for a beautiful relationship like that, I wouldn't want it to drag out and keep on going when neither of us had the guts to commit to it and felt confused and doubtful just a little bit too often...best relationship I've ever had and god, I really, genuinely hope he comes around and changes his mind in the next two or three years because I love the snot out of that weird, moody, intelligent, beautiful, caring, and talented man. This is the worst thing ever. It felt like the best option at the same time though, and I feel a peace in my heart in this pain, instead of gross, anxiousness I felt with the other pain I experienced before we decided this. I hope I get used to this, and fast...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2017):
 I tend to see it like Honeypie does. Not that what you ( and your dad ) say makes no sense. In fact, I believe too that changing your physical environment is a big, big help in ending a broken heart, and that putting physical distance between you in practice begets putting also mental/ emotional distance.
So, maybe, if you want ,enjoy your last hoorays , and let things reach their natural expiration date, when you'll be leaving anyway. I guess it could work too, at least in the sense of dampening trauma.
BUT : I am being brutal , perhaps, yet, let's not hide behind a finger.
The point is :
you feel sick at the idea of breaking up, it's pure hell, in your own words. You even got an upset sromach.
And, did he ? Got an upset stomach ?
Heck no ! He was nice and ready to break up right now, then he changed his mind, either because you asked him to, or - because he is selfish too and it's perhaps more convenient to carry on like this.
But, you don't say , and somehow we can't feel from your words, that he is devastated and hurt and achy about breaking up. It was his idea ! He'd be fine . He'd be finer without you than what you'd be without him.
Unbalanced relationship. Heavy load to carry , and surely it must give a bitter taste, I suppose, to what should be your last enjoyable, carefree months together ?
Another thing that if it were me would spoil my fun, and note that I am not really the jealous and paranoid type, but logic is logic- is that you cannot even count that he will stay with you until you leave.
You are not committed, you are going to break up anyway- what's his incentive to stay monogamous, to not start NOW his exploration of new dating options ? Be sure that the possibility passed through his mind, I don't think otherwise he would have tried to break up something that worked well. If he wants to break up now, it is very possible, that he feels it could work equally well, or even much better , with other ladies, so why restrain himself for you ? To give you a full year if romatic bliss ? Sorry to sound cynical, but I think that ,in his mind, he does not feel the obligation to be so generous and give you a full year. As far as he is concerned- he who is the one who wants to break up anyway, and the sooner the better,- you'll do fine even if you just get 9 months, or 6 months , or 2 months. Can you enjoy fully your last year together, knowing that it can be cut short , and with almost zero qualms and remorse, due to the situation, any time from now on ? Can you have fun ,always waiting for the axe to fall down ?
Do you say that " he is too busy " etc ? I call BS in that. Nobody is too busy when they find something that's really interestting, really worth their while.
Look, I have known CEOs, I have known surgeons and industrials and policemen and firefighters and lawyers ,... I have known all sort of busy people, but crazy-busy people- and ,lo and behold, they all managed to fall in love , or in lust, and date at some point. They just needed to chance into the right thing ( well, person )- then , time is no object.
Your future ex bf perhaps may not be actively combing dating sites in search of romantic alternatives, true, but I'd bet what you want that if anything good comes his way , again, due to these particular circumstances, he'll take it ! , he won't feel obliged to respect your one more year " contract ".
Does not this change a bit things in favour of pulling the band aid and making a clean break ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThing is, I don't know if I don't want him in my life. Neither does he know if he wants me. We want perspective from dating other people. If we break things off now, it hurts like like crazy and is in our faces all the time. If we break up later, when I'm leaving anyways, it's distant and foreign and I won't have constant reminders of him around me as I move on. And, I won't be in a smaller city (chances are) so I'll have a bigger dating pool to explore my options. Waiting for me is the least painful and most selfish option. Now we've had that conversation where he almost broke things off though, it doesn't feel like that completely. Part of me wonders what it would be like to be single for a year before I leave. Lonely sure, but I definitely see myself connecting with people a bit more, remembering who I am without him, etc....it's really tough though. Him almost breaking it off before felt like pure hell. I even got an upset stomach. Meanwhile my dad thinks we should just keep dating, not use the word "breakup" at all, and if we drift we drift, whether it's now or in a year's time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2017):
 Personally? I wouldn't waste time, emotions and effort on a person I know I don't want in my life for the long run - JUST to have someone/anyone around. I'd rather be single and focus on school/work/hobbies/family and friends.
BUT... that is me.
What do YOU want? You ask if you should break it off because THAT is what you think he wants overall. What about you?
If you are OK with a pseudo relationship then stay with him. If you fear being single and he does too then stay.
If you ARE OK with being single and you just don't see a good reason to stay together then DON'T stay together.
You make it sound like you HAVE to have a BF even if you don't see a future with the guy. That isn't true.
You don't HAVE to stay with a guy because you have no CURRENT intentions of looking for other romantic options at the moment. That just sounds... ridiculous.
...............................
|
