A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! Firstly, sorry this is so long, but please read on. I would be really grateful for some advice here. My fiance and I have been planning to get married next summer, however I recently found out that my grandfather is seriously ill, and doesn't have long to live (a few months). This came as a big shock to all of us, but he had deliberately decided not to tell people until it became necessary. I am extremely close to my grandfather, and it would mean the world to me if he could attend my wedding, so we decided to bring the plans forward in the hope that we could include him. We have been lucky enough to find a venue, date, etc, and evrything is all to happen in the next couple of months. My fiance seemed perfectly happy about it all until yesterday when he saw his parents. His mother has had breast cancer recently, and is still recovering. She is not feeling at all well at the moment, and has also suffered from the physical effects of chemo. My fiance went to see them yesterday and it seems that the do not want to attend the wedding in August, for the reasons that his mother does not feel well, and also is unhappy with her appearance. It is a long trip to where we are marrying, and she is worried about the journey being uncomfortable, and being tired at the wedding. I appreciate that these are valid reasons. My fiance now does not want the wedding to go ahead, he now says that you cannot organise a wedding around the fact that one of your relatives is dying. He wants his parents to enjoy the day, and says he will not enjoy it if they don't. From my standpoint, if we do not have the wedding soon my grandfather will have passed away and not be able to attend the wedding at all. I do not know what to do. I love my fiance dearly, and I love my grandfather dearly. But I feel that his parents either cannot see, or perhaps do not care about, how important it is that my granddad can attend. I feel that by delaying the wedding my fiance and his parents will deny me the chance to celebrate with my gradad present, and I don't know if I can still conduct a proper relationship with my fiance as a result. I know his mother is ill, and I am not trying to diminish the importance of that in any way. But I feel that at least his parents could attend, even if it was not perfect for them, but if we leave it until she is completely better my granddad will no longer be around. Any ideas anyone? I really don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): I think you need to respect your fiance's wishes. As much as your grandfather means to you, it is more important that your fiance's parents are comfortable and enjoy their son's wedding. In addition, if you do keep the wedding in August, chances are his parents may not attend and that is heartbreaking.
My mother went through months of chemo and radiation, and the best thing my brother and his wife did for her was wait until she was done with treatments and feeling like herself again until they got married. It is a much bigger day for his parents then it is for your grandpa. You have to learn to make these compromises for the rest of your life, so you might as well start now. You don't want to come across as the heartless daughter in law, you wouldn't just be crushing your future in laws...you would be crushing the heart of your fiance, the man you say you love.
I hope you do the right thing here.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 Oooh, rock and hard place. This isn't going to get solved without someone sacrificing, I'm afraid. The first real test of your relationship, I guess?
First, let me challenge your acknowledgement of your future mother-in-law's cancer treatment and physical state of health. I take this a bit personally because a very close family member is going through this right now, and let me tell you, it is not easy. "I know his mother is ill, and I am not trying to diminish the importance of that in any way. But I feel that at least his parents could attend, even if it was not perfect for them.." Um, you know what, being anemic, bald, underweight, nauseous, possibly with lymphadema and recovering from a reconstruction is not "not perfect for them." It's unreasonable to expect that she can attend a wedding in this state, especially if they have to travel a long distance. If her blood counts are down, she is prone to infection, so exposing her to the rigors of travel as well as all the various colds and flus people hack and sneeze around an airplane cabin, could cause her to become ill. May I ask if you yourself have gone to see her since she's been in treatment? You might get a better understanding of what she's going through if you actually see her. Or pop round to the infusion clinic at the local cancer treatment hospital and take a good long look at people who are going through chemotherapy. Just a little reality check for you.
Now, back to your grandfather. I am very sorry to hear that he has a terminal illness; this must be very upsetting to you and your family. Is the wedding going to be where he is, so he doesn't have to travel? I expect if he has only a few months to live, he himself is very ill and may not be able to travel by August?
Maybe the thing to do is change the way you celebrate your union. Have two weddings--two celebrations, two vow exchanges. One with your grandfather present and your side of the family. Then when your fiance's mother feels and looks like herself again, have the second celebration.
Scale back on the cost and the scope of the original event, so that you can divide your resources between two parties.
Or another thought, to remove the loaded issue for both of you: elope now, so that you are married already, then have receptions in the two locations. You can have a blessing given by a clergyman/woman at each event, so that it truly is a special occasion.
You could get all the parties concerned, your grandfather, his parents, your parents, etc. together on a conference call and discuss the options available. You might be surprised at what people come up with.
I get the sense that you each have decided on a position and you are not budging from your decision. You're going to have to decide which is more important, your life together with him, or establishing whose family member is more important.
Throw out the paradigm of a white wedding with attendants and flowers and all the frippery... start thinking outside the box and come up with your own unique solution so that all can be accomodated with love and caring concern. You do love your fiance, don't you?
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