A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a man a year and a half ago. He was separated but not yet divorced. It was and still is a messy custody battle, and his ex has been diagnosed with personality disorders. This man's life is not stable at all.We have broken up a couple of times, due to stress and fighting. We are not together right now, and haven't been since December, but no one really knows it because we still sit together at church, we still hang out all the time, etc. We're basically together, we just aren't physical. He is pretty much my best friend. We just can't seem to keep it together right now when we complicate that with a relationship. We have fought before and tried to just spend some time apart, but we end up missing each other. We both have other friends, but it's just not the same. He told me through tears that he's afraid to open up to me sometimes because he doesn't want to lose me and that he doesn't want me to hurt him. Neither of us are seeing other people.I am very attached to his kids, they are attached to me, my kids are attached to him, and they are all attached to each other. Here's the thing: it's really hard for me to be around him sometimes. I'm torn because he is the first person I want to call when something happens, and vice versa, but I'm lonely at the same time. Honestly, I want to be with him. I'm not even going there right now though because of how complicated the situation is. We're toxic in a relationship because of the stuff going on around us.Is it possible to remain friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. We've both considered counselling, but haven't gone together (we have gone individually). You could be right about both of us being afraid. He says he wants to give me everything, but can't give me what I want. A lot of it has to do with the fact that his divorce hasn't gone through (this is due to custody issues, nothing else) and both of us feel guilty being together because of it. I also think he feels like he doesn't have much to offer me.Sometimes things are great. I love spending time with him - he invited me over on Monday to just hang out, and it was great - but sometimes it just hurts because I want a RELATIONSHIP. I don't want to be someone's special friend and just stay stuck.
A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (24 February 2011):
It's very hard to be "friends" with someone you have strong feelings for. So, for the two of you it's probably all or nothing. Both of you seem to be "afraid" to be together -- that's what's making your relationship "toxic." Is counseling something both of you would entertain? If you each really care for each other, than maybe getting with a counselor who can help the two of you navigate the issues you are dealing with will make a difference. Good luck.
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