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male
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anonymous
writes: Me and my wife are happily married...However, our sex life is pretty much null and void. She was a virgin when we got married almost a year ago and it seems like we only have sex once every week or two. It also seems that it takes more time to try and get her aroused than it does actually making love. When we do make love, it's always on a Sunday night after we are in bed, ready for sleep. There is no oral and there is no different positions...It is the same thing every time and to be honest I am a little numb to the whole thing now. It causes me to act differently towards her and I am constantly thinking about having sex with random females I see.. help!!san diego
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2005): Because she's sexually inexperienced, she's going to go with whatever routine comes along. She may not know how to vary it up or she may not even be thinking about it. We are humans, we all have routines. That is life. But unless you two don't experience variety together, neither of you will enjoy sex because I can tell you right now, she's probably not getting the goods on her end either. You both have to work at it, just like any other element in your relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Well it wont get any better on its own. Have you ever heard of case where it did? Soon you'll be down to once a month or something.
And let me start by saying that candles and soft music arent it. No guy gets a hard on from a candle, and the scent of mango cinnamon will just be masking your problems.
First, *you* need to make a list, or otherwise codify, what you want out of sex- how often, what type, what style. Ask yourself 'why' questions. Why do you like oral? Just because of the wetness, or you like feeling of being serviced. Or maybe her swallowing feels to you like acceptance of you and her validation of how important you are. Do you like sex when you are feeling powerful and your energy is high? If so Sunday night might be a mistake....
Ok, now make a list of what you think your wife likes about sex. What does she like? What is she getting out of it? What wont she do and why? What do you think the real reasons are behind her stated objections? Maybe she is worried about what you would think about her, or what her self image would be. Or maybe there is some traumatic issue in her background that is making her wary and reserved.
Then you have to go find some kind of martial conselor. It sucks, but you will need someone to facilate your conversation and make sure you dont try to duck the issue. Since you have some time to prepare you at least have time to search out someone who's approach you feel comfortable with. You could even interview them to find a good fit before you mention it to your wife. Do you really want a Freudian or feminist in the middle of your marriage? Maybe not, but you can screen out these people.
Ok, meet with the therapist and work through the list you wrote down with your wife. Are your expectations of what she wants accurate or are you suprised? Work through the process and come up with a plan jointly. It is possible that she could be a perfectly good person and just not be that sexual. Is she ok with you going strip clubs or massage parlors if you have a capacity mismatch?
Anyway work through the issues with the goal of identifing what she wants. Which she may not 'know', so you'll have to be patient. And communicate what you want... there is no point in having more crappy sex. And you need to get in sync with your attention levels. Has she been secretly seething about being "ignored" while you thought everything was cool?
And consider this- you did swear your vows "till death do us part". Well if your word means anything its time to sac up. Go to the gym and make sure you are desireable, and at least meet her half way in being the person she'd want to have sex with. If she likes someone with big lats then its going to be a lot of work and pain for you, but it isnt death and thats what you said you were up for when you swore you'd make this girl happy. That probably also means someone who is important to her and treats her as important. And this may also mean taking a hit and doing things that she wants to do.
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A
female
reader, trixy +, writes (14 November 2005):
You are married, so why not talk to her about it! If you dont talk to her about this,how is she surposed to know how you feel.Take her out for a meal and have a heart to heart about it. Maybe she feels the same. GOOD LUCK
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): welcome to married life pal. dont cheat, she dosent deserve that. would you have rather her been the town whore instead of a virgin? you have to teach her what to do. if that fails tell her if you dont get what you want from her, then you will get is somewhere else. butbecareful,m she may use that same line on you later on about something totally diffrent.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (14 November 2005):
you're lucky to get once a week! tell her how you feel. ask her why things have changed. there's no other way you can deal with this than to talk about it openly with her
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