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female
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*uvjns
writes: I've been asking and searching for advice on this one. I hope you can help to some degree. I was married. The marriage lasted 4 years. During the 4 years, my ex-husband cheated with his now current wife. They already had 2 kids before we were married. He had others affairs, as well. The last straw was when he slept with my cousin, the family slut. I was so hurt. I acted out for the first time and cheated with my ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, my little two-day tiff resulted in a baby. After the birth of the baby, we separated and wasted no time divorcing. I immediately moved in with my child's father. Almost two years later, we married. I didn't love him the way I loved my ex. I didn't have the feelings for him that a wife should have for her husband. The few feelings I did have for him were lost because he was abusive physically, verbally, and psychologically. We separated after one year of marriage, due to a massive fight. (We were separated for a year. I went through counseling and throught the help of a local domestic violence shelter, started a new independent life, got a new job, and completed my undergrad studies. Eventually, during the divorce proceedings, he begged to reconcile for the sake of the kids and because he loved me. With marital counseling, I agreed. It was the second worst decision of my life. The next year spent with him was awful. He didn't like my friends, my family, or anythings else I liked. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him. He had to know every where I went. I had to account for every moment I was away from him. He played on my weaknesses (my kids and fear)and never hesitated to make me feel guilty for just existing. Then, one day he went to work. I packed what I could in my car with my kids and left. I've never looked back. I live with my father right now. I am finishing up graduate studies and this is my last semester. I have come to terms that the marriage is over and I know now I can stand up to him in court. Here is what is going on now. My ex found out I was staying at my dad's and he called. We have been in a full fledge love affair ever since. We communicate more now than we ever did in the past and I love him. He says he has always felt the same way about me, but his pride kept him from stopping the divorce. He says he married his kids mother out of concern for the kids. Because of his type of work, he is hardly ever home, so filing for custody was not an option for him. He says he has never loved her and has even told her how he felt about the marriage. Question: We plan to be together. What would be the best way to handle this situation, aside from getting divorced from our current spouses? How do we handle visitations? What kind of contact(phone, personal)should we have with the other person? How can this situation be handled best for all concerned?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Firstly i have to wholeheartedly congratulate you for getting away from your abusive ex-husband: no matter what happens in the future ensure that it stays that way. Because ur ex is physically abusive i believe you should have no contact with him urself. You can either decide to allow him to have visitations with his child if u think he is nonetheless a good father, but if u think he is a danger to ur child in any way u could perhaps have him barred from seeing his child (due to his abusive past this could be possible)otherwise allow him to have supervised visits ONLY. That sorts ut ur second ex, now as for ur first ex- u have to ask urself if u r doing the right thing. Do u remember that going back to ur second ex was a mistake; eventhough it all seemed right at the time. Will it really be any different going back to ur first ex this time? He repeatedly cheated on u. If u know for sure that he has changed and not cheated on his current wife then there may be hope. But if u think he probbably cheated on her too then u know him inside and out: there would be no excuse going back to a man u know in ur heart is unfaithful.
If u do decide to get back together with him then i encourage you to form some type of a relationship with his kids- and i encourage him to keep an active role in their lives as their father. And of course ensure that he bonds with ur own child. If u are willing and determined to make a Happy Family then do everything in ur power to make it happen, and always remember to do right by the children.(if he stays in an unhappy marriage with his wife he will not be benefitting the kids).
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