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*AC67
writes: My girlfriend and I am currently having a "break" to get some space. We have been going out for 3 years and have bought a house and been living together for 2. We broke up last week, very amicably and we talked about things sensibly. She says she still loves me but feels she is not "in love" with me and that the chemistry has gone. One of the issues is that I have moved 400 miles to be with her and have not really got my social life sorted. She feels responsible for me and I think a bit suffocated at the 24-7 relationship we are having. I have gone back "home" and had a good think and talk with friends / family and am really sorted. I realise I have not only been heglecting our relationship but negecting what was a big part of my life. My girlfriend has not really talked to anyone about things. Her mum is moving abroad soon and I think she is feeling this but don't know how to address it. She has also been in an abusive relationship before and I also think this has an impact on her getting close to people. How can I get her to talk about her issues ? I love her and what her back but am not gonna wait forever. Any help is appreciated.
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female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (7 March 2006):
 Heya I've sent you an email but its just taking a while to go through, thought I'd let you know x
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male
reader, PAC67 +, writes (5 March 2006):
PAC67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think your totally right in what your saying, you have to be happy with your own life first and foremost. The problem with me and my girlfriend was that I had given up my life and had given up on it. She wanted to live her own life but felt guilty when she did because of my situation. Hopefuly, now that i am addressing my life, it will make our relationship stronger for it. I still haven't heard from her but I don't expect too for a bit, she needs time and space to deal with the emotion of her mum moving abroad before dealing with how she feels about herself and then us. I have asked Dearcupid for your email as I have written a letter that I will send my girlfriend in a few weeks time. You've been very helpful and would really like your opinion on it. Hope to hear from you soon.
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female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (3 March 2006):
Another thing I've noticed is that it seems the more I persue my own life and get back into my own hobbies the more secure I feel and capable. I love my boyfriend and will give him the world and more, but if he doesn't love me or pull his finger out to make things work with me then he will miss out. Its like I've done my bit and been there for him. I've offered him help as much as I can and now its time to sit back and let him take it or leave it.Of course I will be hurt and possible quite angry if he doesn't take it but it won't destroy my life, because I'm building my own life. And all it will mean is that he doesn't actually love me! Only time will tell.....................
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male
reader, PAC67 +, writes (2 March 2006):
PAC67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSexybum,
What I have come to realise is that you can spend as much time as you want with a partner but if that time isn't quality then you are on rocky ground. You need to have your own lives too!!! Thats what i feel has happened to me. We were together all the time but it wasn't quality. Sometimes you need time to miss them. As I said, hopefully my girlfriend will get to that point and that what we had means enough for her to give it another go. If we get that chance, we will both lead better individual lives (well I will have one again!!) as that is as improtant in a relationship as spending time together. When we are together, we need to make it quality as much as we can. It can't all be great but we need to make the good times more often and get on with enjoying our lives together. It is a balancing act. Keep in touch and hope things work out for you. x
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female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (2 March 2006):
Hey I'm so glad you feel llike that, it just proves it can happen!!
I give all the advice myself and don't take it, but I'm in a similar situation with my own boyfriend. We're on rocky ground, but I've just started pursuing my own interests. Its amazing how many friends I've really got!! It doesn't mean I don't care about my boyfriend its just that I FEEL better when I'm pursuing my own life. I'm a better girlfriend and more attractive therefore we have a better chance!! Keep it going and good luck I sincerely hope you do well xx
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male
reader, PAC67 +, writes (2 March 2006):
PAC67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Sexybum. You have confirmed most of the advice I have already received from friends and family. I can't make her do the thinking, she has to get there herself and I'm sure she will given the time. Just to update the situaion, I seen her briefly on Tue (28th Feb) and we had a brief chat. As expected she was still in the same place, I dont think she has the energy to think about us at the moment. Her mum leaving is the most important thing in her head just now, she did open up a little on that score. I maybe pushed a little to hard and regretted doing so. Hopefully, its not pushed her further away. I had a bad day after she left but did revisit some of our memories that we have kept over our time together. This has given me a new sense of what we had and how much we were in love. I truly believe that we can get it back, once she gets over the emotions of her mum going.In terms of building my life, I am off to a football team on Saturday, this has always been a big part of my life and alot of my socialising back home was through my footbll team mates. I also have a friend coming round on Friday for a chat and a few beers. I am also going to ask one of my neighbours if he fancies a trip to the pub. These are all things I should've done 2 years ago but was in rut. My life is moving on and will be better for this, I just hope that m girlfriend is part of it. I am now at the point where I dont NEED her to come back (thats how I felt just after the split) but I WANT her to come back as we made each other very happy.
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female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (1 March 2006):
This is a very hard question to answer. It seems as if you've tried everything and in a sensible manner at that. I almost think the only thing to do is leave her be for the time being, give her some space, she's obviously been craving it. See how she feels after she's had a bit of time to herself and deal with her emotions / insecurities. I'm afraid you can't deal with them for her. Its something she will have to do herself.
If after she had some time to herself and she still won't talk with you and still says she wants a split then you may have to accept it and move on, however if she starts to open up; no matter how slowly then be patient with her and let her do it at her own pace.
You seem like a sensible enough person so don't disillusion yourself, what I mean is don't let her take you for a ride. You might not want the same things as her, she might not want the same as you, be careful of settling for second best and be prepared to move on in case you have to,
I hope all goes well, you sound like a good man!
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