A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife tends to fly off the handle when we disagree. I need some advice about how to handle this. Thanks in advance.This morning, our daughter was being very whiny. She's 2 1/2. We've been teaching her to use her words and not whine. After a long bout of whiny-ness, we told her, "ok, that's enough whining. Use your words please." She got upset and hugged my wife, who said, "I love you. I love you more when you don't whine, but I love you all the time." This struck me as wildly inappropriate. We are going through some health issues, so I bit my tongue to keep the peace.How do I tell her that I don't want to set conditions on our love for our daughter, without her blowing up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): I get your point. It undermined what you were saying, she should have agreed and said I don't like it when you whine it's not very nice. Not mollycoddled her. But it's hard for mums to enforce rules on their child. Anyway ignore it, just speak to your wife and say that when she is whiny unless for a reason as the other aunt saidd, just ignore her, and stand firm on this and when she has stopped whining then you and your wife can say how much you love her and are proud she stopped whining
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 Wildly inappropriate ? .
If there's something inappropriate is an anxious, insecure parenting style that needs to check every single word, every smallest facial expression to make sure it's pediatric textbook - perfect and politrically correct.
Your wife was simple, direct and sincere and I bet that your child , even if she is only 2 , got perfectly the gist of it : that she is loved regardless, but that's not a free pass to keep misbehaving and being annoying. That her parents love her but this love does not mean she can get away indefinitely with stretching boundaries and bending the rules.
If the rule is " no whining, use your words " it is very apropriate that she is being told and shown that tantrums or hugs and assorted cutesies are not enough to change the rule.
I think that your wife handled it well. And I think that if you had a spouse who scrutinizes every single word you say to your daughter to decide unilaterally if it is " appropriate " , you'd blow up too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2013):
 First of all I have 3 daughters. They ALL went through the "whiny stage", the youngest more then the others.
My approach is to ignore. If you whine, I will not respond. Unless there is a reason. The child is sick, over tired, hot, hungry.
I don't think what your wife said or did is soul crushing. It was telling your child that she loves her, but can do without the whining.
Also she is 2 1/2.. She is ABSOLUTELY normal in being a tad whiny here and there. The trick is to not cater to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): I don't think it's wildly inappropriate. Probably not even mildly inappropriate.
She stated to your daughter that she'll always love her no matter what but it's so much easier to do that when she's nice's nice and not whiney
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 Wildly inappropriate? Buying your 2 year old daughter a chainsaw for her birthday would be wildly inappropriate. Your wife's statement is very small potatoes.
She deftly handled your daughter's attempt to manipulate her. She told her she loved her and was honest about not liking the whining. I really doubt very much that your daughter is going to go through life traumatized and thinking her mother only loves her when she is 'good'.
OP, you've really got to get a grip here. children are far more resilient than you think and they adapt quickly. As you can see for yourself, at the tender age of two, your daughter has already caught on to the idea of buttering someone up to get what she wants and avoid what she what doesn't.
Your daughter knows she is loved.
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