A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, How do I handle it when my boyfriend (of one year) gets mad at me for getting mad at him when HE does something wrong, hurtful, disrespectful. Then after I get mad about it (rightfully so, these are big things) he does something WORSE because I was such a "nag". This, in turn, only makes me feel EVEN WORSE and more upset, hence, nagging MORE. When he's not doing the above he treats me like a queen. Confused,KK Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): How old is your boyfriend? What does he do, that you consider it to be so much worse?
No details?
Then you just want empathy, and everyone to tell you how much of a jerk he is; and how awful it is that he treats you so! I've been around the block. There are two-sides to every story. We only get yours. You want all the ladies to rally at your side; but they'd be doing so with very little information to base their opinions on.
How do "you" respond to conflicts between you? I mean emotionally?
A lot of tears, drama, nagging, screaming, or pouting? You say he does worse?
What does "worse" translate into deeds or behavior?
Does he cheat on you? Stay out all night? Is he stingy with affection? Throw away his money? Does he sleep with his ex?
Drink too much? All of the above? What?
Maybe you tend to dramatize when you're upset. That always makes things seem uneven and off-balanced. He doesn't cry, he gets angry. You expect him to be tougher; and put up with a lot more of your nonsense. After-all, you're just a woman. What could you do to a big strong man?
Lots of things. Little things add-up!
Most couples don't weigh their mistakes on a scale; and figure out who did worse. That's subjective. Although, we will try our damned best to get even!
It pretty much depends on the reaction you get, and who did what to whom?
That's why we have courtrooms and juries. To weight how much damage one person did to another. We tend to always think others do us more harm. We're inherently biased about such things. We often trivialize or play-down what we do to the other guy. In a car accident, it's always the other guy's fault.
When you don't know how to compromise or settle conflict; sometimes couple's counseling helps. You both could find a good book on the subject, practice, and see if it works.
Or, you could dump your boyfriend.
If he's a big stupid, and finds such things are silly; then the problem is INCOMPATIBILITY. You made a bad choice and you'll never learn how to deal with problems; and he will never meet you halfway. So, you should dump him.
If he treated you like a queen, you wouldn't have written a post to an advice site for help. You don't know how to deal with him; because he's a bully. You don't want to give him up, in spite of the fact that he may be an ass-h*le.
I see through you!
Nagging is what people do when they feel insignificant and out-matched. Like a little Chihuahua that barks at big dogs or people, just about everything far larger. The little-guy is begging for respect; and no one pays any attention. If you can't back things up, you go on and on about it; because you feel helpless and nobody is listening. Or, you're always in bitch-mode, and every little thing sets you off. We'll never know his side.
Your boyfriend doesn't like hearing you nag; but he doesn't care about what he does to make you do it. He just wishes you'd shut-up about it. Isn't that really the case?
If you feel out-matched and he does far worse. Why not find someone who respects you and is willing to compromise and work things out? Not just ignore your feelings and pamper you, to shut you up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): If you could give an example of what he does that is hurtful/wrong/disrespectful that you get angry at that would help to clarify things. You need to work out the childish over reaction and display of emotions he goes through when you call him out on whatever he is doing.
Somehow you have to break the cycle of him doing this, you getting angry, him retaliating and you reacting again. Yes you could choose to overlook it and change your reaction and accept it but if it's something major, or even something minor that just isn't acceptable to you then I think action to remedy it is more healthy.
Talking about it all calmly and trying to analyze the situation without anger and criticism and or counseling may help.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 June 2014):
How do you know that the things you're getting mad at him for doing are things that he agrees with? Not everyone has the same idea of what's wrong.
If he's doing something you don't like on a regular basis then you're going to have to get used to it (or leave). At a certain point you ARE nagging even if you think it's justified. You just have to lean to accept who your boyfriend is or you'll always be getting mad at him.
Or, find someone you're more compatible with.
My brother never does the dishes. This has always made him a bad roommate. When he got married it was an endless source of frustration in an otherwise good relationship. After trying everything she could think of to get him to do dishes his wife finally gave up and now they get along great.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (20 June 2014):
Hi KK.It might be a good idea if both of you when CALM would sit down and have a chat about both of your behaviours and come to some adgreement to try and work things out.A little kindness and understanding goes a long way.Best Luck . NORA B.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 What an interesting description of what goes on between the two of you. Your "side" of it is that he treats you like a "Queen".... EXCEPT when he treats you like something that he is trying to dispose of in the commode.
AND, not only that... but you are quick to point out to him the "wrong, hurtful, (and) disrespectful." things that he does....
Sounds like this entire "relationship" really needs to be put in the commode and flushed.
Good luck...
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