A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Back in April I caught my wife texting a friend of hers in ways I did not think were appropriate. They were arranging to meet for dinner and drinks without me knowing, for instance. I sat her down and asked her what the deal was. She told me that he was "acting weird" and that she was trying to understand what his angle is as he is currently engaged to be married and just bought a house together with his fiancee. She wanted me to come meet him at a party he was throwing so that she could advertise more clearly that she is taken. She said she wasn't sure if he was interested in her or not. I told her "Do you really want to find out? Just stay away from him." I received the phone bill today and I see that she has been calling and texting him. Not obscene amounts, but for instance they traded seven texts yesterday and they talked on the phone for 20 minutes two days before that. Does she just not get that I do not like this relationship and want it to end? I didn't tell her that in those terms, but maybe I should have. I feel really betrayed that she continues to stay in close contact with this guy even she admits may have feelings for her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): "...She said that she is afraid I will get the wrong idea about their relationship and might do something stupid like call him and tell him off. .."SO why haven't you?Your wife is playing a very dangerous game, and u are letting her get away with murder!Time to put a stop to the "emotional affair" (at least) before it becomes sexual.I am in my 20th year of marriage: if I am doing what your wife is doing, if I casually told my hb about an "interest", I can just imagine my hbs reaction.Either you like playing the wimp or your hb is so conniving that u cannot make head or tail of this affair.... But your first step should be THAT phone call to this other man.Either be pro active or face the consequences/aftermath of your wifes affair.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): I say this is a sign that the relationship between you and your wife has been having problems. Maybe you don't even know that, which is in and of itself a problem.If a relationship is healthy and good and satisfying, partners feel a sense of loyalty and exclusivity and are not interested in seeing what else is out there as far as the opposite gender (it's not like she made a new female friend, this is a male friend). If the relationship is lacking (as perceived by at least one of the partners) then they are open to seeing what's out there even though they don't want to admit it even to themselves because they know that this is not something to be proud of. So the alternate reasons and excuses to explain this behavior come out.Your reaction is one of typical territoriality. clearly you don't trust your wife (I'm not saying that you necessarily should) or else you would trust her judgment and her loyalty. But you don't. And there's a reason for that, maybe a good one.You should start by talking to your wife about your relationship in general, not so much about this issue in particular.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (28 June 2011):
 This is definitely odd behavior on her part. I don't want to plant any seeds in your mind, because there may be an innocent explanation, but in general when you are married there shouldn't be withheld information like this.
It is absolutely not appropriate for her to be meeting another man alone, which is what she planned to do. Just because they were meeting in public doesn't matter. Her actions cause suspicion and threaten your trust.
Why would she need to take this risk? If there was nothing to hide then she should have let you know every step of the way if she had talked to this guy, and not even made plans without telling you first. This is not a an issue of her having the freedom to be an individual, it is about her being married and having a responsibility to not be involved with other men.
"She told me that he was "acting weird" and that she was trying to understand what his angle is as he is currently engaged to be married and just bought a house together with his fiancee."
This, to me, really raises a red flag. Why is she showing particular concern about another man, and why does she care about his behavior, what his "angle is", or what might be going on in his personal life? What does any of this have to do with her? If she does not have any history with this guy then it is really odd that she is involved. The natural reaction of a woman to a random man who is "acting weird" would be to avoid him. And obviously she knows this guy well enough to notice some change in his behavior.
If she had established her marriage and therefore non-availability, then it would not be necessary for her to have you attend a party to prove such. Again, this is just very bizarre, and indicates something is not right. It should go without saying or "proving" that she is not available. She is MARRIED. There should be absolutely no question about her status.
I think it is reasonable for you to ask to see the texts between the two of them. You are concerned about the nature of their communication, and this is your wife. If she has nothing to hide, then she will let you see the texts. If she has erased the texts then there should be a legitimate reason why.
Have you asked her to be upfront and make you aware of any communication she has with this man? She has continued to communicate with him without your knowledge, right?
There should not be any relationship your wife has with another man that cannot be either completely transparent or cut off. Period. If she even hesitates to cut off communication with this guy then something is amiss. That is just my opinion. What other explanation can there be?
It is very odd that she is in communication with an engaged man who also has feelings for her (this much is obvious). And it is also not a good sign that, after confronting her about things that were going on behind your back, she was not completely honest and forthcoming.
There are reasons why people behave in a deceptive way. You need to know the real history of your wife's relationship with this guy. It is my guess that there is much more to the story. And I am not talking about more that is going on behind your back, but more to the history of their "friendship". This is your wife, and your marriage, and anything that threatens that should be dealt with head on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I totally agree with you, if she goes to meet him , not only is she hurting you but she may be giving him false hope. I would tell her to calm down with the texts and phone calls and ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Your wife is having at least an emotional affair, at least.She knows what his "angle is".She's not being fully honest and open about this."They were arranging to meet for dinner and drinks without me knowing, for instance."That is way out of bounds in most marriages."so that she could advertise more clearly that she is taken"She does that by not doing what she is doing, having you along is just a way to have him gloat about you not knowing what is going on between your wife and he, and he knows that you don't know, and she knows that you don't know."She said she wasn't sure if he was interested in her or not."She knows he is interested, and she's getting a big ego boost about it."I feel really betrayed that she continues to stay in close contact with this guy even she admits may have feelings for her."You are being betrayed. It's not just a feeling. She's not being someone who makes your feelings and the marriage needs a priority. This is a big ego trip for him and her and his fiancee and you are paying a big price for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): OP here:I should have mentioned that I did ask her why she was being secretive. She said that she is afraid I will get the wrong idea about their relationship and might do something stupid like call him and tell him off. I just don't understand the contradiction here. If she admits he might be interested in her, then maybe "the wrong idea" is "the right idea." It seems like she is the one who wants to figure this out for herself. Maybe she gets off on an engaged guy falling for her or something. I'm not really sure what she's trying to accomplish by continuing to interact with him. She says that she may need him as a contact in the future. (They are in the same industry.) Fine, but this seems like more than business associates keeping in touch every few months.Truthfully, my wife is not far off in thinking I might call him and tell him to spend a little more time with his own fiancee.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Tell her to knock this nonsense off and start acting like a married woman. Sheesh. She should know better and should already know this is upsetting to you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 OK I understand that you are worried that this man has feelings for your wife. I don't blame you for this but do you trust your wife? If you do well then let her have this platonic friendship with this guy. But it does sound like she is trying to hide the fact that she is in contact with this man therefore talk to her and ask her why she doesn't tell you that she has been in contact with this man. Ask her to be more open and honest with you and then you will be able to trust her. With her hiding this information from you it does look like she way have something else to hide. Therefore talk to her and tell her how this is making you feel.
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