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*at
writes: HiI have various problems/issues I would like advice on, this may sound petty but this has all caused severe depression and even times when I have comtemplated having a divorce.Basically I got married from a girl in India who I truely love, my wife has been in the UK for just over 2 years now. And throughout this time, everyday she wakes up at around 11am and spends most of the day watching films and tv. I have seriously lost count over the times I have asked her to learn english or other things such as driving. I have bought books and even offered to assist but she is not motivated to learn. What is really annoying is that I have to do everything outside the house, like buying groceries and payong bills as she will not, I also work full time and also have a part time job. What has really depressed me is that my wife is now expecting, even though I should be over the moon I am not, as I know I will be the one who will need to work harder in order to provide for the child. I sometimes wish and hope I was not married, please advise?
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male
reader, Jat +, writes (12 April 2006):
Jat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiTo answer a previous question, I am 29 and my wife is 22.Thanks
A
male
reader, Jat +, writes (12 April 2006):
Jat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi AllThanks for all response, never used a service like this before and am amazed with the helpfullness.With the question about did we plan for the child, strangely the answer is yes and no. A couple of years back we wanted a child at this stage of life, but also we wanted a child after we both had settled down a bit more. I know however we both are delighted and excited.Another side to the problem listed, and one which probably is the fruit of the real issue. We currently are still living with parents, however I am currently looking for our own house but with just myself working it is difficult. This also causes great stress, but without my wife making an effort to learn there are not many job prospects. However now I have stopped looking due to my wife expecting etc.I am hoping when we have our own house things may get better, expecially as one of the writer pointed out. Having asian TV channels does not help, which is what my wife constantly views, but when we have our own house we will not be able to afford such luxuries.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): Hi
Thanks for these messages, first time I have used such a message board and am delighted with the helpful messages.
With the question about "did we plan for the child" - strangely the answer is yes and no. We had thought a couple of years ago that we will try around this period, but also had planned to wait until we both were more "settled". However we are both adults and I am sure will make fantantic parents and I personally inside am extremely happy.
Just to add another angle to this situation, and something which is giving me more grey hairs. We currently are still living with parents, and are looking for our own house. This is proving difficult with just myself working, maybe this is fruit of the problem and is what is stressing me.
With one of the answers talking about having Indian channels, strangely this is spot on as it is only these channels that are always on. However if and when we do get our own house we will not be able to afford these channels.
Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): I believe that your problem is COMMUNICATION!!! If you are unhappy with the situation, I believe you should go to a marriage counselor. Having a baby can change many things in your life, maybe can change her´s in a positive way. ¿How old are you & your wife? Keep in touch to see how things are going. Good Luck!!!
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female
reader, bridget +, writes (12 April 2006):
 Hey there Jat..
I understand that this has been a long term problem and not just happened over night or because your wife has become pregnant..
I wondered though, did you plan to have a child??
Let me know how you are doing and if things are improving..
Good Luck
Jacqueline
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male
reader, Jat +, writes (12 April 2006):
Jat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All
Many thanks for your prompt and in depth reponses.
Just to add to my predicament, this situation has been present since day 1. And as not come about with my wife being pregnant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): All the other Aunts are offering you great advice and I have some another opinion to your problem to add here. There is a general belief that if the people are happy then they will be optimally motivated to work and want to accomplish things in life. Just because she appears lazy tough...that is NO reason to even think of divorce, dear. Firstly, you say you love her and she is pregnant, so don't just give up the relationship because she sleeps in and loves to watch TV. But if her lack of drive was in place before she got pregnant, I am beginning think her 'unambitious behaviour'is a mask for something else, dear.She is new in the country..she's far away from her own family, there is a language barrier and perhaps, no true, meaningful friendship, yet. This is an emotional issue, she could be hiding something and you need to find out what's going on with her. Many people 'appear' lazy are passively dealing with fears, insecurities or frustrations--about their current situation. One can have low self-esteem and a lack of hope as a result. She needs something to give her that. It sense of accomplishment, a sense of self-worth, and self-development. But i am wondering if the language barrier, fear of social/work situation may be causing her to fear life in this new country. She could have a learning problem, that you are not aware of. A slow learner may prefer appearing lazy and inambitious (eg: if I don't do the work at all, no one will criticize my performance.) The key to dealing with laziness is taking action, but that has to come from her. You can only hand her the tools..she has to have the drive. What do we do, though, when a person simply doesn't want to be motivated to do anything? Sit her down, talk to her and find out her deepest concerns. Do it with love, compassion and respect. If that doesn't work, go to a couple counselor with her and figure out what the problem is. But this won't resolve itself overnight..it will take work and understanding. If you know of anyone that can give her a 'part time' job where people speak her language...maybe start there. This may be the launch she needs to get her motivation back. But in a nutshell, you are married to her...and one works with the relationship, not against it. Stop being so frustrated and just get to the nub of this problem. She's missing out on a lot in life, and she doesn't realize just what she's missing, because she's got 'nothing' to draw on in this new country...she's never experienced it. Get her out, socially..Is there possibly another woman who speaks her language that can mentor her and guide her? Just a few things to think about, hun. But don't forget, challenges and bumps in relationship are not accidental. Relationships are our greatest teachers. Give this issue your time and patience.
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female
reader, eï? Sophie eï? +, writes (11 April 2006):
 Hi
I can oviously tell you are deeply in love with your wife and you do an awful lot for her. First of all you need to talk to her maybe you have already tried but keep trying as this will help her to realise that you need her help as their are two of you in this married. Discuss the problems you have and tell her that you need help around the house ect. It is very important to say how you feel about the baby, i understand that you aren't too chuffed about your wife expecting because if she hasn't got a job and she doesnt do anything to help, it is going to be very hard to support your baby in the future. Explain to her that she will have a responsibility on her hands a very big one too, and if she can't do anything apart from sitting around the house watching t.v how is this baby going to be cared for if your busy working all day trying to support him or her. In order to talk to your wife about problems, maybe take her out for dinner, or in a quiet area where she is away from the t.v, and no matter how many times you have to explain to her just keep trying and tell her how you TRUELY feel. Also do things together, have fun and enjoy your marriage together. hope that helps x
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female
reader, bridget +, writes (11 April 2006):
Hey there Jat..
I hope that I can shed some light on your situation..
First of all Id like to congratulate you for actually supporting your wife (2 jobs and all) She doesnt realise how fortunate she is..
I think that you need to speak to your wife and explain to her your feelings and emotions about your marriage, obviously if she is expecting then you cant ask her to do so much but that doesnt mean that she is unable to do anything..
If you speak to her and say that your a team and say things like "I will get the washing if you do the dusting, then we will go grocery shopping together" It shows that you are contemplating team work and she might be percieved to help.. Try this and find out what she does, if she succeeds then treat her..
You could maybe talk to her, maybe she is depressed aswell, when I sit allday (on my day off) and watch TV its usually because Im down, you should really communicate more with her aswell..
As for your depression this will clear and you will see light when your wife decides to open up and do something that she would like as a profession...
Explain to your wife that you are only human and that when this baby comes your not going to be the only one to look after it.. A Mother has to bond with her baby otherwise she will have alot of natal depression, (Post Natal Depression) and this will not be good for her, you or the child..
You need (really need) to try this method i explained of the housework.. If It doesnt work then Id suggest that you talk to her about how you are feeling, (the depression aswell) your feelings are all only going to get worse if you dont talk to her..
Good Luck
Jacqueline
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): Sir-
Maybe this could be because your wife is expecting a child!
Women tend to become "lazy" while having a baby, remember is 09 months! The best advice is you to sit down with her and ask her if she is sad because she is not in her home country? Second, motivate her to attend a english institute to learn a second language. Third, find out if the city that you live there is a Comunity from India, there she can get in contact with people with her own experience at a new country, friends that can help her start working or/and open a business, etc...The most important thing is to you to try to make her understand that you are as well her friend and to express herself what she feels. Good Luck!
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