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male
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anonymous
writes: Mr. nice guy or let her learn from her decisions!!!For the past 3 and 1/2 years I have been with my girlfriend. We have been happy, and we have had our problems. In the past 6 months or so she has been getting irritated in the fact that we both still live at home with my mum. They clash a little and she finds herself saying yes all the time just to be nice even though she does not agree with what my mum says. The plan was to move out in the next couple of months with a friend of mine so we could buy a house. One day she just was fed up with the house and the tension and my flaws, and left to move in with one of her female work friends. She has her flaws but I overlook them, as I love her. I think the negativity in the house has taken its toll on her patience. Over the past 6 months, I have been starting my own business and working shift work at nights as well, whilst she works during the day. Therefore, this has ultimately taken its toll on our time out, not allowing me to give her the time she deserved. My reasoning for doing this is that I had to make sacrifices to be able to set us up for the future. Our wait was almost over. We were going to stick it out then we have our own space for privacy and we could talk and do what couple should do, like baths with candles and nice relaxing music. Things you cant do when your mum lives with you. She left 6 weeks ago now. Since then we have been out for dinner a few times and she stayed with me for my birthday. However, she is very hot and cold with what she wants. One minute I was saying, "Will I find someone out there who loves me as much as you"? Her response was "NO, you will never find someone out there who loves you as much as me"! Then she says we can move out in a couple of weeks to our own place. The next thing I know she is saying she does not think anything will change as people cannot change and that she cannot really see us together at the moment, and she has feelings for me but she does not know if she loves me. Alternatively, she might say well your being nice now but it is all too late. Why is it too late? I cannot change until I know what she really feels. She never gave me the opportunity to let me know how she really felt. People in marriages do not just turn their backs when you come up against small challenges. She said to me that the one thing she has learnt from our breakup is that she will not be walked over again. Yet, in the same breath when I asked her if there was, anything left to say incase something happened to either of us she said she had always said what she had felt, at the time. How can this be if she let her feelings and resentment escalate to the point of moving out without telling me what the problem was. Next, we went out for lunch and we talked about our problems. She said she was happy where she was and that she didn't know what she wanted. But she said she loves me and she wont rule us out. We then parted with a kiss, which was initiated by her. I think she is scared, as she does not know if she can see things changing, i.e. us really moving out. I feel people can change if they want to. I now know what the problems were, and I am willing to change those things. They are small sacrifices to be with the women of my dreams. One of the problems is she does not really have that many people to turn to over here. Therefore, she has turned to her “work friends”, who do not know me very well at all. Well in the 3 and 1/2 years I have been with her, I have met these people twice at work functions. I feel they are getting in her head, as they do not know about my positives. Now she is probably resentful I could not read the signs earlier to move out and is focusing on the bads.Her boss has even gone to the extremes of telling her he will do anything he can to help her stay in the country and sponsor her for another visa, as she is currently in a de-facto visa with me. I think he must have other motives as this means he will probably have to produce fraudulent paperwork and give her a raise of $10,000 a year to keep her here. Currently I am sacrificing a lot financially because of this situation and I cannot afford to keep going down the path I am. However if I change my status and change her visa she will more than likely have to go back to her country or come back to me and stay on the same visa which will breed anger and hatred towards me for pressuring her. This places me in a lose, lose situation of trying to get her back. I do not want to have any regrets, but if we do not try to move out together then we will not be able to see what it would be like by ourselves. I do not want to throw away all that time with her if the problems can be fixed. Which they can be. I think we should be able to grow together. Her leaving made me come to the realization that I do want to be with her. I did learn this the hard way. How do I go about making the wrongs right? How do I let her know I am willing to do anything for her, and let her see that it is never too late to fix things? Do I just give her space and keep being her friend and suffer financially whilst I hope she will realize what she has lost, or do I look after my best interest financially and tell her that I have to change my status and leave her visa up to her? It was her decision to move out without thinking about any of these issues and talking them over with me. Although the last thing I want to do is push her away. How do I find out if she is just using my feelings for me to buy time so she can source other visa options with her boss and co. I just hope she is not stringing me on intentionally with any thought of there ever being an us again, but keeping me in the picture to ensure her permanent residency.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): It sounds like she is done with you dear and I am sorry to say this. Time for you to gain some acceptance and proceed ahead with your own future. You are in large part NOT responsible for her 'permanent residency' predicament..did she not think of that before she left you? Remember, she 'chose' to walk away. It's time to cut the ties. You can't make all the wrongs right...she's a free thinking woman and it sounds like she's formed her own opinion and paved her own path. Remember, all relationships have huge challenges and if she was willing to work it out, she'd be there, by your side. If you two are done/over/finished, then you are only obligated to respect and treat her nicely, at best. You both are no longer a committed couple and you don't owe each other...nothing. You are no longer obligated to make all your financial/personal sacrifices, so she can keep her permanent residency. I would tell her politely, you are making the changes so you can get on with your life and work on an agreement with her, to allot her a 'time frame' to get her 'visa' issues worked out and stick to the life map you've set out for yourself. Plain and simple. She's on her own now, dear. It's just common sense. A polite "Gee, I’m sorry, I no longer can help you," is appropriate. No discussion, case closed. She could go away mad at you. Are you prepared for that? Lots of people gets pissed when the 'cash' cow runs dry(or in this case the 'visa' assistance) Do not use this as a crux to get her back. It won't work! Just make up your mind to move forward, cut all ties and get on with your life, hun. If she's forced back to her own country, so be it. It's out of your hands. Tell her good luck and then walk away.
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reader, kt  +, writes (11 April 2006):
 wow thats a big question!
well i think that the problem here is - lack of comunication, big time! your relationship cant work ifshe doesn't know what you are going though and you dont know what she is going though. tell her that you are going though big problems over this and it is a lose lose situation. tell her, and ask her what she would rather do, dont suffer in silence! you are in a relationship you should be helping each other though this.
untill you can move out keep the spark in the relation. make ever day like when you two were first in love. if you cant do it in the house go to a hotel or something and take a bath together there. i understand that you cant spend alot of time together but when you are together make it be romantic so that she wont be able to stop thinking about you until your next time together
this must be a hard time for you and i cant imagin what you are going though but if its ment to be things will turn out ok.
good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, stress_head +, writes (11 April 2006):
ok as a female let me tell you something, she still loves you! its classic female behaviour, shes creating distance bewteen the two of you so you panic, relaise how much she means to you and have you chase after her. so do just that, shes not letting go of you ie. the kiss, comments etc, just keep at it, are you willing to give her up? if not then just constantly let her know youre there. hope this helps x
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