A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Needing help with my boyfriend and i.We have been together 9 months and in my heart i believe i love him. We have known each other since last summer and really hit it off, he was so sweet and kind and we never fought.We finaly got together in the begining of january and we got on great and cared so much for each other. But in the last few months we have argued more often, walking away from each other but never leaving, and come back together hugging and saying sorry for being so silly about 20 minutes later.We have agreed that we are not as we once were, that is expected but i would like to know how to solve this phase of arguements, i think its making each other wary of one another, like not knowing wether to say something in fear they may get upset or annoyed.Then this causes upset cause we like being close and do tell each other everything.Please help :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): I've recently gone through this myself, so I totally understand! Arguing is part of every relationship, but sometimes it does get a bit too much. My advice to you, is to just not let the arguing get to you, as once you do this, it's easier and the arguing becomes less frequent.
I would also suggest taking everything (that your boyfriend might say that upsets you) with a pinch of salt. Or maybe just joke about it, turn the situation from an angry one, into a funny one. You just have to realise that this is just a phase, and the arguing won't last forever :)
Good luck, hope I helped.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 When you were at the beginning, you were naturally in tune with each other. When you were upset he would understand and try to make it better. Now it feels effort to do the same things. You were at a stage where you decide whether you could live with each other's differences. Unless problems are like cheating, substance abuse, physical or emotional abuse, there are very few lifestyle differences which are so clashing that you can't handle. Less severe problems could be not spending enough time together, one of you flirting with colleagues. Or it could be you having a bad day and he doesn't know how to make you feel better. As people get mature they would allow the other person to feel and not try to get reactive.
I don't think this is a phase to be resolved, it's only as problematic as you believe it to be. Don't expect things to be as rosy as the beginning. Rather try to understand the difference between how men and women communicate. What triggers the fear of failure in men, and he has to understand what triggers the fear of abandonment in women. In general, men fear not being good enough to provide and protect, not being appreciated, while women fear not being understood, not being attended to. When you master the art of connecting with the opposite sex your bond would be indestructible. Later you would learn to laugh about your problems rather than getting upset. You would gently tease him for seeing things differently than you do.
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