A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ive been living with my boyfriend for 8yrs.As any normal couple does we fight over everyday things. the only problem is lately when we fight it turns into nasty name calling and somtimes it turns physical on both sides. Weve been calling names so often that were accustom to it now and dont realize ew do it.. then we ignore it until one of us gets so mad then the arguing starts and somtimes escalates and its just a big cycle. Were both at fault and neither one of us wants to break up because believe it or not we have so much love for each other on a normal day. What can I do?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): First off I am not a big advocate of living together arrangements as for one it is a temporary living arrangement and both of you have nagging doubts about each other and the relationship or in 9 years you would have taken the plunge to marriage.
Marriage is hard enough without two people who have not learned how to fight fairly and are addicted to the drama in order to keep an otherwise stale relationship passionate....this is not a healthy situation for either of you and you might want to think about walking away as it does not seem that the two of you are compatible at all.
If you think the two of you have a relationship that is goal oriented, you share common values and not just common space and truly love and RESPECT on another then get yourselves some anger management counseling quick.
If I were in your shoes if fights are escalating to physical violence or verbal abuse, I would have been long gone and for good, love is not supposed to feel this way, and in fact it is not love but a painful addiction to a dysfunctional relationship, sorry but that is the way I see it, and I have seen this before in couples who had no business being together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): k..im the person who posted this question and maybe i could get beter advice if i was more honest.. this hasnt started latley its been going on for years!! We ALWAYS work it out but like i said its a cycle..but since this has been going on for 8yrs maybe it wont change?? Thats a long time to live like this. We stay together because we always resolve our fights in the end but it keeps happening!! how can i resolve this FOR GOOD? seems hopless..i mean come on we havnt changed in almost 9 years!!
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A
female
reader, JJanswers +, writes (23 January 2007):
 I think you are very stressed right now. understandably. Have you tried teling all this to him? Say ok, we have had fights we hav had arguments and we have said things out of anger. That is what we have done and this is what it feels like to me as im sure it is for you.We are both in the wrong so lets call it a truse and start over because if you love him..i mean really really love him as much as you say you do then i know that you can do that at least for the sake of your relationship. If things start up again then just take a eep breathe, take yourself out of the situation and calm down then make it known that you both are sronger than any argument. After 8 years you can obviously get through anything. =) good luck xx JJ xx
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 You can both try to sit down on one of those good days with a lot of love and discuss this and agree on a set of rules for arguing, like:
1. Stick to the point your arguing about, don't start arguing about things that happened a month ago
2. Don't call each other names.
3. Keep your tone level.
and so on... but it will hardly work if you're both so used to calling each other names that you hardly notice it anymore.
I think you would benefit from going to a couple's counselor because he/she has probably seen this type of problem before and can help you by giving you better methods to work it out and make it stop.
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