A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,I'm 19 and I've been in my current relationship now for 23 months. We're living together (renting an apartment) while attending college. I feel so lackluster lately. I'm never happy with my boyfriend and we get into fights constantly about nothing.Just as a quick 'for instance', last night my boyfriend came home from work, and gave me a present for "us". He bought three movies for us being together for 23 months. I said thank you but when he asked me what I thought about them I answered truthfully: We didn't need them and I didn't like any of the movies that he bought (Ironman and Batman...wow...) really. Also we already had the movies downloaded and because we're in so much debt from college, it was really more of a burden than a gift. I didn't say all of that, but it's all I've been thinking about. Grrr! In reality I just said "I'm not particularly excited about them" when he asked me what I thought...Well this caused a huge fight that lasted for over an hour. In the end I had to beg him to forgive me, with him saying things like "I bet most boyfriends don't have to put up with things like this." He says that to me a lot lately...I'd say once either biweekly or every week...Anyways, these kinds of fights happen at least once daily. Likely two or three of them a day, but usually they only last for 15 minutes to half an hour.Sometimes we have blow out fights. I usually feel suicidal in the midst of them. He says I just say it because I'm trying to guilt him. That I'm being emo. I'm not lying when I say it, and I only tell him to warn him...maybe I should just keep my mouth shut about it...After these huge fights I used to bounce right back when we first moved in together (6 or 7 months ago) but now it takes me at least a week to get over them. It's been getting progressively worse with each fight.I sometimes consider breaking up with him but I put so much effort into the relationship, and so much money and love and time....So instead I tried to completely change myself. For the past 4 or 5 months I've been trying to be a slave to him, as in a M/s (Master/slave) relationship. I thought that if I could just not be selfish like he tells me I am, then I could be happy and we wouldn't fight.I'm not naturally submissive, and my boyfriend doesn't like to discipline me when I do something he dislikes. In the end he just ends up saying something like "You're not a very good slave" and leaves it at that. I tell him that if he wants me to be a slave he has to help me...discipline me, punish me, anything...but he won't.I don't know why I suddenly decided to post this, but thank you all who advise me,Tearfully Sad
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I cannot say, from what you have written, that I agree your boyfriend is simply abusive. (You both sound immature and unwise about loving someone). I do agree, however, that your relationship is unhealthy(!). Because you two cannot communicate, you have taken on all of the blame on yourself and are trying to change yourself. That is not going to work. If you are allowing this relationship to define you, he will always have too much power over whether are not you feel good about yourself --and with your suicidal thoughts that is downright dangerous. Plus, realistically, you are not going to be able to become a perfect person for him; you cannot read his mind and you will do things that he will not like --so in your mind, you are his "slave", while in his, you are the same ol' girlfriend that upsets him sometimes.(Not that isn't okay, it's life).The real point is: you need to leave the relationship and work on building up your own SELF-ESTEEM so that you are not so easily compromised and shaken when another flawed human being has a problem with you, whether that person is a boyfriend, a friend or a family member. In your next relationship, as a practical matter: (1) do not let a man talk to you rudely or coldly, e.g., "I put up with you" and (2) for your part, if a man tries to do something sweet for you,e.g., bringing home movies, act grateful and gracious even if you are not. (Just like you want him to behave if you made a surprise dinner he thought was crap). Take care of you! Only you can like no one else will! Forgive yourself for what you have done that wasn't constructive, but also, recognize that he hasn't been perfect either. And please, please, take a break (I hope a breakup) from this relationship!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This relationship really sounded normal at the beginning of your post because all couples argue at times, but it gets progressively bizarre at the end with the Master Slave submissive role that you are playing at and trying to change yourself to keep this guy.
It's sick. If a relationship requires you to change who you are, then the cost is too high, it isn't working, it isn't worth it.
Bullocks on the amount of time and effort you have put in to this thing....what would be worse is if you spent 23 months and one more day doing the same old stuff. Like the old saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.
You are losing your identity in this relationship and your boyfriend is beating you down emotionally....this is very bad, you could end up in a deep depression that you may not be able to will yourself out of....especially concerning is the depth of your pain during arguments, you feel suicidal.....you are depressed, perhaps clinically or seriously and need medication to control it....Please make an appointment with your doctor right away and ask for some referrals to a good psychiatrist or psychologist and get some therapy.....this is important as you have lost yourself and you need help finding your way back.
Your boyfriend may have some wonderful qualities, but he is being psychologically abusive toward you, or you are asking him to abuse you for some reason.....this is so NOT HEALTHY.....and it isn't going to get any better going down this road....so I think you have stayed way too long and you won't be able to find a healthy relationship for you until you can get help, heal your heart and become a strong independent young woman, then you will find someone worthy of you and all the love you have to give.....because this relationship is hurting you and it is very sick and you need to get out of it in my opinion.
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