A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my fiance for two years and we have been living together for the past year and a half. We have been engaged since May. Both of us have been married before. I have been divorced for 5 years and he has been divorced for 10 years.There are times when he acts like he has to "save" me and I can't live without him. Once we get married he wants to take control of the budget, bill paying, etc...Also, I was getting ready to do my taxes and he told me not to do them without him sitting with me because I need his help to make sure I don't miss any deductions....of course, he is completely capable of handling his taxes without me but I can't handle mine without him because I might miss something. I'm getting tired of him acting like I can't do anything without his "help". I know this sounds stupid but I also, I am into cooking and I made soup that everyone raves about...then I come home and tell him and he will say something like "that's because I had to doctor it up when you weren't looking". I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive but I'm not liking this.
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (29 January 2009):
A couple of comments about "well I am just a girl and really can't do anything as complicated as this, perhaps I'll go back to my embroidery!!!" may make him realise he's being a dick. Or it will at least bring up the topic.
He probably doesn't even notice he's doing it comes across as so patronising you want to stab him.
Let him know you don't appreciate being spoken down to all the time and point out that you managed to SURVIVE this long without him. Remind him you can survive perfectly well without him again as well.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): I don't think you are being overly sensitive, but I think you are not surrendering to your relationship. By that I mean that every partner has something to offer the other and you need to work as a team, not against each other...if he sees himself as the more responsible financial planner, then gladly let him take over, but insist that you have access to every detail and account so as not to pull one over on you so to speak.
If he teases you about your soup, stand up for yourself and put him down in a joking way....this kind of banter is humor and I love couples who can jockey with each other in this manner, it shows a lot of spirit...I think maybe you are just taking it the wrong way maybe because he doesn't always verbalize his appreciation for the things that you do well.
Maybe try talking to him about it like this, I know you mean well and you didn't mean it as an insult when you told so and so that you had to doctor up my soup, but it hurt my feelings and made me feel like you were not proud of the fact that I am an excellent cook.
And see what he says, and then repeat back to him what he said, try to get his reason for doing this and he will figure out the message that you are giving him....his behavior is hurting you and he needs to stop it.
Give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying to protect you and help you, men especially want to feel that they are needed by their wives.....I think you can use this to create some closeness by thanking him for the little things he does for you, and then maybe he will relax more in trying to show off by acting a bit controlling. You probably have different personalities and communication styles.....the positive qualities that you saw in him and made you fall in love, have a flip side to them that you won't like....so the trick is in deciding if the group of faults he has fit with the group of faults you have and can you accept this part of him as well.
You probably like the fact that he is a take charge guy out in the world, but it is a little off putting at home....just manage that like you would a boss or something and see if that doesn't change his attitude and desire to be in charge over you.
Hope this helped.
...............................
A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (28 January 2009):
 AWE GHEEZ,,, this sounds like my parents!
I have no solid advice for you as to how to correct it, but I can only say, that it just gets worse!
Your cooking story brought me a smile. My mother, 100% Italian,from Italy, a fantastic cook!
My father who has no clue how long it take to cook a 3 MINUTE EGG,,, Decides to give my mom a sermon on how to properly make "REAL ITALIAN" spaghetti sauce.....
I'd say your ol'man is one of those who has to "one up" people, and you my dear, drew the lucky straw.
That would drive me out of my mind! NO, you aren't being overly sensitive.
I'd think this marriage thing through!!!!
Joe~
...............................
|
